I'm pretty sure I'm gay. I've been hardcore struggling ever since I started to doubt my sexuality in high school. My grandmother and a lot of my extended family used to be Amish, so I was raised very religiously. I went to church, said my prayers, read my bible, etc... So you can imagine the guilt I feel when I can't figure out my orientation. I just keeping thinking, "what will my family think?" I was home for a visit, and a few family members were calling things gay and making fun of "homos" and it really got to me. I know how they feel about anyone who isn't straight, so how am I ever supposed to accept myself when I have religion AND family working against me? I think I could be so much happier if I could just get to a point where I think it's okay to question it. Now, all I feel is guilt and an overwhelming feeling that I'm going to hell. I'm even pro-LGBT publicly around my family; it's just that I feel as though I'm doing something wrong, or that I'm "living in sin." It's like the teachings of the church have been ingrained in me and I can't get them out. Anyone else have similar experiences? I'm also bipolar, and whenever I'm in a depressive stage, I think about how I want to kill myself if I turn out to be gay. I'm on medicine and I'm working through this, but I'm worried for myself sometimes when I'm in that really low spot. Basically what I'm looking for is advice or someone else that has been going through a similar experience. I love my family, but they're not accepting and I know that I'll lose them if I come out. I've considered being alone as opposed to being happy in a relationship with the same sex. That seems like a terrible decision, so if anyone can help me out... that would be awesome.
yes, I have had very similar experiences. I would say that you are way ahead of where I was at your stage of life, because you are at least being honest with yourself about your orientation, and you are facing up to all that implies. I was raised Catholic and accepted a similar understanding of being gay. So I kept denying it, hating myself, fearing hell, being ashamed, and being mildly depressed for my whole life until I slipped into a major suicidal depression. I never came out to my parents, who have passed away. when I was in therapy during my major depression, my doctor kept trying to get me to talk about what was bothering me, but I kept saying that it was nothing, I was just depressed. He told me that we are only as sick as our secrets, and so I was indeed very sick and missed the best opportunity of my life up to that point to get some help. I grew up when homosexuality was still classified as a disease. I worked in an environment where just being gay was grounds for firing, and acting on it was grounds for arrest and criminal charges. so the motivation for trying to be straight was high, and that led to some disastrous choices, like marrying a woman who never knew what was going on in her life (or mine) because the marriage was a lie from the get to. I am definitely later in life, but I am honest with myself, and getting honest with other people, though I am still largely in the closet. I'm kind of peering out the door, and shouting out to some people that I want to get out. I have studied what the bible says and what my church's teachings actually say, and I feel that people have used it as a hammer and selectively take things out of context. The only thing that Jesus really said that applies is that we are to love our neighbors. He always ate with the marginalized and the excluded, so if being gay had been an issue there would have been some stories about him eating at the gay man's house. and there is definitely not a word of condemnation of gays that is recorded as coming from him. he is the fulfillment of the old, so if there was something about being gay that needed to be explained in greater detail, I think he would have told us. The "what will my family think" is one of the things that has kept me in the closet. It is just so hard, and I think that we shouldn't worry about it too much. I say that in the sense that if we continue along a healing process, we will know what to do and when to do it. Today is probably not the day for that, but only you will know. You mention being bipolar, so I hope that means that you have a doctor that you see for that, and who can manage that with meds if necessary. If you do have a doctor, it would be good to talk to them about what you are going through. if you can't talk to that doctor about it, find a different one who specializes in LGBT issues. And who knows, if you deal with these orientation issues, some of your other problems may be helped out as well, just because you won't be carrying this heavy psychological burden, or at least you won't be carrying it alone. As far as having to choose between your family and a happy relationship, yeah, that would be tough. but remember, you don't know for sure that they would completely exclude you. maybe they would, but sometimes things turn out differently. but just don't get too far ahead of yourself, because then it all seems impossible and you'll never want to take the first steps. it's the old cliche again, "how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time." Go ahead and take that first bite! (&&&)
That was a great response. Thank you. I did come out to my therapist and she has been helping me figure out a plan for managing the depression. I can't imagine going through what you did. I am thankful that I have the ability to feel safer than you may have. I really like what you said about the religious aspect. I'm going to do some more research on this. I think if I can accept it from this standpoint, then it will be easier, in time, to tell people. I keep forgetting that it's a process, and that I don't have to tell the world right now. I'm putting too much pressure on myself I think. Thank you.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! Coming out to your therapist was a great step. As far as dealing with homophobic family members, my wife just made some really ugly homophobic slurs about a friend of ours who she thinks is gay (I don't know if he is or not, he's a priest so he doesn't talk about that stuff). I told her that she was homophobic and that was an ugly thing to say, but she doesn't care. But it makes it a lot harder to be honest and come out to her. On the other hand, it helps me understand why I've been on the down low for so long.
