What's my Orientation?

I have a few questions and a few thoughts.

1. Have you talked directly to your parents about what you are going through in terms of questioning your sexual orientation? If so, what was their response to you doing this, and what did they suggest you do?

2. You say that you cannot be homosexual, that you can only be bisexual or heterosexual. Why?

You are what you are. No one can tell you your sexual orientation, this is a personal journey that you must discover yourself. Your sexual orientation is not something you have control over, and it is not something you can change. However, the culture and society you are born into can influence how you feel about it. Fighting against your sexual orientation is always a losing battle, because you are fighting against nature and yourself. It will leave you exhausted, unhappy, and... well... look at yourself. That is what the struggle looks like, and it can get worse.

Whatever the truth for you is--there is nothing you can do to change it. The best advice that you can receive here is to stop struggling so much. Stop saying that you 'have to' be this or you 'have to' be that. If you want the answer to your question, you need to give yourself the opportunity to feel what you feel without judgement. You need to stop questioning your feelings so much, and simply allow yourself to feel them. When you can do this, the answer that you seek will start to become clear to you.

 

You can have previous attractions to the opposite gender and be gay, I think. Especially if you were a kid at the time. I basically identify as gay (with occasional attractions otherwise, but I see myself being with a girl so gay it is), but my first crushes I remember having were on guys. I didn't have a crush on a girl until I was in middle school, so maybe eleven ro twelve years old? My first "relationship" was with a guy, too, but I'm still gay. It doesn't mean that you necessarily are too, but you shouldn't push away that option.

 

No, it's okay. For a long time, I did identify as bisexual because of that reason.

But the thing is, being straight is basically the compulsory orientation to be, right? Since everyone in my small immediate family is straight, I never really thought to question my orientation as a kid. How can you question something that you think is the only way you can be? Also, all of those crushes I had on guys were before I even thought about being sexually active- one was when I was four- so they weren't all that sexual in nature.

If we want to get really nuanced, I do identify as homoflexible, which is mainly gay with incidental attractions to other genders (as you said); but if we're talking on the straight-bi-gay spectrum that's all that some people are aware of, I identify as gay more than I do bisexual. My point was that the bottom line is that you identify with what you're most comfortable with, even despite prior attractions- which for me, personally, is now gay.

There are plenty of gay people who dated or had crushes on people of the opposite gender before questioning their orientation or coming out. It's not like someone just hands you a golden ticket one day saying "Congrats, you're gay!" In a heteronormative world, there's a lot of questioning that many people go through before they figure out their orientation.

You said that you feel "predominantly or exclusively gay" now, right? Do you still experience any attraction to women now, or just guys?

 

You still did not really answer my questions. You talk about how your mother is concerned about your studies at school and such, let us set that aside, because it is not relevant to your sexual orientation.

What did your father tell you, in way of advice, about the questioning of your sexual orientation? You said he is understanding, but you are not telling me what he told you. The same as your mother, you are telling me what she said about school, but you are not telling me what she told you about your sexual orientation.

Similarly, you did not answer the question as to WHY you can only be heterosexual or bisexual in your mind.

Do not avoid these questions, because they are important for you to answer honestly.

As well, you are still seeking an answer as to what your sexual orientation is from other people. As I told you, only you can tell other people your sexual orientation. This is your personal journey, and someone else cannot tell you about your sexual orientation. People can share their own personal stories with you, but that will be of little help to you, unless you are prepared to give yourself permission to feel what you feel without judging or questioning it. That is the only way to get the honest answer to your question.

 

It is good, then, that your parents are more comfortable with the possibility than you. It is also good that they are understanding. I wanted to make sure that they were not giving you negative information, or causing you harm regarding your situation. Now, that we know where they stand, we can set them aside, and focus on you exclusively.

You do not sound like an idiot, because virtually every gay person started out in a similar position, and has felt similar feelings. However, as you know however you might feel about your sexual orientation is not relevant. Whether you hate it, or whether you think it is the best thing since the invention of cake and pie--it will change nothing.

This leaves you with the question you started with: "What is my sexual orientation?" As I have told you, that is a question that only you can answer for yourself. No one has the ability to crawl into your head, to know your deepest feelings, and sort them out for you. You have to do that on your own. Right now, ironically, you are thinking about the issue too much. You are obsessing over it. This is not helpful or useful to you.

Here is my recommendation, and I know it might seem silly. However, I encourage you to do it. Write a short letter to yourself, and you share it here if you'd like. In that letter give yourself permission--just for one week--to feel what you want without questioning it. Do not label your feelings. Just allow yourself to feel them, acknowledge them, and move on to something else. Do not judge them. Do not question them. Do not overly dwell on them. If you catch yourself doing this, remind yourself of the letter, and come back here to share any struggles that you might face along the way.

Once you reach the end of one week, we will evaluate what happened together, and we will determine what to do next. We will see if we learned anything useful. We will then take what we learned and determine what the next course of action should be.

Oh, and one more thing. Stop telling yourself what you should or have to be--you are what you are, and you are where you are right now. Once you have found a way to remove the constant judgement, fear, and questioning from your view of the question--and you have your answer--then you can deal with any consequences, should it be necessary.