Hi all, Before I describe my current situation, I will provide a brief background. I identify as straight, but I am attracted to guys. I do not like the idea of bisexuality; I am an all-or-nothing kind of guy. I have an on-and-off relationship at school with a girl I am very fond of. However, I have been attracted to guys for some time now. It first started in middle school and persisted through high school and now into college. I dated a girl for most of high school, but I was still attracted to guys at that time. During this time, I even confessed feelings for a male classmate of mine; thankfully, word never reached my girlfriend. Sidenote: if anyone is in a similar situation, I would not recommend confessing such feelings; it only made for an immensely awkward situation with this guy and didn't help satiate my feelings. Since then, I have had feelings for various guys. For the last 3 or 4 months now, I have developed strong feelings for a classmate of mine who lives in the same dorm building. I find him quite attractive, and he is also kind of shy and nerdy (similar to myself) which I also find attractive. I often fantasize about him. Here's the catch though: I barely know him. I see him in passing occasionally, but we have only talked on two occasions, totaling about 5 minutes. I think I saw him staring at me one time, but it was kind of hard to tell, so this might just be wishful thinking. This makes me doubt that these are genuine feelings for him. To me, it just seems very lustful, for I feel as if I'm falling in love with him, but I barely know him. In terms of the aforementioned attractions, since I have only talked to him on a couple of occasions, I think my attraction must be based more on his physical attractiveness than his personality. If I barely know him, then what are these feelings based on? My answer is lust, but could it be something else? Additionally, and this is a big part of the situation, I have not had a male friend since 6th grade (and I'm in college now). As a result, I am immensely lonely. I have several female friends, but that's different; I obviously can't relate to them the same way as I could with a guy. I am trying very hard to make friends, and I'm hoping that will help solve this problem of confusing feelings. Are these feelings just a manifestation of my insatiable loneliness, or is there something else going on? I understand this is a difficult question to answer, but just let me know what you think. To me, it just doesn't add up that I feel so strongly for someone I hardly know, as is the case with most same-sex crushes I develop. Thanks for reading such a long and perhaps boring story! I really appreciate it!
Hmm. Well, lust is a perfectly real feeling actually. And, your orientation isn't a matter of choice or whether you like it or not. Sorry. It's possible that your feelings toward guys do manifest as physical attraction initially and, if you were to be given a chance with a guy, you might develop other, more romantic feelings for them as things progressed. There's also a type of orientation that is occasionally mentioned here: hetero-romantic homosexual. Meaning romantic feelings for women and physical attraction for men, as I understand it. I'm afraid I'm not really familiar with the details on that one, but hopefully someone else might post with more information in that area. That all said, if you are really lonely for male friendship/companionship then that very strong want might feel a lot like lust, which is usually associated with a pretty strong intensity of feeling (actually, while modern people tend to associate lust only with sex, the term can be applied to other things e.g., lusting for gold). When you have these feelings for guys, do they actually extend into wanting to have sex with them/fantasizing about sex with them? Or just that you really want to be around them, think about them intensely, would really like them to hang out with you kind of thing? At the end of the day, it sounds like you should continue working on making some male friends regardless of what your orientation is. As that happens, the lustful feelings may go away. If they don't, then you might also consider the possibility that you are not straight and see about following up on your feelings if/when you find a guy you find attractive and who could return those feelings back. Whether you want to make some guy friends first and then consider your orientation or try to do both projects at the same time (not necessarily with the same people) is largely your decision. Hope this helps, Todd
Being open minded would help in your current situation. When you are open to all possibilities, it will be easier to narrow down the ones that reflect you the best. From what you provided, it's hard to draw any form of conclusion. Looking back, did you have any past crushes? And were they guys or girls? Maybe both? Fantasizing about someone you don't know is common. As you get to know them, these fantasies may get stronger or being to weaken. In the past, I could imagine myself having sexual encounters with much older men (father figures, so to speak), but in reality, I cannot love them the same way I could love a woman. Sure, I can imagine having sex with an older man, but it's not like we'll be having sex everyday for the rest of our lives. Relationships are not solely based on sex is what I came to realize. In any case, you'll need to improve yourself before getting anyone else involved in your life, so try to get that done first.
