So first of all I'm a 24 year old closeted gay virgin :icon_bigg The thing is that I am almost exclusively attracted to much older (usually straight) men, and feel zero sexual attraction to guys my own age. I'm actually more attracted to older women than guys in my age group, weirdly enough, and my favorite kind of porn is watching mature straight couples. From what I've read, this can be because you had a bad or nonexistenet relationship with your father, and though my dad was never abusive and has always been around, we have never really had much of a relationship. Looking at my dad's relationship with his dad, it's clear they have a similar relationship, one where uncomfortable feelings/subjects is never talked about, just ignored. (My family is VERY conservative, religious, midwest, etc...) I actually used to feel sexual (not romantic) attraction to my dad growing up (I hope this isn't TMI!), and I can remember getting turned on at a very young age (3-4 years old) to him while me and my brothers and him were all taking a shower together as we often did at that age. In fact, the first thing I ever masturbated to at age 10 was the mental image of his penis. Imagining him having sex with my mom was something I masturbated to for years growing up, but I also liked to fantasize to images of my macho uncles having sex, or my friends' dads. Since then I have ALWAYS had strong sexual/romantic feeling for father type figures in my life, which was usually teachers and the like, and I would always get really shy and weird around any kind of older father figure. Like I said earlier, I sometimes am really sexually attracted (never romantically) to older women who are almost like mother figures to me, but it's not as common, and the feeling aren't as strong (big breasts on older women is really attractive to me). I want to reiterate, I have NEVER been sexually abused in any way, but I did grow up in a very conservative, religious (home schooled) family, where we never really talked about sex. Anyway, my whole life I've been hiding, and I've just felt really ashamed and confused. I was hoping that I would grow out of it as I got older, and I'd start to like guys my own age at least, but that never happened. This has made me afraid of telling people I'm gay, because I'm not like other gay guys I've met, and I'm not sexually attracted to any of them, just my straight 50 year old professor who's been married for 20 years. Ugh. Any advice is much appreciated.
Well, since no one has posted a reply on this post, I guess I'll give it a try... First-off the bat, as someone who's studied psychology, your childhood and your relationship with your parents likely has nothing to do with your preferences. In terms of you acting on them, just move to big city where there's a large gay population, and you should be able to find 'masculine' older men to have sex/a relationship with. I personally don't share your interests, and don't have any experience with this sort of stuff, but I think this solution would be the best bet for you getting what you want. Best of luck!
It's just a preference. I personally find older people to be attractive, just because. I don't have daddy issues.
Hi, and welcome. You're in the right place. With regard to your attraction to older men, and contrary to the previous poster, it is rarely "just a preference"; there is nearly always some sort of unresolved psychological issue with a male parent. Your description of sexual attraction to your father and your masturbatory fantasies support this idea, at least in your case. It does seem pretty certain that you're gay, and Mdm is correct; there's no credible evidence that family-of-origin issues can cause someone to be gay. Here's where it gets complicated: Most likely, the attraction you're feeling to older men is rooted in a lack of a feeling of deep connection to an adult male figure growing up. What you describe is pretty common among gay men who find themselves attracted to older guys. The lack of discussion of any uncomfortable feelings makes it very difficult to be emotionally open and authentic. And that, in turn, makes it difficult to be able to easily access genuine romantic feelings. (A lot of people mischaracterize/mislabel this as asexuality, aromanticism, gray-asexuality, or the like; there's no data to support that as a hardwired sexual orientation, but there's a ton of data to support the impact that lack of emotional openness has on sexual attraction and emotional vulnerability, which is directly related.) So the next piece is... know that lots of other people have been where you are, that you're not alone, and that what you're experiencing (including the sexual attraction to your dad) isn't disgusting, creepy, TMI, or anything else. It's simply a byproduct of the experiences you've had, and it is also something that can and will change if you want to put the effort into doing that. The very first step is talking about it, as you're doing now. The next step is learning to open up to yourself, and love yourself exactly as you are, and believing that you are worthy of love and affection. That will take some time and require some work. Therapy is the best option, provided you can find a really good therapist who understands these issues and can help you navigate them. I also strongly suggest checking out Brené Brown's three TED talks (available on Youtube) that address the impact of shame and importance of working toward emotional openness. Finally, just continuing to talk about what you're experiencing here will be really helpful, and I think if you embark on this journey, you'll be surprised how far it can take you in a relatively short time.
