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Lost in my mind

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by myownaccord, Jan 2, 2015.

  1. myownaccord

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2015
    Messages:
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    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    It's a new year and it may be time for me to seriously seek advice.

    After reading many of the posts here on this site, I can see that I'm not as alone as I've felt these last few years.

    I've always considered myself straight. I've hooked up with my fair share of women but never felt a strong connection. I never considered myself gay, aside from some topical attraction to guys with 6 packs. I lost my virginity to a girl at age 20 after being sick of waiting for "the one".

    But in my junior year of college, around my 21st birthday, I took the risk of meeting up with a guy. I've been doing this for 3 years now, trying to find someone on the same page as me. I can't remember the last time I watched straight porn. I am so easily aroused by guys whereas I would sometimes have trouble staying hard with girls. By now you believe I am gay. I'm not so sure. Denial could be the reality.

    And yet I am still attracted to girls. I found one I thought was the love of my life only to be disappointed later.

    I find myself trapped in a competition of realities. I always wanted to be married, with kids and the house and all that. Still do. I am the youngest of 3 boys and at this point the last chance for my older parents to have grandkids. My parents by the way, are staunch conservatives although not religious. I know that they would be supportive but oh so disappointed if I came out. Exactly none of my friends know. This is the only secret I've ever been able to keep.

    I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up the straight life that I seek and the future I could have for mere sexual attraction, but I don't see any way around it.

    I don't want people to know. Family, friends. I've never had a serious girlfriend so I don't think they would be surprised. But I don't want anything to change. I don't want my roommates to think differently. To stop making jokes that an open gay man may find offensive. But I also want to live my life. I want to have guys over, no questions asked.

    I'm living in torture. A lot of it self induced. Cognitive dissonance in its most quintessential form. I've considered suicide but I know that's not going to cause anything but grief. I've lost friends and I know the pain that brings to others.

    Options seem slim. I am just so thoroughly depressed. I feel like my life is a sick joke. Mainly here because I just don't have anyone to talk to, that can understand where I am coming from. I feel just so conflicted in so many ways.

    My parents had a happy marriage and I'd say I had a happy upbringing. I want a family, gay or straight. But I also recognize the need for children to have the classic Mom and Dad role models. I know I would subject my kids to torment by their peers if I was to have a domestic partner.

    I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on the image of a perfect life but I fear this image is all a distant dream, as forgotten and irrelevant when the lights of reality shine.

    Any advice would be appreciated since this ramble is a mess
     
  2. Spartan 117

    Admin Team Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2014
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    Location:
    Isle of Wight, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time in your life. It's easy to be disappointed when life doesn't match up to your expectations - but you can achieve happiness, and you deserve to be happy. :slight_smile: I know it's easier said then done but you are not responsible for your family's hopes and dreams, and it's important to do what's right for you in your own life.

    I actually think from what you've said, that you are attracted to men and women, that you might consider that you are bisexual or somewhere along the spectrum between gay and straight? This is perfectly normal too, you don't necessarily have to be one or the other. Labels are not actually that important, I believe in following your heart toward whatever and whoever makes you happy. :slight_smile:

    I'm not sure where you come from in the world, perhaps you come from a country where gay people aren't treated well, but you are making a lot of assumptions about how your life would be terrible if you were to have a male partner. Kids grow up quite happily with same sex parents, and there really no need for your family and friends to treat you differently.

    You're putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself, and I think your first step is to actually be kinder to yourself. If you take your imagined perfect life and the pressure from your family, put it to one side - what would really make you happy? Sometimes, life takes us to different places than we imagined at first, but that doesn't mean it's hopeless or not worth pursuing.

    As you said in your post, you are absolutely not alone in how you feel and ultimately you will be okay- whatever you decide is right for you. :slight_smile: