I always knew I was different when I was growing up. I always insisted upon being the husband, or the brother, or the boyfriend in games when I was younger. I loved hanging out with the guys and acting masculine. When I was growing up, I was a major tomboy, and I was obsessed with playing sports. Now I'm in college, and I'm beginning to realize that, when I'm honest with myself (which can be a hard thing), I enjoy being masculine (although I hide it by what I wear and how I act), and I'm not entirely sure if I'm comfortable imagining myself with a guy. This realization did not come without struggle... (I'm not the best writer... so bare with me... and I'm not even sure if threads are meant for posts like this... but meh) My mom set a job up for me over the summer at a camp. I was reluctant, but I did it anyways because I needed money. When I arrived the first day, I was paired up with another counselor (I thought she may have been a lesbian because I had seen her working with the LGBT club at my old school). I thought she was pretty, but I hadn't thought much of it at first. After the first day though, I started to feel different around her... It was similar to the way I use to feel about guys in middle school when I had a crush... It scared me... It scared me a lot, so I denied it. I told myself it was completely normal for straight girls to feel butterflies in their stomach when they were around other girls. So I moved on, or at least I thought I did. When I got to college, I joined a Christian organization. I wasn't at all religious, but one of my good friends wanted me to try it, and I was trying to make friends. Little did I know that I was setting myself up in a difficult position. As I was trying to make friends, I couldn't see myself being attracted to someone in the club who was of the same sex... But I was. There was a girl in the club that I couldn't get my eyes off of. I just wanted to be around her, and as bad as this seems, I even imagined being more than a friend to her... I found out she had a boyfriend though, and I was heart-broken. The whole situation made me confused, and I thought I was fooling myself (again)... But I wasn't. I have started to realize that I recognize girls more than guys, and when I imagine myself with a guy, I feel awkward and as if I'm missing something, but when I imagine myself with a girl... oh man, the butterflies start swarming. I haven't told anyone anything, not a soul (except my twin, but then I told her that I was lying to myself). That's probably why this post is particularly scrambled. I haven't put all my feelings down, and that's probably because there are too many to put into writing. Currently, I'm at a loss. Many of the friends I have made are in the Christian organization, and although I thought they were okay with homosexuals (as I was raised in a church that welcomes the lifestyle), they have made it clear that they certainly believe the lifestyle is a sin... and I just don't believe that. I have even begun to question my beliefs, and I'm starting to consider that I may be agnostic... But next semester, I have no clue what I will do. It's the main organization I participate in, but if I continue participating, I will be lying to them AND myself... BUT if I stop participating, people will question me, and I could lose some people. I want to make friends that I can talk to though, and I really don't feel like I can talk to anyone. Additionally, I have no clue how to "experiment," so to speak. I have been with guys, and I usually felt no emotion on the romantic level, even though I told them I did. I thought maybe I didn't have enough experience. I even started to realize that I don't really feel attracted to guys when my friends point out someone they are attracted to. I say I agree, but I'm lying... I don't know how to find people I can relate to. I don't believe sexuality defines me as a whole, but it's a puzzle piece that is needed to complete the picture, and right now, that piece is under the carpet somewhere... (Oh gosh, now I sound desperate... I'm not usually this open, but I'm anonymous, so I'm okay). Anyways... I just needed to vent. Sorry for the poor writing and the long post. If anyone can relate, I'd love to hear how you have dealt. Thanks.
sexuality doesn't define anyone. it's nothing more than who you're attracted to. which is your personal choice. as long as it's another human, who cares? it's obvious that you're at least bisexual, if not - completely lesbian. you'll never be able to find a partner of the same sex until you at least somewhat come out of the closet. i'm not trying to stand behind you and shove you out but if you want happiness in that aspect of life, it's what you'll have to do. you can't walk around claiming to be straight and expect a girl to fall into your arms. it doesn't work like that. if you enjoy dressing like a dude, then do it, regardless of your orientation. you don't need to hide yourself from anyone. i have 0 aspirations to be a man but all the clothing i own is masculine from shoes to boxers to shorts, shirts, you name it.
First of all welcome. Well you are here and now you can find people of any gender and sexual identity to relate to. I believe it is more important to find people with similar intrests that ain't judge you. I feel more comfortable around mixed groups of people with open minds, instead of self consturcted concentration camps. I think first you should focus on being comfortable in your own skin instead of worrying over what you will do next year about your club. I was few of the lucky persons in LGBT+ community that didn't go thru any questioning period so I relate some of your post... like feeling awkward when picturing yourself with opposite gender but feeling all giddy with same gender. It was always like that for me.
I would try finding a LGBT group on campus. It may ruffle some feathers of your Christian group, but tbh, even if I was straight as a nail I would never want to involve myself with people who didn't wholeheartedly accept gay people. best way to experiment is to find all the other queer women LGBT groups try to be as anonymous and low key about who is a member as they can be, but if you are absent everytime they have a meeting, or someone finds a flyer, obviously word could get out. But as I said, I'd drop those friends that don't accept you like a hot potato.
