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OCD has ruined everything...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Sunshine3000, Dec 25, 2014.

  1. Sunshine3000

    Sunshine3000 Guest

    Let me start by saying, I've made a few posts here and there on this forum regarding this subject and things are getting better. I have OCD, a very very intrusive awful form of OCD that has caused my mentality a whole lot of agony and confusion. During the winter I ALWAYS get awful "OCD spikes" knows as "pure-O" (A form of intrusive thinking.) My theory is because I get 0 vitamin D and tend to eat bad in the winter. That triggers ED which makes me mentally insane and therefore triggers my OCD.

    So what's this winters OCD problem? Questioning my orientation of course! And I mean far beyond a healthy questioning. I mean a compulsive anxiety inducing intrusive questioning.

    I believe I developed a form of HOCD this winter, but in the form of what I now call "AOCD" (asexual OCD and aromantic OCD.) If you're familiar with HOCD this will make sense to you.

    So now I'm trying to break this intrusive thought cycle and I am totally weak (physically and mentally.) I haven't ate much in a month, and have only had a glass of water a day for the past few weeks. So my brain is very woozy.

    So, now there is this guy I think I like. And he just talked to me today (ah!!!) But then the thought of being in a relationship FREAKED me out. I've never been in a real relationship per say. The closest is in 6th grade I hade a "boyfriend" I didn't even like. I remember my first date with him, my eyes were watering I was so nervous to just be on a date even though I didn't really care about this person. So needless to say, I'm psyched out that I'm lithromantic or something (feel romantic attraction but don't want it returned.) I am just so freaked out of being in a relationship or being sexual with another person. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 17 and it was with someone I didn't like or know and then I was sexually assaulted and now I'm just confused. I want to want to want a relationship... and I do in a sense, but this weird feeling I get that freaks me out... I always get it. Anyone?

    I'm also freaked that I am really aromantic (don't feel romantic attraction) because I thought I was in love with my best friend but realized I might just really love her platonically which I'm really comfortable with. I mean it's blurry. I wanted to share beds with her and marry her but anything physical was pretty much off limits because it weirded me out and turned me off. Is it possible to"fall-in-friend-love?" Can anybody relate. Was this like a bromance? Because I think I'm bisexual but I can't tell for sure or know for sure. I would pay someone big cash to switch bodies to get a second opinion on what orientation I really am.

    I just want to be comfortable and not scared. I want to feel comfortable about the mere thought of dating this guy and I don't want to be aromantic/asexual. I HATE OCD. I sound so crazy. :frowning2:

    HELP
     
  2. womaninamber

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    No offense but I had trouble reading past the part where you said you are barely eating and drinking. You really need to not endanger your life. (I know it's easy for me to say, if you have an eating disorder it must be extremely difficult, but that made me very concerned.)

    I also have problems with intrusive thoughts that are probably OCD and I so much want a second opinion on my sexuality too, if that were possible. All I can say is to give it time and see who (if anyone) you are attracted to but when people say that to me I always have a hard time accepting the advice because I just want to know! So I totally sympathize.
     
  3. Sunshine3000

    Sunshine3000 Guest

    Thanks for the reply, I'm sorry it wasn't my intention to make the focus of this about my eating. I'm not intentionally trying to endanger my life. Not eating is just a coping mechanism for when my OCD spirals out of control.

    Anyways, no worries I work with people to maintain my eating.

    I just thought I should mention it since it does play a factor in my brain chemistry and OCD.
     
  4. womaninamber

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    I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.

    But like I said I have been having a problem with intrusive thoughts as well so I really do sympathize. Usually I can tell what's just an intrusive thought and not reality but not always. I think it's especially hard when it's orientation because it's natural to be confused about that (for some people anyway) but when you throw OCD in there too it just gets weird.
     
  5. Sunshine3000

    Sunshine3000 Guest

    No don't worry at all you didn't make me uncomfortable!!!

    Yeah, in the past my intrusive thoughts have been so unrealistic that I did believe them, but at the same time it was easier to fight through them. But with orientation, as you said it's something that's normal and natural. Which makes it worse for me. I'm sorry you deal with intrusive thoughts too. It's a pain.
     
  6. Apollonia

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    Hi,

    Just to grab that point of not eating as well, even though I do understand it wasn't the core of your post, but - as someone who has battled with eating disorders for the past 10 plus years, I know from experience that when you starve yourself (be it on purpose or not) it makes the OCD worse. A LOT worse. When your brain doesn't have enough energy it goes a bit crazy, and this is something you will realize only after you start eating properly and keep it up long enough.

    Healthy body, healthier mind.

    As for your sexuality, is it really that important to put a label on yourself right now? It sounds to me you have a lot of anxiety (again, something I can relate to) and putting the pressure of figuring yourself out right here and now maybe makes that worse. I know it's not the answer you were necessarily looking for, but maybe take some time to get to know yourself. You say you don't want to be aromantic or asexual, but then again if you are then you are and you can't change that. And vice versa, if you are not, eventually you will meet someone you will have romantic/sexual feelings for.

    So long story short, relax, eat well, take care of yourself; you will figure it out with time.
     
  7. Sunshine3000

    Sunshine3000 Guest

    Thanks for replying. I'm gonna try my best to work on my health. And was for my orientation, It's been two years of questioning, I'm getting impatient i guess. :frowning2:
     
  8. Sunshine3000

    Sunshine3000 Guest

    I'm just so in love with the idea of being in love and can't figure out if I feel romantic attraction and I want to so bad ughhh