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Old 22nd Dec 2014, 03:35 AM   #1
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Male sexuality - Confusion / Denial / Fear

Dear All,

I am Vicky(alias) - 24 - Male - India.

This is going to be the longest and purest content I have ever written about my sexuality. I apologize if you find the structure as poor - I would try to improvise !!

I am in deep confusion about myself. I know I should take time. I should relax, I should allow time to get things cleared but it is taking over my personal life - I have experienced depression, lack of interest in activities, occasional suicidal thoughts, anxiety, irregular food/sleep from time to time. However I am not always in down state, its mix of ups and downs.

I feel I am failure who is not able to handle my life, mind, and heart at one of the most important point of life.

I always had doubts about myself being different.

As I remember look back, I can put my sexual development as below-

Age 10-11 - I remember I enjoyed playing with a guy doctor doctor - making him full naked - me being doctor in full clothes. Once caught by my grand father half naked - I did not think anything serious I guess.

Age 12-14 - I remember I used to like sliding my hands under T-shirts of young boys. Touching their backs, sometime stomach. Occasionally 2-3 times, I did try to slide it under their shorts to touch penis (tiny!!). Nothing about anyone touching me.

I did something similar with a small girl - first ever act with a female - her mother saw - scolded me - I was terrified - said sorry. Felt matter is over - but then I still consider whether it has any impact on my development?

Meanwhile - exploration with boys continued just under T shirts. Caught my elder brother once - nothing serious.

Age 15 -

Servant used to bath (in shorts) in open daily - used to watch it!

Used to notice how everyone is growing facial hairs!

Enjoyed mutual masturbation once with a guy (two years younger). Liked it.
Masturbation Fantasy - Mostly while I watch porn, I would masturbate. I could not imagine me doing any act with anyone. I used to imagine about some couple doing sex. Mostly in fantasies, guy whom I liked is engaged in sex with some random girl whom I hardly care.


Started talking with neighbor girl(N) in sign languages - it was fun. No attraction.

Age 17-18 - Mutual masturbation with a guy couple of times.

Masturbation Fantasy - similar as above. Good guy making out with some girl.

As I look back, I had 1-2 guys crush in school and some other guys whom I liked more / less. Started feeling different. Avoiding to do anything noticeable.

People teased me lightly with some girl(R) whom I used deny.

That girl(N) started making signs of LOVE with hands - I was terrified - angry over her - said firm NO - nothing that sort is ever possible. She was dark color. I thought I should marry beautiful girl! (I am fair) Hardly I considered that I was not attracted.

Age 19-20 - No acts with boys.

Discovered topic of sex with friends in sex. Started noticing how people talking about girl crushes. Started feeling more different. Started doubting myself more that I like guys.

Fantasy - similar to above. Guy making out with girl.

Developed some secret crush for guys in class. Had strong secret crush on a close friend(P). Later found he has a girl friend (felt sad in heart)!! My sexual feelings for him stopped somehow - still close friends. We spent a lot of time together. I was and still am very much emotionally attached with this friend. Every time we departed for long time - I felt sad.

There was girl (K) in my class who used to be very attached with me. I did not bother much. She would be very caring and emotional with me. I did not like that much. I felt I am hurting her since I was not so caring and lovely to her. She is beautiful. People would tease us as couple very strongly. I would always deny. Her nature was bit of tough to handle and we are from separate caste (India!!) so I thought better stay away. Although more importantly I did not consider that I was not attracted.

Age 21 -

Some guys crush. More self doubts. More worries on sexual orientation.

After a lot of courage told my close friend (P) that I doubt about being gay. He took it as its all in mind. Mind can be changed. And I believed !! I had deep trust on him. and somehow I felt Its wrong to be with guy. I have future with girl kids family etc. Guy is just mind problem. I should try to imagine about girls it will be alright.

Age 22 -

Hooks and crooks to like girls. But as I look back - NO it did not work. somehow on internet I would go to watch guys cam. I would search gay sex stories. etc etc. Somehow it was not possible. I developed likings for some guys. BUT I considered that future is with girl - so no strong crush again. Somehow brain avoided it to grow.

More attachment by (K). More rejection by me to her. She never confessed her love but I knew she had feelings so I gave indication that she should not think it as couple perspective. And she also said she is just close attached friend. Different caste - so she cant think more !!

Age 23 -

Lol year !

I was still worried about orientation n all. Talked with one more close friend (B) - did not express myself fully. He also convinced that you are just bi-curious and its okay. You can limit your curiosity now or later. Watching gay porn is not bad etc etc. More confirmation that I am not fully gay.

I thought about marriage as serious. I thought I and K are together since 6 years. We have similar family values - different caste. Our friends liked us as couple. Astrology (as I believed) - was good for us. She was good looking. We together also looked good. I told my parents(before telling her) - they said they don't have any problem. Then after getting approval - I told her I like her and can we think of more steps. She was shy. She knew she liked me. But family problems. Eventually she agreed. She was now having strong feelings towards meeting me n all - somehow I did not feel so. I thought just I proposed all my future set. Stupid me !!!

It lasted for 6 months - and eventually we are back to just friends.

Somehow in this phase - I liked my classmate (A) - i used to like seeing him by peeping in his windows, etc. Did not consider more to it.

Age 24 -

Somehow I wanted to prove as I can be good with girl - tried to engage with friend (N) in sexual experience. She was dark but good figure as my friends talk about her. First ever in life. I was naked with someone. I was aroused. I saw someone naked in real. Something it did felt mechanical but somewhat I liked it at that time. But I am not sure I want to do it again or not.

In a month - I was on PlanetRomeo - I felt overwhelmed. I met some guys just for talk. Did sexual experiences with 3 guys - it felt nice - not that I climax on all occasions but I enjoyed it.
Felt good that there are so many people out there. People with good nature. People not just looking it as sex. People having feelings for guys. I felt it something of my own. Spent too much time on PR. Wasted to be honest. Deleted App because it was distracting me - I was not able to focus on my studies.

I did more research about this - more than ever in life - spent too much time.

I allowed my fantasies to develop more. I develop stronger crushes for guys. Nothing for girls. Became close friend with some people of PR. Accepted that Yes I like guys. Girls not sure. Bi/Gay. NOT straight for sure.

Again discussed with old friend (B) - expressing myself more. He was somehow more convinced. He did not have much idea abt this. We talked more openly abt likes etc. But somehow I was not sure I am bisexual or gay. So we discussed like that only. We discussed what are the options (1) Sacrifice myself for the sack of society - marry girl - but I have strong fear that this can ruin life of mine and girl and associated people (2) Sacrifice society for myself - find & marry guy myself - strong fear that will I be able to sustain on this path - will I be bold enough. Will I be able to accept all discrimination, hatred. Its difficult in India - where it is illegal to be engaged in any non-penile-vaginal act.

Right now -

I am not straight for sure.

I like guys. Not all but some. I have some crush. In guys I like their voice, smile, facial curves, facial hair, chest shapes, back, neck, shoulder, stomach, penis. I cannot think about all these with girls. May be I like girl getting naked, her back, some sorts of breasts etc.

I don't know if I am in denial of being gay or I am bisexual who has not appreciated his feelings for girls. May be somehow I want to try again with a girl to check it - ridiculous may be. I don't know why this is taking too much time of my personal life. Why can't I just get over it - whatever I am.

I don't know from where I have come, where I am and where I am headed and may be that's why I am here. Please advice. Thanks !


-Vicky
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Old 22nd Dec 2014, 04:58 AM   #2
Breaking stereotypes...
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Re: Male sexuality - Confusion / Denial / Fear

Since, I was waiting for some reply, I moved to read some posts ..

Somehow, reading other stories and writing my thoughts above (in probably poor structure & grammar) - has made me realized that yes I am most likely a gay.

Naked guy with a naked girl - out of desperation - for the first time ever in life - can cause arousal and I should not consider it as a test of sexuality.

Right parameters should be the evidences of my physical & emotional - attractions & desires - which point to Male - body, mind & heart.

Just last few steps away probably!

Waiting for someone to read the first post and share his / her / their opinion !
Thanks!
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Old 22nd Dec 2014, 05:10 AM   #3
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Re: Male sexuality - Confusion / Denial / Fear

Bisexual may not mean that you love men and women equally- take a look at this!

https://schnippits.wordpress.com/tag/kinsey-scale/
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Old 22nd Dec 2014, 05:29 AM   #4
Breaking stereotypes...
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Re: Male sexuality - Confusion / Denial / Fear

Yeah I do understand.! Bisexuality - any combination of physical & emotional attractions towards males/females - without being exclusive for one gender.

Although I may not have understood fully, I have come across terms like homoromantic, heteromantic, etc etc.

Looking at Kinsley scale, fluidity of sexuality and different combinations attractions, I was just looking for some evidence for being in number 3 or 4 at some point of time BUT I believe I have always been at mostly point 5 or 6 in this scale - mostly gay.
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Old 22nd Dec 2014, 05:42 AM   #5
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Re: Male sexuality - Confusion / Denial / Fear

It seems like you're beginning to figure it out on your own, which is great! only you can truely know yourself.
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Old 22nd Dec 2014, 06:11 AM   #6
Breaking stereotypes...
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Re: Male sexuality - Confusion / Denial / Fear

Yeh, indeed. Ultimately it boils down to me.. But the confusions was painful which led me to internet to come across many many variety of things and a hell lot of introspection..

I am probably not in the beginning, may be somewhere in between or towards final stage..

May be I should do more research abt it with open mind - or - rather just get out of the trap of denial/fear and live as mostly gay..

I surely do not have any OCD for sure !
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Old 22nd Dec 2014, 06:38 AM   #7
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Re: Male sexuality - Confusion / Denial / Fear

After reading your story, I have to say that your realization of being gay, occurred a little bit later in life, compared to an average person.

One thing to consider, is whether you want to continue to live in India or if you have any opportunities to move to a more accepting country (e.g: USA, etc...).
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Old 22nd Dec 2014, 07:35 AM   #8
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Re: Male sexuality - Confusion / Denial / Fear

Yea, I did feel sometimes that I should have dealt with this earlier. It was always at the back of mind. Why did I take so long.? And even now why was it still difficult to accept positively.? I recently started visiting college counselor - who is helping me on different aspects but I doubt they are not very expert at this subject.
Somehow may be it was difficult considering upbringing, environment and future vision of my life. Although, I come from fairly liberal family with good educated background, since I cannot marry a girl - it is a very earth shattering to be as a gay.
- Do you consider me being late as something significant.? Anything to be considered.?

Opportunities abroad - Yes there should be something for somewhat intelligent person like me. But at this juncture in life, I just don't know why/when/where to find them to find them. I have done Computer Science, worked in IT MNC for two years and currently pursuing MBA from reputed university. I actually would had got many opportunities like abroad MS/MBA/IT-Onsite earlier, but somehow I wanted to be close with my parents. My elder brother is settled in USA. He is not aware about my situation. I somehow thought I will wait for USA if any opportunity arises from my job in future otherwise I will be happily settling in India. I considered being close with parents as more priority since I am their only child in India. But now considering this situation of recent acceptance/denial, I have been really anxious. Well, some rare gay couple do settle but its gonna take years for somewhat better social acceptance.

I am questioning many decisions of my past "why". I don't know where I am right now. And I am very anxious about my future "what" will happen.
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Old 22nd Dec 2014, 10:11 AM   #9
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Re: Male sexuality - Confusion / Denial / Fear

Quote:
Originally Posted by vicky90 View Post
Yea, I did feel sometimes that I should have dealt with this earlier. It was always at the back of mind. Why did I take so long.? And even now why was it still difficult to accept positively.? I recently started visiting college counselor - who is helping me on different aspects but I doubt they are not very expert at this subject.
Somehow may be it was difficult considering upbringing, environment and future vision of my life. Although, I come from fairly liberal family with good educated background, since I cannot marry a girl - it is a very earth shattering to be as a gay.
- Do you consider me being late as something significant.? Anything to be considered.?

Opportunities abroad - Yes there should be something for somewhat intelligent person like me. But at this juncture in life, I just don't know why/when/where to find them to find them. I have done Computer Science, worked in IT MNC for two years and currently pursuing MBA from reputed university. I actually would had got many opportunities like abroad MS/MBA/IT-Onsite earlier, but somehow I wanted to be close with my parents. My elder brother is settled in USA. He is not aware about my situation. I somehow thought I will wait for USA if any opportunity arises from my job in future otherwise I will be happily settling in India. I considered being close with parents as more priority since I am their only child in India. But now considering this situation of recent acceptance/denial, I have been really anxious. Well, some rare gay couple do settle but its gonna take years for somewhat better social acceptance.

I am questioning many decisions of my past "why". I don't know where I am right now. And I am very anxious about my future "what" will happen.
Nope. Given your situation and societal expectations, many gay people would be probably doubting their sexuality. Better late than never though, eh?!

Anyway, I wish you luck in your future, whatever you choose to do.

---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2014 at 06:13 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by vicky90 View Post
Yea, I did feel sometimes that I should have dealt with this earlier. It was always at the back of mind. Why did I take so long.? And even now why was it still difficult to accept positively.? I recently started visiting college counselor - who is helping me on different aspects but I doubt they are not very expert at this subject.
Somehow may be it was difficult considering upbringing, environment and future vision of my life. Although, I come from fairly liberal family with good educated background, since I cannot marry a girl - it is a very earth shattering to be as a gay.
- Do you consider me being late as something significant.? Anything to be considered.?

Opportunities abroad - Yes there should be something for somewhat intelligent person like me. But at this juncture in life, I just don't know why/when/where to find them to find them. I have done Computer Science, worked in IT MNC for two years and currently pursuing MBA from reputed university. I actually would had got many opportunities like abroad MS/MBA/IT-Onsite earlier, but somehow I wanted to be close with my parents. My elder brother is settled in USA. He is not aware about my situation. I somehow thought I will wait for USA if any opportunity arises from my job in future otherwise I will be happily settling in India. I considered being close with parents as more priority since I am their only child in India. But now considering this situation of recent acceptance/denial, I have been really anxious. Well, some rare gay couple do settle but its gonna take years for somewhat better social acceptance.

I am questioning many decisions of my past "why". I don't know where I am right now. And I am very anxious about my future "what" will happen.
By the way, how do you think your parents would react if you were to come out to them?
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Old 22nd Dec 2014, 10:16 PM   #10
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Re: Male sexuality - Confusion / Denial / Fear

I am not very sure how they would react.
My parents are both aged 60. My father is doctor. My mother is homemaker.
It would be really shocking for them. They & many other relatives / society have very high expectations from me, my marriage etc... Knowing about me as gay would be tragic for them. I don't think I will be able to help them come out within 6 months, its gonna take a year or two or may be more.. As I am 24, there is already pressure building for my marriage.
Options are
1. they may ignore it & try to convince me that its just a phase
2. they may listen for me - but still not accept it
3. they may ask from where I got into this n all sort of stupid questions

My father may be more patient in listening but I really don't think my mom would understand or listen to anything of it.

Very remote chance that they will listen and try to get themselves educated asap and come out themselves. Its gonna be very tough struggle for me.
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Old 23rd Dec 2014, 01:07 AM   #11
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Re: Male sexuality - Confusion / Denial / Fear

You have really given this a lot of good thought. The background you reflected in the first post shows a critical path that would certainly lead me to believe you are concluding that you are gay; and I am not sure I could disagree with that conclusion.

I would advise getting married to satisfy society pressures if you have the self esteem and confidence to avoid doing so. If you weigh between avoiding the "why are you not married yet question" to the complexities of getting married under false pretences, while both difficult, I would believe dealing with the question is the better choice to make.

Dealing with your parents then takes time and care. Any reason they might already suspect? Have they reflected negative views regarding LGBT previously? Have they shown you examples or their love for you through other difficult circumstances? Have you seen examples of them being open minded on controversial topics and shown an ability to change views when warranted? These are all questions you need to ask yourself.
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