Hi, first post after the hello one. I seem to be going through a second trip into the closet. When I was in my teens (13-17) I was confused about my sexuality and came to the conclusion that I was gay. Came out gradually when I was 17-18 and since then, most people have known me as gay. Then about 18 months ago I had a crush on a woman, and at that point I wrote it off as a one off, but then gradually I got more attractions to more and more women both mentally and physically. My attractions to men are still more frequent and more intense than they are to women, but I'd be lying to myself if I said that I'm not attracted to some women in a mental or physical way. I have been on a few dates with men and one woman in this whole 18 month period of time and none have worked out. Only a few of my friends know of these feelings, mostly people who I knew to be bi already and a couple friends who asked about a date "What is his name?" when it was the woman and I came clean then. I have also met new people over the last couple of years and some don't even know I like men as it has never come up in a conversation. I haven't done anything sexual with a woman yet but like when I thought I was gay, I hadn't done anything with guys up to that point either. Should it matter? Has anyone else had the questioning from being gay to being bisexual? I don't feel the need to tell people, but should I? I do feel like I'm back in the closet all over again. I have recently turned 27. So I had a good 8 years as identifying as gay with no attractions to women, until the questions began again.
I don't think it should matter at all. Sexuality is very fluid. You should not feel you are retreating back into the closet. You have attracted to who you are attracted to. In my opinion, gender is secondary. If you like women go for it and explore you feelings, just as you did years ago with men. There is no wrong answer to this. It is all about what makes you happy. Being bi myself, I feel we get the best of both worlds! You have I kind of have the opposite issue. I have been married for 23 years to a woman and have never slept with a man, but I feel I am really bi. My wife knows and have asked me how I can be so sure if I have never slept with a man. I just know what I feel when I see men and I almost exclusively look at gay porn, but will throw in bi porn from time to time. I know some people say porn can confuse you, but I know what I like. It also seems that you primarily like men, but there is nothing wrong with being attracted to women as well. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Just explore you feelings and attractions. As long as you are honest, who are you hurting?
When I first realized I liked guys, I actually felt completely gay. Like my sexuality was a spring that I had been holding back for so long and once I let it go, it sprang all the way to gay before settling back down. For a couple days, I honestly wasn't even sure I like girls anymore. So I don't think you 'being gay' first before 'being bi' is all that odd, even if it lasted a lot longer than with me.
After some meaningless experimentation with straight sex, I was fairly sure I was a lesbian for several years. For practical reasons, I eventually ended up with some men and had to admit I was bi, something that was very difficult for me. I sometimes think I didn't make enough of an effort to find a girlfriend at that decision point. In my case, it wasn't that I started getting interested in men. I was interested in BDSM and there weren't many lesbians, so I played with men, partly on the suggestion of my bi girlfriend who lived 5 hours away. I eventually started dating them and decided it didn't matter that they weren't women.
The order of things was similar for me, only add about 30 years. I originally thought I was gay and it was a relief as it explained my attraction to men. That thinking continued for several years until it occurred to me that my attractions for women didn't really go away or decrease. At that point, it came to me that bisexual was a much more appropriate definition for me and I still feel that way 12 years later.
