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Never ending loop

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by vicky90, Dec 30, 2014.

  1. vicky90

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    I am 24 male from India.

    I really feel very much confused about my orientation. It is not that I feel the urge to label myself but I am confused about what is the long term happiness for me.? Is it with Male or Female.? Whom should I pursue.? I am already 24 and the pressure of "M" word - marriage fear - is increasing directly or indirectly and hence I feel very very anxious with lot of thoughts running in my mind.

    I feel I am constantly running in the loop of acceptance, confusion, exploration, etc...

    GUYS:-
    I am very much sure about my sexual & romantic interests for guys. Ever since the age of 10-11 I have felt more or less different for guys BUT I tried to ignore it and did not allow it to be acknowledged. Only since last six months - I have been more open about sexuality and fully accepting and telling myself that "yes I like guys. I am not straight. I am either bisexual(may be I can pursue girls) or gay(I will pursue guys)".


    GIRLS:-
    Now I am constantly reconsidering my interests for girls and it becomes yes/no/may be - very much confusing. Some points :-
    1. Desperately trying to like girls sexually, I have tried explicitly to get turned on by them and it made me partially successful for short run but I did not get that natural implicit awareness to get sexually excited by hot girls. From my heart, I can appreciate beauty of girl but not hot-ness. I may get excited for girls after trying hard.
    2. Around a complicated juncture, It seemed to me that I have solved all matters and all the problems are over, there- I had taken hasty decision to being committed with a girl who was very attached to me. We were in long distance relation for around 4 months. We could not be physically intimate with each other. It did not give me much positive feelings and it has proved to be one of the worst decision of my life. I hate myself for rushing things there.
    3. In pursuit of proving myself being sexually happy with female - I have tried to spend a some hours with a known friend girl (she being unaware of my doubts). It did not give me any confirmation. I was aroused. It was the first time I was naked with a girl and it was completely new experience. BUT I am not sure whether I want to do it again.
    4. Historically, I have not been much close with girls. I can count hardly 3-4 good female friends in my life. I am a shy person - which can add to my confusion.

    I feel I am constantly shifting my labels between: gay, mostly gay, bi-curious gay, bisexual-with strong preference for guys, bisexual equally, questioning... Once I feel I am sure and then my doubts come again.

    I think my anxiety and over-thinking nature is causing more trouble.

    Not that label is important, but the gender is important for me to know what to pursue in long term and move on with life. I guess I am giving too much attention to this. I feel urge to stop thinking about it, accept it, and move on with it considering it as just a part of my life - BUT I am failing every now and then. There is more to life apart from sexuality but I feel I am completely losing on other things because of focus on sexuality.

    The social environment here is very difficult for being accepted LGBT. Actually if someone is BI - he/she would be considered as Straight only and it would be best to stay closeted.

    I should ignore FEAR but I am not able to. There is FEAR on both the sides.

    GUYS: What if my parents agree/disagree, What will others (parents, relatives, close friends etc)say, How will I convince others, How will I find guy, Will there be any guy for me, How will I take care of parents, Is this my obsession, Will I be truly happy.

    GIRLS: What if i marry a girl and it ruins her life, What if after 5 years I am not happy with her, What if I am caught after being married, What if my interests for girls don't increase/fade away, What I am only 10/20% interested in girls compared to guys, Will I be happy from inside..

    I should NOT consider these fears - rather take decisions from my heart with courage. BUT I am failing.


    I have opened with 4 of my friends with my confusions and in general they are not aware about what it means to be LGBT and initial responses are -
    "it could be from mind",
    "may be you are just bi curious",
    "you were already committed with a girl, what was that, may be this is just doubt",
    "may be you have not tried enough with girls",
    "may be because you have not been much with girls as friends",
    "even if you are BI (guys/girls-80/20 ratio) - why can't you try to pursue girls",
    "things will settle after marriage",
    "what is your problem if you are bi"
    "don't fight too much - pursue your happiness",
    "we will support with your decision",
    "dont take decisions in fear"
    I have tried my best to explain them my situation - they have understood some part but they also feel helpless. and sometimes their responses also make me doubt myself more.


    Please advice..!

    Thanks in advance !! :slight_smile::slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2014 at 02:46 PM ----------

    Sorry for making it too long and detailed.
     
  2. vicky90

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    May be I should try to date or have sex with a couple of girls more to confirm the interests. Oh God ! Will my confusions ever go..
     
  3. Spartan 117

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    Hey there! :slight_smile:

    Wow, it sounds like you've thought about things... a lot. I'm sorry you're going through such a stressful time in your life. I bet it's really difficult, especially in India, where they've seemed to have taken a step back for LGBT rights recently.

    Unfortunately, nobody here can tell you for sure what your sexuality is. Only you know how you really feel. There's such a broad range of sexuality, as you know, and you could be anywhere on that spectrum. In an ideal world, my advice would be not to worry so much about what 'label' you are and just follow your heart towards whatever and whoever makes you happy. After all, being happy with someone is a good indicator you're on the right track!

    I think, from what you've said, that you're still going to worry about what 'label' you fit. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: So I will offer some advice: with guys, you seem confident of your sexuality. There's no problem there. But with girls you constantly try to 'prove' that you can be attracted to them and it sounds like you've failed on quite a few attempts! Could it be that girls just aren't right for you?

    Either way, I don't think that you should keep going out of your way to 'try' and sleep and date more girls to find out- I think you're putting way too much pressure on yourself. You should try and let the attraction form naturally, otherwise you may end up in another situation where you're in a relationship with a girl that you don't want to be with!

    Don't let your friends (or my) opinions cloud your thoughts- you know your own feelings better than anyone. No matter what your sexuality, you will be okay, always remember that. (*hug*)
     
  4. bingostring

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    hi vicky90

    I agree with spartan. I also think you are over-thinking.
    Does part of you know the answers already?

    Maybe take your feet off the accelerator - and off the brakes too - and just coast along for the next few months and I expect you will come back at it from a slightly clearer viewpoint.

    And do not let the marriage pressure force you to make any lasting decisions about anything until you are really really ready.
     
  5. vicky90

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    Thank you friends for providing your inputs.

    I do agree that I should not consider label & just be light about understanding my heart and accepting the outcome. I am not looking for exact 100% perfect label - rather what I am confused is whether I should pursue Male or Female - and it is gonna change my entire life in totally different directions...

    I am not fully clear but yes, I have to agree that sometimes I do feel that part of me already knows the answer but other part seeks whether I am fully sure, whether there is any other possibility, whether I have not understood myself enough...

    Sadly, yes, I feel pressure of future anxiety and feel like I should clear this matter now. Its consumed too much of unfruitful time & mind attention. I am trying hard to stay calm. Yes, over-thinking is there. I am not sure how all of these will go away. Will my mind ever be normal...

    I am not sure when will the internal fight, confusions, endless loop end. I am trying to take things in small manner but somehow thoughts keep coming very much. I am also taking some professional psychology help but as long as this thing is hanging in my mind - I don't know how helpful is that..

    I am not sure how I will be able to avoid the pressure...
     
    #5 vicky90, Dec 30, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2014
  6. bingostring

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    You can be a bit kinder to yourself and realise these matters are all to do with differing shades of grey. No answer is ever black, or white. And the shade of grey may also change later in life anyway. So give yourself some breathing space if you know what I mean.

    When you meet the right person your brain will know the answer sure enough !!!
     
  7. vicky90

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    Yes, it is indeed some shade of grey and thus creating confusion about Male / Female. This year has been very interesting at least I am finally getting more comfortable about understanding myself. But may be still I am not quite ready to explore/accept it fully.

    IMHO, At this moment - the best I can describe myself - is - Mostly gay / Homoflexible / Gay curious / Kinsley 5-6 etc... I don't know if this is just sort of transition of my brain before fully accepting myself as gay. Right now - I feel I am good to go with Male !! May be, it will require some more time to settle down the things and get some breathing space.

    I have given enough thought and efforts to just ignore it, but sadly it keeps nagging.

    Happy New Year everyone !
     
    #7 vicky90, Dec 31, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2014