I just wrote this big long thing and it weirdly got erased, so here's a shortened version. Don't know if I'm double posting. I'm a girl in high school who's never had sex or been in a relationship. When I was little, I used to talk to people about marrying a guy, etcetera, but it was always just the thing you do. I never felt attracted to anyone and I was always a bit reluctant when I fantasized about my future marriage (always marriage, never kissing or sex-but then again, I was very young.) Getting older, I've felt the same, but then last year I started having these huge celebrity crushes on women. I'd stare at pictures for hours, but I've always attributed that to admiration. I remember around 11 years old just sitting on the staircase wishing so hard that I was a boy so I could marry this older girl at my school I was obsessed with. Lately, there's a girl in my music class I stare at, like I'm drawn to her, but I don't know why. It might be a crush. I just don't know. When I imagine my future, having sex with a girl seems a little bit weird, but so does having sex with a boy. Hot guys i can only look at objectively, like "Oh, he's very in shape" and I don't really "feel" anything. When I watch a movie with attractive leads I always imagine having a crush on the girl, although I never know why. I'm obsessed with gay celebrities, gay stories, and when a friend came out to me this year I felt jealous, though I didn't know why. I'm lately more comfortable in boyish clothes, like blazers and loose pants, but I still feel very female, that's not an issue for me. I know everyone would be accepting if I came out, but I just don't feel like I'm 100% gay. And I don't know how to find out. I want to be totally gay and totally okay with it, but I can't be. I'm obsessed with the issue and I don't know how to find out. I get that nothign I do will change the eventual answer, I just want to know so I can move on. It makes me sad to think about it and yet I can never stop, because I don't know what I should be feeling and whether or not I'm feeling it so everything gets overwhelming. I don't quite know what I'm looking for. Just advice on accepting a non-answer, I guess. Thanks so much, love
It didn't get erased, your first post probably just took some time to appear because someone reviewed it before it was made public. It was one of your first posts, and this is to make sure its ok with the regs . Here is your first post : http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/164206-im-confused.html (*hug*)
