So in the past 6 months or so, I've just started to not only accept myself but I've come to enjoy it too. However, I have days when I'm like, "I am a flaming homosexual and I love it!" and other days when I really doubt myself and question whether or not this is all put on in my mind. I tend to wonder if this flip is a psychological thing, or if it's caused by environmental factors, i.e: hetero-normative upbringing, religious views, other feelings. A bit of background info about me though: I've been brought up in a Baptist church in a small conservative town where of course, "my kind" aren't very common. I had experimented with one of my friends a couple years ago which had started to pose all the normal questions when one isn't completely aware they're gay. After meeting a guy while working at camp this past summer, we began dating (my first boyfriend), and he was instrumental in helping me accept that it's ok to be gay. I went back to my normal life feeling much more comfortable about myself, but still feeling kind of uneasy seeing other guys kiss and whatnot. So I started exposing myself to it by looking at pictures of other gay couples. Now, I embrace it and I look forward to it. Still I can't shake the feeling that what if I had forced this upon myself? If I had never experienced these things, would I still consider myself gay? So I guess the ultimate question here is: is this all just a big put on, in order to make myself gay? Something that I never would have been in the first place? :bang:
Hello. I have had a similar experience to yours, similar Herero-normative upbringing although I'm younger. I think, from what you're posted, you're probably gay. Maybe you're still subconsciously wanting to cling to being straight and as they call it "normal". Good luck figuring yourself out, be patient and things will work out! (*hug*)
