Hello, I guess I should introduce my self. I'm Amber, 18 year old female and I've been confused about my sexual orientation my entire life. After years of worrying whether I was gay or straight throughout early high school I decided to give up on truly knowing. So I settled on Bisexual. But it never felt right as a label for me. I would tell myself that if I tried both genders I would know and everything would work out. Firstly I was in relationships with girls, I always enjoyed the physical parts, but i never loved them. I never felt a connection other than sexual. In kissing I was intrigued but the words of affection always felt like a lie. When we would go farther physically i was more than happy to. It was all so exciting and new and passionate and in that way I was always fulfilled. But going farther emotionally I had no interest. It wasn't real for me, dates felt boring, talking to them was nice, in a friend way, but never riveting. I never stayed up thinking about them.. Being straight was easier than being gay anyways, thinking that this is just was "normal" straight girls felt about girls helped me shove down any doubts, and definitely helped me tell myself that the only reason I enjoyed it was because any physical contact feels good and that I was clearly straight. So, I decided to try boys. Conversely I always had a soft spot for boys. I was good friends with them all my life. Always having more male friends than female. And occasionally I would get intense crushes on a boy I thought was cute in class or one I had formed a tight bond with. Like nothing that was even close with girls. I felt like guys understood me and I them. A few I would even say I loved, deeply. And while I was extremely phyisically attracted to them walking by or talking to me. When we kissed it always fell....flat. And going farther I just wanted to get away, to leave the situation so it would be over as soon as possible. I thought maybe if I got used to it I wouldn't feel so nervous and enjoy myself. But it only made me more uncomfortable and awkward. Anything below the belt was so weird for me and I avoided it. I would say I had to be home, anything. But when we would hug, or cuddle or tell each other we loved one another it made up for it for a brief moment. I felt safe, and excited, in love. But anything physical made me bored, uncomfortable and counting the seconds until It could be over. While 14 year old me thought trying both would make it easier, things have only gotten harder for me. While heteroromantic homosexual is how I would describe it, even I am not truly sure. I feel like with any relationship I have to force myself into some aspect of it. Trying to fall in love, or trying to enjoy physical contact. I don't want to be alone, I'm a very outgoing social person. But I don't know how to make anything feel right for me. It's never just naturally happened. If anyone feels like me. Or has advice it would help me so greatly.
Heey, welcome to EC I was reading what you wrote, and I can say in some parts I felt like I was reading my own story. I know how confused you are, because few years back I was in about the same situation. I always liked guys, and I had crushes on them, it looked like a real thing until I kissed a guy. Later I found out it was just platonic feelings, they can be really strong, but I can tell it's not like that in you case. And that thing about girls, I was wondering too. For me it takes A LOT to feel like crushing on a girl... Ofcourse, you could be a heteroromantic homosexual. Have you ever had a crush on someone and felt both, physcial and romantic attraction?
My story isn't as extreme as yours but I wonder about this myself. I've never been with a woman but I get extremely excited thinking of it and fantasizing about it. But I don't find myself falling in love with women or getting crushes on them. There were a couple of occasions where I thought I might be crushing on women but mostly not. Whereas I've had crushes on men and been in love with men and loved cuddling (though I actually also loved kissing) but sex, especially intercourse, was totally "meh." In my case it wasn't so much that I wanted to get away from it but I really didn't care one way or the other and was mostly doing it to please my partner or because I hoped this time would be different. But it's possible that I'm bisexual or even straight I guess, because I feel sexual attraction toward men when I crush on them, and I can have fantasies about men, it's just that I feel little to no arousal when anything actually happens in real life. I'm not sure if I'm being helpful at all since I can't really say I have advice for you. "Romantic attraction" is something I don't really have a handle on -- it's sort of an "I know it when I feel it" thing for me, so I really couldn't give anyone else advice on it. I hope I am not heteroromantic and homosexual as I personally am a monogamous person and that would be really tough, but for me I don't think it's the case. I really wish I could tell you something helpful. I hate to put it this way but maybe you haven't met the right woman yet? I wouldn't tell someone sexual attraction comes with meeting the right person but romantic attraction, maybe it does.
Every time I look at a girl I appreciate her beauty and personality since it's never her body parts that does it for me. They turn me on a bit, but when I crush on a girl, I wlays think about her eyes or hair and voice especially. I've never felt anything sexual and since I'm so shy I will talk to a girl and compliment her. I never pursue a relationship because I'm afraid I might not perform well. That's depressing. I wish I could have a relationship with a girl and I'm currently confused about 4. I love all of them, but I'm forced to being "just friends". Flirting is so common with them. Well, as for guys except for one person in particular who I've had a huge crush on, it's only sexual and then emotional. I'll be nervous, but I've had sex with guys and usually never care about a relationship. It's truly isolating and perplexing when we feel this because love is portrayed as amazing and it involves two people. Love requires both intimacy and sex(maybe not so much), but I feel parts of that with both sexes.
It's funny because that's what I thought when I skyped with an older guy near my area. I was so compelled to meet up with this man because my porn usage kept increasing, and I needed more. It's odd because when it comes to porn I want more and I could even see myself in the act (imagining that I'm that guy, for example). But when I participated in real life, I thought "Oh God, what I'm I doing? I'm fapping with a guy that's as old as my dad! O_O" On top of that it was hard to maintain an erection... so even if I could have sex with him I could never love him as a partner.
I guess it would be like this:- Gay relationships--> I assume it would be the same as having a relationship with an Aromantic person Straight relationships--> Like being in a relationship with an Asexual person Neither one of these are hard to imagine, I guess I dunno if I described that right or not, but I hope it helped.
Just my opinion, but I would tell others you're bisexual for simplicity's sake (even if you're not 100% comfortable with the label) and advise you to try to be open to relationships with either males or females. It sounds like romantically you're inclined to guys and sexually you're inclined to females, but I would be shocked if those were completely exclusive. It honestly sounds like you haven't met the right person yet. I like to believe that we will all find certain people who fufill both our romantic and sexual desires at the same time. I would guess that the person who fulfills both for you is probably female. I think it's harder to fake sexual attraction/ enjoyment than it is to develop romantic feelings for close friends.
