Why didn't I come out in college?

I don't understand why I didn't come out in college. I hung around in the Lesbian and Gay Alliance as an ally, and I thought I might not be straight, but it was more of a vague thought. But if I had come out most of my straight friends would have accepted it and even my parents would have.

So it seems like maybe I am straight, since back in college I had a great opportunity to explore these feelings and I didn't take it, just kept dating men and backed out of the only chance I had with a woman. Of course I was afraid of homophobia, and afraid of sex in general, so I guess that didn't help, but if I do have anything to come out about surely I'd have done so in college? Maybe I'm just straight and confused and realized that then but not so much now?

(I know why I didn't do it after college, I became religious and had screwed-up thinking.)

I know it seems strange that I don't remember my feelings in college better but it was twenty years ago. I'd blame drugs but I was afraid of that too.

 

Sepulse, yeah, that's really most of it. I still feel like that and it's frustrating.

nonie good luck to you. My child is trans and I know it's really difficult. I wish you happiness and safety.

Believe it or not I try not to dwell on the past too much. I mean I'm still glad I married my husband and had my kid even if there is some of that time I'm not at all proud of for various reasons. (Mostly reasons unrelated to my orientation though.) So it's not so much that I'm looking wistfully at a future I could have had if I came out in college (who knows, things still could have gone much worse in any number of ways) as I'm trying to figure out why I'm still confused about this nearly thirty years down the line. I guess I just wish the confusion would stop.

 

Tightrope it's interesting that you say that because I feel that these feelings or thoughts that I'm not straight and should do something about it get stronger when I'm in a good place and feeling relatively good about myself (which didn't happen often until lately.) And right now I'm self-reliant for basically the first time in my life.

But I am definitely afraid of being wrong. I'm not so much afraid of being wrong that I was straight, because I always suspected I wasn't straight and anyway that's in the past, but I'm afraid of being wrong now. I guess part of it is that I don't feel I'll know for sure unless I have a relationship with a woman, but on the other hand I can't really seek a relationship without knowing where I'm at first. (Maybe a hookup, and sometimes that's tempting, but I'm a little too old for that kind of thing anyway...) But since I'm not going to become magically certain at this point, I guess I'm going to have to take some chances.

 

As far as coming out to people in general, I'm in a really good position. My friends, who are all online, would accept it. There's legal protection here for being fired due to orientation. (I wouldn't count on that necessarily, as people can and will find ways around that and sometimes in the end the legal protection doesn't help, but as far as I can tell neither my boss nor his boss are homophobic.)

It's more that I don't want to come out and then say "Oh, haha, not really, false alarm, just go back to whatever you were doing..." Which I kind of silly, because if I came out as bi I wouldn't be eliminating any possibilities, and anyway people probably don't care that much what I identify as.

(I'm not saying I should or will go around telling everyone, especially not right now, but overall I'm in a good position.)

I'm loaded with angst and stress. I'm kind of always loaded with angst and stress actually.

I'm not necessarily looking for a life-changing commitment now, though I am really not the NSA type for better or for worse. (Though right now I feel like if I had a good chance I'd just take it, frankly.) But yeah, I totally understand what you mean about that happening when you're not looking for it. It's more that I'm upset that I can't see a relationship happening for me ever, than just that I'm not in one right now.

And I'm sorry if I'm posting too much. I didn't mean to do that. I don't want people thinking I'm demanding attention. Being in online forums can be hard for me because I'm not sure sometimes when people are still reading something I already posted and whether I can change the subject.

I really appreciate your help and advice though. It's good being here where other people are going through the same kind of thing.

 

I only have a few friends and they're all online and very understanding people, and actually already know I'm struggling with this. My main fear about being wrong... well, I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with someone and realize I didn't want to be with a woman that way and end up hurting them. And I don't want to look stupid. Which is a weird thing to say because it's not like people are going to say I'm stupid if I come out and then end up with a man or whatever, I wouldn't be the first. But yeah, somehow the idea that I'm wrong really haunts me.

I think part of it is that I think of being gay as a good thing. I don't mean that homophobia and society's attitudes don't scare me, but I think of being gay in and of itself as good, and I have a really horrible time allowing myself anything good.

Also if I'm anything I'm presumably bi and I'm having a hard time dealing with that idea. I mean I feel like I've also been "stuffing things down" but I was with a man I loved so why would it matter whether I liked women too? I'm not saying that's why we divorced because it isn't, but it was part of what made me feel bad in the marriage.

I can totally understand what you're saying about being alone and in fact was talking about that in another thread. I was in an on-and-off online relationship with a man for quite a while, but other than that I haven't had any kind of relationship since the divorce which was over ten years ago. And though I try not to be constantly searching for a partner, the idea of being alone for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me.

I'm glad you've been able to make progress. I think there are reasons that I didn't come out in college, including simple confusion. But at heart I think some of it is that I'm afraid of being bisexual.

Thank you so much for your comments and support. It's really helpful being here.

 

Yes, I'm out to my friends as questioning and in fact they may be a tad sick of hearing about it at this point, which is why I'm glad I found this forum where people can only read when they feel like it.

I even had a few coffee dates with women, but I would sit there scared thinking that I wasn't attracted to them and I had done the wrong thing.

I also went to several groups at the Gay and Lesbian center but the last time I got really scared and told myself I had HOCD (which I don't) and was straight and I needed to just remember that and not embarrass myself going there again. Yet here I am again questioning myself.

Unfortunately I really don't think I'm going to get much clarity in the near future if I hadn't gotten it yet. I don't think I'm the hookup type but I'm fine with dating without major commitments if it's something I can do.

I see what you mean about breakups... I don't know if it would matter to me what the reason was but what if it mattered to her?

Being straight is good but me being straight isn't good because I've been questioning for so long and if it turns out it was for no reason I'm just going to feel horrible. Also I wouldn't get to go out with women. (Yeah, I know, saying something like that seems to solve the whole problem but there's still the voice in my head telling me I'm straight and I don't really want that.)

I think I've internalized a lot of the biphobia I've seen around, that bisexuals just can't make up their minds and no one wants to date them etc. Also, and I just kind of figured that out in another thread, I used to be in a religion which disapproved very strongly of homosexuality. Though some people in the religion said that being gay was OK because people can't help being gay but being bisexual is not OK because you have a choice and could choose the opposite sex. Don't get me wrong, I actually think that's really mean and stupid but there's a part of me that believes it. Religious guilt is such a huge thing with me that I don't always even think about it consciously. I feel guilt over the whole idea but even more guilt about bisexuality.

 

Well I'm definitely going to tell people that I know I want to date women but I've never been in an actual relationship with a woman. Which is true, and will probably scare everybody off, but I'm not going to fake being something I'm not.

It's a little tough for me because I don't even interact much with people outside of work, and even at work sometimes I don't. So my only way to get dates is online. At least it's easier to be up front about things online.

I thought of going back to the Gay and Lesbian Center but I feel like crying just thinking about it so clearly I have issues I need to deal with.

I agree that I definitely have internalized biphobia, and actually homophobia too -- I feel like it's less sinful for me to be single if my other choice is dating women. But my former religious beliefs are a really long story and haunt me in a lot of other ways too.

It's just really, really frustrating that I'm 47 and I've been divorced for ten years and I still haven't figured it out! It's ridiculous. I know I should really just say I'm straight and deal with it that way, but for some reason I don't want to do that either.

I'm sorry if anything I've said sounds offensive. I'm just talking about the messages that get into my head, not about what I really consciously believe.