I'm nervous to write so much personal stuff here but I need help. I only find the same sex attractive. when I look at males I just see a vague outline. I notice everything about females. however, emotionally, I can be attracted to any person. I was attacked when I was a teenager as a result of coming out. it really damaged me and I have felt more difficultly when examining my sexual orientation (sorry to write about this here, I don't mean to scare anyone who is thinking of coming out but this is relevant to my question). I'm not the most physical person, so I am able to have a relationship with someone based purely on emotional attraction. I am in a relationship with a male. we have been together for a few years and I do love him. he is aware of my orientation and accepts the way I want our relationship to be. he is legitimately the most loving, caring and thoughtful person and he truly loves me. but whilst I want to be with him, inside it feels wrong somehow. I'm also terrified that if I don't examine this I will become regretful. I don't want to end a relationship which brings me happiness without being certain that I am not being fulfilled. there's also the additional complication, in that we suffered a loss together, the loss of my father and I feel an emotional bond between us like an invisible string which cannot be cut. every time I'm around him I feel so guilty and my mental health is suffering. I feel I am betraying him. I know nobody can help me figure this out, but I wondered if anyone has any experience with conflict between sexual and romantic orientation? or if anyone can relate in general? thankyou.
If your mental health is suffering, and you're aware of it, it's like red warning lights all over the place. You don't need to remove him from your life if you don't want to. But it's obvious that you can't go on like this forever. It's neither fair to you, or him. Since the two of you seem very open and honest with each other, why not sit down and explain, explain that you worry that you might not be fulfilled, worry that you feel that you might keep him from finding HIS happiness, and well, that what you have is somehow wrong. You said it yourself: Deep inside, it feels wrong. To go against your very nature is a hopeless and self-destructive battle. But whatever happens, we're here for you. (*hug*)
yes, definitely pay attention to your mental health issues. get counselling if necessary. it might take just a couple sessions to help you get on the right track. this man with whom you have a relationship sounds like a good friend. hopefully you can just be totally honest with him. it sounds like you are almost at that point anyway. you have a bond with him that suggests you will always have a good connection. but you do need something more than that, and he will too, I think (but only you would know for sure). one thing for sure, the current situation is hurting you, and you are already thinking that you will have regrets if nothing changes. so make some changes! (&&&)
If your current relationship is causing you so much negative stress, you should probably take a very close look at it and figure out where it needs to be. This man sounds like a very good person, and if he already knows your orientation, then I believe that he will understand why you feel the way you do. I would say that you should definitely sit down with him and lay it all out on the table. That way, you can figure out together what needs to be done and how to go about the future. I would definitely say that he needs to be a part of this decision because it will affect him as well, and it might be nice to have someone to discuss all this with in person.
thankyou :icon_redf it feels like everyone is saying the same thing. I know I should talk with him, but I'm afraid to until I have more clarity in my mind. has anyone had a similar conversation with someone? I wouldn't say I'm going against my nature necessarily, as I identify myself to have emotional attractions to anyone. I do love him but I'm not physically attracted to him. I think it's more about what I want in a relationship and how my orientation effects this rather than my orientation itself. it seems wrong in the sense of I'd like to be with a female, and that feels like a betrayal. I want him to be happy and I know that not telling him this is going to be hurtful. my worst fear is hurting him, overall, but whilst I don't want to prolong this and cause more hurt, I also feel very confused and I don't want to do something without considering everything. I'm currently in therapy for other reasons but I have never had counselling to talk about my orientation. I would like to but I have no idea where to go to get support. I can't find any specific services. thankyou again so much. (&&&)
Hi, indiqo, welcome to EC. You'll have more clarity after you two talking, postponing the talk just brings you more anxiety and guilt, believe me. I had a similar conversation with my boyfriend 4 months ago actually. I came out to him after 14 years and I won't say it was easy; I'm glad I did though. It should be easier for you considering he's already aware of your orientation. I understand you don't want to hurt him but if it feels wrong and you desire to be with a woman instead (which is quite understandable) you should be honest with yourself and your boyfriend as well. I know you can do it. (*hug*)
I have been in a simillar situation as you are now. I know it seems like breaking up is going to hurt him, and it probably will, but it's the right thing to do. You love him, he loves you, but if you are not attracted to him, and you feel empty inside, you need to let him go. Don't feel guilty, I know it is easy to say, but I have felt it, I know it hurts, but it will pass. Think about him, he deserves someone who wants him in every way and fully loves him. You too deserve a woman that you could love till death. If you two stay together, you are not letting each other be fully happy. Breaking up here is a way of letting him find his happiness. It might be hard, but nothing good comes easy. I have been there 2 times, it will be ok, I promise. Just think about it, everyone deserves to find someone, be brave. If you need someone to talk to, I am here. Stay strong, wish you all the best.
He stood by you when you were dealing with the loss of your father. He'll stand by you when you tell him what you're going through now. He's a stand up guy! Give him the truth that he deserves. (&&&)
thankyou everyone so much for your advice and kindness. I feel so much better being able to speak with people who understand. it's such a relief and makes me feel so much better about even myself. to have contact with others who are like me. it's so lonely to be disconnected, which I have been for a long while :icon_redf the main part of feeling guilty and that something is not right is not about my sexuality, it is more that I know I'm keeping something from him (i.e. me questioning our relationship) and it feels so dishonest and awful. the reason I'm postponing talking with him is mainly because I'm not sure about any of my feelings and I'm concerned it would be unfair to confuse him with them because he will have his own feelings to understand. if he wasn't aware of my orientation already, the priority of him knowing would surpass this concern. does anyone know any way I can find a sexual orientation counselling service in my area (I'm in the uk)? (*hug*)
Hi indiqo, You might try googling "LGBT resource yourcityname" if you live in a large enough city centre or the name of the next closest city. They should either offer counseling or be able to point you somewhere.
thankyou. my problem is I live in a rural area and would struggle to get to a city. I found a cool resource a few days ago called pink therapy, it's some kind of massive directory of counsellors in the uk. I love your profile picture.
