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Is there a feeling that comes with affection? I'm confused.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ConfusedGuy4321, Dec 31, 2014.

  1. ConfusedGuy4321

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    I'm a seventeen year old straight male who's in a relationship of which I am content with. Don't get me wrong, I've had doubts, however I feel they've somewhat been 'solved' in that brain of mine.

    What I wanted to seek help for is how affection works. I have never been in a proper relationship before (I do not count those I were in when I was in my early teens) and only recently have committed to a relationship with a girl of whom I like.....and I say 'like' because I don't feel any 'love' yet (but it's mutual...so to speak, and we've only been together a month or so). However, I have funny (non-literal) ways of showing affection to her, and the fact I'm so unaffectionate worries me because I don't want to loose her.

    I've only ever made out with somebody once, a girl, when I was about eleven. I didn't exactly enjoy it because it was forced, and the whole reason it happened was so I could prove to her friends that I wasn't frigid. When I make out with my girlfriend now, I don't really feel anything significantly attractive; don't get me wrong I love her as a person and what she has to offer me, but because I'm not used to it and the only experience I've had wasn't legitimately passionate, nor natural, I feel like I'm lacking in something and I don't know quite what.

    I am a virgin in all aspects, she is (to an extent) also; but has had oral and such (both given and received). I have some pretty bad anxiety issues that lead to certain things not happening in our relationship, such as sex and all. She has a thing for kissing my face, but I don't like it. I don't like how I look and because it's my biggest personal flaw, I often wonder whether thats why I don't particularly find it attractive...although it does send tingles down my spine. I enjoy kissing her, but in a non-make out way...to me it seems more real and means more to me than the tongue-down-throat and stop-to-breathe kind of kiss.

    You see it in movies, how the dramatic over-sexualised kiss leads to intercourse and such, but with me I don't feel anything significant. It's a different story when I'm laid with her and playing around with her boobs or stroking her waist, because that gets me hard...but with kissing? It's different.

    I just wondered whether something might be wrong with me. Is it normal for a first time relationship? Is it because it's 'all new' to me, that it's going to have to grow on me? She knows about my anxiety and BDD, but it just feels like she's trying to push me into a zone whereby I'm not comfortable with things like that...just yet. She told me that if we continue how I am now, she couldn't see herself with me by the end of next month...was she joking? Things like this stick in my head, and now I'm worried that I'm slacking with her and that she'll get bored of me and find somebody better. Why? Why don't I feel any significant attraction when we make out? She says when she does that it means she wants sex, but if it doesn't get me horny how is that supposed to work on my behalf?

    There as so many aspects to a relationship that I can't quite comprehend. I also thought that I would never meet anyone and that I would die alone (or young)...especially where I went through a serious phase of depression. I'm scared to have to have sex, oral, show her my body and my parts that I've kept to myself for so long now...I never thought I'd have to do that....with anyone.

    I know this is supposed to be about orientation, but I have witnessed some threads about affection here in the past...I hope you don't mind.

    I'm really worried. Please help. I'm sorry for all the questions.
     
  2. ConfusedGuy4321

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  3. AKTodd

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    Hmm. Ok, let's see here...

    It's hard to really describe affection because it's such a subjective thing. It's kind of like asking someone to provide a detailed explanation for why they like a certain food or something.

    That said, it's generally sort of assumed that you would be feeling something for your girlfriend and that would be affection. I'm assuming you feel something for her, at least friendship, yes? Romantic affection would include that feeling of friendship but also go beyond it and/or be more intense.

    As far as why you're not feeling much with your girlfriend...

    You mention having anxiety and BDD issues - so my first thought is that those are playing a role here, along with feeling forced (you mention that your first time making out with someone was forced and in a sense your girlfriend also sounds like she is forcing the issue), which has negative connotations in your mind (understandably). Also, if you don't like your appearance, or otherwise have self-esteem issues, that could be working against you're wanting to have sex. One thing I would point out here is that your girlfriend presumably likes your appearance even if you don't. So is it possible this is more of a self-esteem or depression issue than a matter of how you actually look?

    The second thing that comes to mind is to wonder if you might be asexual. I will be the first to admit that I'm not really familiar with that particular orientation and so I'm kind whistling in the dark here and hoping someone who knows more on this topic will speak up about it with their thoughts. In a nutshell, you don't seem all that into the idea of sex on general principles and (as I understand it) that's a normal state of affairs for some people. Are you generally just not interested in sex or just not with another person (so you enjoy masturbation but aren't into the idea of sex with another person)? Or something else?

    It's not really right that she should be giving you ultimatums in the relationship (those almost never end well), but at the same time, physical intimacy is a part of most relationships and apparently something she's engaged in before. Do you have a sort of idea of when you would like to be intimate with her such that you could discuss it with her and work toward that point? Or is it more of a situation that, given the choice, you'd really rather not have sex with anyone? You do sort of seem to talk about it as more of a chore to be performed than something you think you'd enjoy.

    Anyway, my 2c worth. Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  4. ConfusedGuy4321

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    Thanks for the reply.

    It's not like I have zero attraction to her, because I do. I do want to have sex with her, but I say to myself "I'm ready" but when the time comes I get nervous and don't, and then worry about getting hard and stuff when you're under all that pressure. I always told myself that if I lost weight and saw a therapist, I would get better - but I feel like I'm boring her and I worry she will run off. I do want it, I just don't feel any real connection yet (or enough so that I am 100% confident that I want it with her)
     
  5. AKTodd

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    Well, ultimately you need to be true to yourself and your feelings about when you're ready or not. And this girl needs to wait for you to be ready or (to be honest) she's not worth your time. At the end of the day, there are 7 billion people on this planet. Even if things don't work out with this person, just the fact that you got into a relationship with her proves that you have the capacity to get into a relationship with someone else, if it comes down to it.

    As far as worrying about getting hard and performing and stuff - It's normal to be nervous about your first time or performance in general. But if you let those worries consume you, then you're basically shooting yourself in the foot and making it more likely that you'll have a performance problem. Again, going into sex in a situation where you aren't feeling pressured to perform, where your're just sort of letting go and going with the flow...is going to work out so much better for you than trying to meet an ultimatum or as a result of your fear of losing someone (which is kind of the same thing).

    As far as losing weight and seeing a therapist - is this something you are still looking to do or are you already doing these things and are currently 'a work in progress'? If it's the former, then the new year is a traditional time to kick off new phases in your life. If it's the latter, then your girlfriend needs to be understanding of your feelings and give you time to progress to the point where you feel comfortable being intimate with her. If she's not willing to do that...then see above re my statements about whether or not she's worth your time.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd