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I still don't 'get' bisexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by LooseMoose, Dec 23, 2014.

  1. LooseMoose

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    I understand that in crude terms bisexual means 'sexually attracted to both'.
    But a sexual identity is much more than that: its about how you relate do the world, your gender identity, the way you incorporate yourself into relationship dynamics.
    Those aspects are not 'sexual orientation' as such, but aspects of your person linked to it.

    For me being in a straight relationship v. being a gay relationship are two entirely different things & sexual attraction plays very little role in explaining it, I just don't feel at ease in straight relationship dynamic, I feel inhibited.

    Even if I *were* to be genuinely sexually bisexual: which I doubt I have the capacity for, because I don't find men erotic (but there certainly is a capacity to overlook the fact that some people I like are male, so I am probably pan-romantic or some such), I would still feel that all those other, non-sexual elements make it impossible for me to be fully happy romantically in a straight relationship.
    Maybe it would be possible with a genderqueer male person, but I don't know, but not in a straight relationship.

    Given that to me opposite-sex and same sex relationships are so drastically different, and given how preferable a same-sex relationship is to me, I struggle to see how for some people they are one and the same.

    Even when one reads accounts of other's relationships, the cliches usually state that in same sex relationships people 'get' each other more, there is a bigger potential for emotional/sexual intimacy & understanding etc.
    I just struggle to see how this could be achieved in a straight relationship if you have gay tendencies and how this can make straight/gay mode of being equivalent.

    The part that I don't get is the 'doesn't matter' what sex/gender the person is: it might not matter in initial attraction, but really does not matter in the long term?
    Sexes/genders are very different & most crucially a straight relationship/sex can result in pregnancy = it carries the weight of constant contraception for the woman, and as such it is more complicated. How is NOT different from gay relationships? And how is not possible to not have a preference for one or the other?
     
    #1 LooseMoose, Dec 23, 2014
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  2. Melanie

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    I get what youre saying but two more androgynous people would have less trouble relating in both a same sex and opposite sex relationship. The real differences in dynamic are the specifically male and female traits or characteristics which I think are mostly socialized.

    Being somewhat androgynous I could probably get along well with a more androgynous guy that relates to others in a female manner (because I relate to others as female), but I couldnt get past the fact that hes a guy. My relationship with such a person would be platonic. I'm not sexually attracted to the male body.

    I need to add, though, that someone (male or female) that engages with others in more of a characteristically masculine manner may not be as attractive to me.
     
    #2 Melanie, Dec 23, 2014
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  3. gravechild

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    I don't think I've ever heard another bisexual say, "Straight and gay relationships work exactly the same for me." Perhaps for certain pansexuals, who pay more attention to personality, but even then, I'm sure they acknowledge the differences that exist between those of different sexes and genders, however small.

    Anyway, it makes sense that a gay person wouldn't understand how a multisexual would or could find someone of the opposite sex attractive, since they don't share that attraction, and ditto with a straight person trying to understand homosexual attraction. I can't understand just being attracted to masculinity/femininity, or cis men/women.

    How does one not have a preference for one or the other? Simple: they're attracted to traits that can be found in both, and/or pay more attention to the dynamic that exists between the two. In other words, it's not about, "I prefer men/women to women/men," for some people, but, "I prefer this man/woman to other men/women."

    For me, it's similar to having an attraction to people of different body types, or hair colors, or personalities. I don't expect monosexuals to understand, but that's the closest I can come to describing it. On the surface, yes, there are a few differences, but again... most gay couples do the same thing most straight couples do, so I'm not sure how one is more valid than the other...
     
  4. Lyana

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    I think gravechild put it very well.

    I see why you can't understand it, LooseMoose, because there are parts of your post that I don't understand. I have no idea what a 'straight relationship dynamic' is, for example. I think every relationship is different. I've never categorized people into 'straight' and 'gay,' and I don't categorize my relationships that way, either.

    I'm incapable of seeing why gender should be an obstacle (to me) when the person is absolutely amazing in every way. And if the person is awesome, we're going to have an awesome relationship dynamic, and it's not going to be a straight dynamic or a gay dynamic. It's going to be our dynamic.

    When I try to imagine an ideal relationship, I don't imagine my partner as having to be one specific gender. I imagine a partner who's sexy, compassionate, open-minded, funny, kind to my family, etc, etc -- all the things that make a great significant other for me. And I know these qualities can be found in both men and women (and anyone).

    Also, contraception can be annoying, but it's not that awful, and it's not always the woman.
     
  5. bicomplicated

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    A relationship with a straight person vs a gay person or another bi person is somewhat different. But that doesn't matter. While there are varrying degrees of bisexuality, I AM in fact just as attracted to women as I am to men and vice versa. Just different aspects that I am attracted to. It is sooo possible to be attracted to both. I can't explain it; it just is. That being said, I am more attracted to men with a somewhat feminine side. But still. Also, the whole contraceptive thing is a non issue. Even some gay and lesbian couples want children. Some bisexuals want children. I know I do. And if you want to avoid pregnancy, take contaceptive. It's so not a big deal.
     
  6. Chloe

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    I have never heard bi folks saying the relationships dynamics (or anything else about straight vs gay) are the same. Either it's not addressed, or, as in my case, they don't matter. Not mattering is entirely different from being equivalent. To some extent, I "get" the issue of different group-based dynamics, aside from the dynamics based on individuals, but that's not really the issue.
     
  7. Anongirl123

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    I've been wondering this as well. Although for me, I've always been curious about satisfaction levels in long term relationships rather than how you can like two different things.

    Pardon me for sounding ignorant, but I'm earnestly confused about something (and I really don't want to offend anyone!). I can understand liking both genders very much, while still acknowledging that a relationship with a man and a relationship with a woman are going to feel quite different. This makes sense, because men and women are different. Generally, they tend to be different emotionally/psychologically - there are traditional "masculine" and "feminine" traits that I really believe have biological roots, instead of purely societal ones (and there's nothing wrong with that). The vibe you get from men and women is different, as LooseMoose explained (just a general 'feeling', I suppose). Yet even if you could find a man or a woman who defied all preconceived, traditional male and female traits and was very androgynous, that still wouldn't negate the physical differences. It doesn't just boil down to genitals either, but physique; I'm talking little details, like broad shoulders, pecs, and body hair versus breasts, hips, smooth skin etc. Thus, the nature of what kind of sex you have is also going to be fundamentally different, despite accommodations.

    So, even if you like both very much, regardless of how different they may be (because you can obviously like very different things), how does this factor into how someone who is both deeply monogamous and bisexual goes about choosing a partner? If you do want to settle down with one life partner in a strictly monogamous relationship, would it feel like you're giving something up? I've heard before of bisexuals who grow to miss the other gender as time passes. To me, this is the most confusing thing about being bisexual, and it also seems like it would be the most difficult thing.
     
  8. Fallingdown7

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    Personally, although I think they can be different because men and women have different brains and straight and queer culture are different, I still think there's plenty of exceptions that could make them similar and personal to that couple. Dynamic wise I mean; there are lesbian relationships that are heteronormative and repressive as HELL (Ever heard of the butch/femme thing, or the idea that butches always have to be the top and dominant partner that controls the femme, that's like a dynamic heterosexual relationship). And there are straight relationships that are not heteronormative what so ever that can involve the 'feeling' of a lesbian relationship; IE: A man and a woman being both equally effeminate, man being more submissive, couple that does not value vaginal intercourse as the only valid form of sex, and I've seen both of these situations in both communities.

    So I think when people have feelings like this they have to ask themselves, am I turned off by MEN or just the IDEA of a restrictive heteronormative relationship (which is not limited to heterosexual pairings)?
     
  9. ForNarnia

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    Personally, I dont understand how people can only be attracted to one gender, either. I know people are only attracted to one gender, and I have no problem with that, but in my mind, there will always be a nagging voice like "but they MUST be attracted to the other gender sometimes" even though I know that's not the case. I guess that it's hard to imagine what it feels like to be anyone but ourselves,but that's not a bad thing, it's just human nature. You may never understand multisexuals and I may never understand monosexuals, but as long as we accept eachother, and strive to overcome these difficulties, the only way is up
     
  10. BrassGoggles

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    Like some other people said, I've never really gotten being attracted to one gender. My first real crush was on a girl and I did put more emphasis on my attraction to guys for years (mostly due to pressure from people around me and my own denial) but the girls were always there. For me at least it's not that it doesn't matter what gender they are. I mean, it doesn't in the sense that I'm attracted to males and females and that if there were a guy and a girl with the same kind of personality traits that I like, both of whom I was attracted to, I wouldn't immediately rule out either of them based on their gender. Hopefully that made sense. What I'm trying to say is that yes, to me at least, it's very different. I haven't been in many relationships so I can't talk much about romantic/sexual relationships being different but I can't imagine them being the same. Even just taking into account the obvious physical differences between a man and a woman and not the psychological differences or anything they're very different. But I don't prefer one over the other.

    I really hope that made sense. It kinda made sense in my head until I tried to put it into words.
     
  11. flatlander48

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    I think this is getting 'way too complicated when, in fact, it is a pretty simple concept.

    For heterosexuals and gay people, when you start to talk about attractions, you have to start with a person of the opposite sex and same sex, respectively. That's the initial hurdle or gating factor. So, for example, when a heterosexual person seeks a person that they might be attracted to, they start looking for someone of the opposite sex. Anything else is a non-starter. For gay people, the statement would be similar except substitute "same" for "opposite".

    However, for bisexuals, the above construct assumes much less importance. So, of the many factors that go into contributing to attraction, sex is not at the top of the list. It falls well down among other lesser factors. That is the essence of bisexuality.

    The dynamics of a given relationship have very little to do with bisexuality. We all have the power to define our relationships as we choose. There are gay relationships that mimic how opposite sex relationships work and there are many that don't. And, we must remember that the sequence of things is to find a potential partner and then work out the dtails of the relationship. It doesn't work too well the other way around...
     
  12. stocking

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    Am I the only person that is not bisexual that thinks bisexual is pretty straight found and not hard to figure out :confused: It's just attraction to both sexes and there are different degrees of it .
    I mean sure I won't ever get how they feel or how they view men and women in the relationship aspect but as for their attracts to both genders it seems pretty straight forward . But then again I knew a lot of bisexual people as a teen .
     
  13. shadowraptor

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    You're not the only one stocking, I'm with you. My best girl friend happens to be bi and I don't see what the big deal is. She came out to me after I had come out to her, and she was worried I wouldn't understand what it meant to be bi. But I pretty much understand the concept, I 'get' it although I've never been sexually attracted to a girl (however I consider myself biromantic). People seem to think that it's only possible to swing one way and are oblivious to the fact that sexuality is a spectrum.
     
  14. stocking

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    I may not be biromantic but I still get it , I always wonder what's so hard for other people to figure out ,and I've seen see people who have attraction to both that are still confused on bisexuality .:confused:
     
  15. biAnnika

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    It's pretty simple, Moose.

    My heart can be utterly melted by the right man. There is a wide range of things I fantasize about doing with a man sexually, and when I've had opportunities to do them, mmm, they've been pretty damned good. There are other things I haven't tried, but would enjoy.

    My heart can be utterly melted by the right woman. There is a wide range of things I enjoy doing sexually with my partner...I imagine that any one woman I'd partner with (short term or long term) would enjoy different things, maybe expose me to more.

    That's bisexuality; full stop. Maybe you don't feel it (because, duh, you aren't bisexual). But confusing? Not without overcomplicating it.

    Relationship dynamics? Don't be ridiculous. I've had a different relationship with each gf I've had. Very different dynamics in each case. I've never had a "significant long term relationship" with a guy, but I've known many guys with whom I'd consider such a relationship under the right circumstances...and all of those dynamics are quite different as well.

    Surely my gender factors into each of those dynamics. Surely theirs does as well. But it's not like all women are the same (i.e., express their gender identity in the same ways), or all men. *Many* kinds of men would never attract me for a long term relationship precisely because of how they express their gender...ditto many women. Yes I would look for different things in a man than I look for in a woman. But how is this confusing? If I tried to define it all, maybe I'd find it confusing, but come on! You're a woman who's attracted to women, right? Do you really have such a rigid sex of expectations and desires that there's only one kind of relationship you could end up in? Or won't the relationship (and you) evolve as you get to know another person? In "confusing" ways you can't possibly predict right now.

    Why should it be different with bisexuals?
     
  16. Adam1969

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    Yep... I know people have to ask these questions but I find it odd that so many people who understand heterosexuality and homosexuality, all too often cant understand a point at which the two would intersect. Kinsey went a long way in explaining this many decades ago. His studies were not perfect but he did educate and inform millions on the topics being discussed here.

    An equal question to ask would be... I still don't 'get' why some people dont get bisexuality!? I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm amazed that people have difficulty with this pretty easily understood concept. Especially when these are people that have a more unique sexual identify than the majority of the population as well!? It is truly baffling! If I seem aggressive its only because I want to motivate people to put themselves squarely in other people shoes when trying to understand the concept of bisexuality... They're OK, You're OK and I'm OK. We are all different though... pretty simple!

    Thanks for letting me vent and thanks to those who added warm feedback on this question! (&&&)
     
    #16 Adam1969, Dec 23, 2014
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  17. kindy14

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    I think, the lack of attraction and romantic feelings for the opposite sex, have many people confused. My attraction feels the same, whether it's a guy or a gal. I might be attracted to different aspects of a person, but the feelings, they seem the same to me.

    Can't really comment on long term relationships. Short term, my getting crushes on a guy feel the same as the crushes I get on gals.
     
  18. MissBookworm

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    Although I'm not bisexual, I think this question is very similar to a different response I get when coming out. "Oh, you're gay? Just don't hit on me, okay?" People assume that your sexual orientation, if you're queer, makes you attracted to everyone of that/those gender(s). To answer your question, in a monogamous relationship for a gay person, is it hard for them to stay monogamous? Everyone experiences attraction to different genders. So, no matter what your sexual orientation, you're probably going to feel lust for people other than your S.O. Bisexuals don't have it any different, but if they decide to be in a monogamous relationship, the whole point is to stay faithful.