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7 years of unsureness

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jaymmm, Dec 31, 2014.

  1. Jaymmm

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    Hello,

    i´d like to ask you about your opinion. I am a woman in my mid 20´s. My problem is that I feel 99 percently straight in terms of physical orientation. Since I was little girl i had crushes on boys, i like how boys/men look in magazines, in the streets, my acquintances etc. When i see a couple of a man and a woman in the street I notice only a guy. Im physically attracted to them and not to women at all. However, I´ve never been successfull with guys. I am a little bit tomboyish, so no guy ever wanted me as a girlfriend. So at the age of 19, I started to feel weird because of that and I felt lonely.

    My attraction to men never fade away, it´s still present in my daily life. So maybe cos of my unsuccessfullness I developped unsureness in my mind. Then- when I was 19 i had crush on a gay female artist I saw on TV, i know it´s crazy but i checked her fanpage everyday, watched interviews with her repeatedly etc. I lasted 5 years! During that time I was still physically attracted to men in real life but i stopped to be in love with them completely. After those 5 years I had three huge crushes on gay women I met somewhere and knew they were gay before I fell for them (maybe I made it up and those were not real crushes???). I saw them few times, none of them knew about my affection, i googled/fb them to know whats new in their lifes, i was thinking about them all the time, I was nervous/very shy around them, I wanted to be with them, maybe live with them, however i wasnt attracted to them physically so much- almost every average guy is more attractive to me than them!

    So, I am physically straight, mentally gay, it lasts long time. Sure, Im deppressed and few times I was thinking about suicide...however I want to live and be happy.
    I feel Im not now able to fall for guy (however Im very much attracted to them) and I cant join lesbian community because i dont fancy girls but boys!
    May I ask you for your opinion/advice or any though...??? sorry for long post... thanks so much
     
  2. ellyy

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    You said you feel like you can't fall for a guy, but why? To me it sounds like you haven't given them much of a chance and that you're repressing your feelings for them because you feel unwanted. I'm not 100% sure if you can be physically straight and mentally gay, even if you experience it that way since you may have emotional/mental blocks.
    Also, you being depressed can affect your sexuality (temporarily, of course) a lot. I'm depressed myself and it even got to a point where I thought I was asexual for a little while.
    You could be bisexual and could have been this whole time. Maybe you just discovered it when you stopped focusing on guys so much.
     
  3. Jaymmm

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    I cant fall for guy because its not that kind of that amazing feeling around them, its not exciting any more and i dunno why. I feel being slightly asexual for many many years, i see boys- the´re cute but thats all, maybe only in some special cases im attracted that way... days after all my three crushes on women started i had fantasies about them. Maybe its some sort of mental illness :-(
     
  4. ellyy

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    By amazing feeling do you mean sexual or romantic feelings? Just because you haven't fallen in love with a guy doesn't mean you can't. I know straight girls who have had many guys like them but they never liked them back because they didn't have any romantic attraction towards them. They're still straight though and can still fall in love with guys. And again, you said you were depressed. How severe is your depression? Because I think that can have much to do with your confusion.
     
  5. Jaymmm

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    not only romantic, i think in some way even sexual but its caused by her way of thinking- it absolutely possessed me...i could think about anything else
     
  6. ellyy

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    Do you feel like you're sexually attracted to guys but not romantically and that it is the other way around when it comes to women?
    But again with the depression topic... don't you agree that it can make you confused about your sexual and romantic feelings for others?
     
  7. Jaymmm

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    on romantic, sexual attraction- its exactly as you said

    i am not sure whether my emotions triggered depression or depression triggered my emotions, im in therapy but i think it´d be me who has to find a way..., i just know my emotional and sexual orientation go against each other and its not easy to deal with it
     
  8. ellyy

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    Okay, and you also said that this started happening after you had been rejected by guys, right? Then it probably has to do with that. Especially if you didn't have this issue in the past. Once you get more clarity on your true feelings you will probably find that your sexual and romantic feelings match up more since I'm not completely sold on the idea that one's sexual and romantic orientations can be completely different. But that's just my opinion.

    What emotions are you talking about? Because depression can feel like an emotion. Or do you mean attraction? Depression can decrease a persons sex drive and desire to connect with people emotionally/romantically and that can lead to a whole lot of confusion regarding a persons sexuality.
     
  9. Jaymmm

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    that "emotion=attraction" happened to me i think once before when i was 12 i admired one 15 years older woman- just admired- i wasnt attracted physically to her at all (maybe at that time i felt already rejected by boys, other girl were successul in getting their attention), its not that one special guy would reject me, guys have never noticed me at all as im a little bit tomboyish and cant get rid of that (and maybe dont want- ifeel comfortable that way), right now i had enormous crush on that 3rd woman, id like to be with her, she doesnt know about my feelings, she has somebody else and ill never see her again, that frustrating to know you have to forget someone, it lasts since October, i cant stop thinking about her, wanna be with her desperately and know that i just hurt myself, i must be rational and it´d take more and more time...
     
  10. ellyy

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    You just admired her. Admiration does not equal attraction. I think that you are attracted to guys still but you're just pushing it away. Since you have had strong feelings for women too it sound to me like you are bisexual.
    About that "3rd woman", do you have any sexual feelings for her?
    I'm sorry I can't give you much advice on how to get over someone since I've never been in that situation myself.
     
  11. Jaymmm

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    i had sexual feelings for her several days after i realized i like her, then it went away and after month it came back to me, it wasnt easy; im just wondering how its possible to miss somebody so much more than any man in my life and still be straight, maybe i just need some acceptance no matter from whom...but only women have that special way of thinking if u know what i mean
     
  12. fappiness

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    I really agree with this, depression can affect your sex drive and emotional wellbeing to the point where you're not interested in anyone, and that can lead you to feeling like you're not sure what you want.
    It sounds to me like you possibly haven't had the experience to know your sexuality truly yet. The next time you fall for someone you know, maybe try to make it work. See what makes you feel good and go with the flow. Don't be afraid of who you are, even if you don't know yet :slight_smile:
     
  13. Jaymmm

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    it can take time, i fell for someone once a 10 years, but thanks

    ---------- Post added 2nd Jan 2015 at 06:04 AM ----------

    the worst thing is i dont have desire to talk to guys (just as friends but not "that special way")
     
  14. ellyy

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    Do you have no desire in general or are you talking about specific people you don't want to talk to like that?
     
  15. Jaymmm

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    it´s general, i like how guys look but maybe i see all of them as bad guys (to simplify it- maybe cos they dont want me?), thus i dont want them either, on the other hand those rare feelings for special women are strong- i meet them accidentally in some social situation twice, thrice then i dont have the opportunity to see them again (not my friends) and then think about them 24/7 for several months- maybe i idealize them, even going to places where i can meet them (even if theoretically) excites me and make me happy and make that moment happier than i normally am...
     
  16. ellyy

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    Yes, I told you, you are most likely pushing away your feelings for guys and I don't think you are a lesbian. It's also not true that there is no guy who wants you and I think you should work a bit on your confidence and also be honest with yourself and what you truly feel. Don't you agree that this might be the case?
     
  17. Jaymmm

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    maybe you´re right; how a human brain can be confusing; those moments of feelings for women were the happiest moments so far, so its hard to say it wasnt true but its the only way how to go on... i have never fallen for a man the way i´ve fallen for few women- maybe i wont be even able to forget them for many many years but the only way how to get over is start to realize it was just a long deception which my brain did to me... such a weird thing- when you´ve such strong feelings for someone to actually realize it was a lie, my next task will be to deal with this issue
     
  18. ellyy

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    It might be a "lie" or you are bisexual (or pan or whatever...) :slight_smile: but either way I think you still have attraction towards men. Also, I've heard from some bisexuals that their feelings for men and women can be quite different, so if that's true it might be the case for you, but just might, since I don't want to add any more confusion.
     
    #18 ellyy, Jan 6, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2015
  19. Jaymmm

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    today for example i saw very handsome guy, his smile was amazing, i even felt like i´d be maybe able to overcome my deep and many years lasting disgust of sex (i didnt have opportunity to speak with him), problem is when i think about men-they´re cute, i´d be happy (maybe safe) with the right one but when i think about those few special women- i sat down and couldnt do anything but smile as an idiot, i imagine (involuntarily) every day that i enter the room when i met her and speak to her, when i see the news on net i think what i´d tell her about it, i speak to her in my mind every day (involuntarily but its a good feeling and the way how to feel better), when i go to place when she might (even if very improbably) be im nervous and want to meet her and dont want to meet her at the same time, i met her many months ago and google her all the time, she forgot she even met me and i cant imagine i´ll never meet her again ...
    I´d have just two more questions for you, answers would be great:slight_smile:
    1) do you think it can happen to straight women normally when they just wanna be friend with someone?
    2) If a straight woman is lonely and is dissappointed by men, do u think she´d still dream about "a perfect guy" or she could even deep down inside be emotionally indifferent to them (when in bar, i like how they look but not excited about their presence so much)
     
  20. ellyy

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    1) What you feel/have felt for some women seem to go much deeper than friendship (although I may be wrong). If that's the case then you're not straight because no, such things could not happen to straight women.

    2) It could go either way depending on the individual. However if rejection from guys make you feel ashamed of yourself you may be more prone to repress your feelings for them but I think someone who is not as affected by it would be less likely to push those feelings away and still dream of that "perfect guy." But again, it probably depends on the individual.
     
    #20 ellyy, Jan 8, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2015