Been feeling like this for a while now...

This has been on my chest for a while now, but I finally want to let go of it and get other people’s opinions on the matter. Ever since I could remember I only thought about girls. I even had some relationships with them when I was younger, mostly middle school. I never had a “real” relationship with one though, nor have I ever kissed one. I did ask one out my sophomore year of college, but I got rejected pretty badly. However, it wasn’t until about 14-15 years old that I started to notice guys, primarily ones with muscle. It started in 9th grade when I noticed this one kid who was muscular, and he made me kind of excited. Nothing else really aroused me about him, except for the fact that he was muscular to a degree. It was at this point that I decided to look up gay men kissing (not actual porn though). To my surprise, I became aroused by it and it was the first thing I ever masturbated to. But after I was finished I felt guilty and identified myself as still being straight because I knew in the real world I would never try to pursue a guy. Over the course of my high school years I would sometimes fantasize about certain guys in my class who are tall and muscular, but I never felt any feelings for them. Mind you, I was never a tall or real muscular person (I’m still not), so I wonder if on a subconscious level that had something to do with it. It was more just for excitement and arousal purposes I think.

Well this chronic masturbation continued (and still happens from time to time) for 7 years…I’m 21 almost 22 now. Within the last few years though I started watching straight and lesbian stuff and became aroused by it, but not to the extent of gay erotica. Something about watching guys kissing arouses me a lot, but if I were to do that in the real world I really don’t think I could. It wasn’t until just recently that I thought to myself whether I should pursue hooking up with a guy just so I could know what it really feels like, but every time that picture comes into my head it creeps me out and I can never go through with it. Well, this back and forth volley of whether I’m straight, gay, bi, whatever distresses me from time to time. I could be sitting in a room reading a book and then the idea of possibly being gay floods my mind and it bothers me. What I’m really asking here is whether this isn’t something I should take lightly and whether or not I should try to act on my innate feelings, no matter how much they distress me. I want to be with a girl not a guy (at least that’s what I think and it’s just not society talking). I can’t really see myself with another man; especially the type of sex that comes along with it. Sorry for the long post, but any help or insight you can give me would be very much appreciated!