Who am I?

Before I write anything about what exactly has been going on in my life these past few months, I guess it's important for me to point out two things.

• I have struggled with anxiety my entire life.
• I have never felt anything for someone of the same sex.

Why do I think it's important for me to point these out? Because I don't know if what's going on with me right now has to do with my anxiety, or if it's because I am, in fact, gay.

Now, I guess my post will be quite long, but I really have to get out everything that's been on my mind recently because I really want an answer as to what exactly is happening to me and what this all means.

As a child, I was always pretty girly. I was never tomboy-ish or showed boyish qualities or anything. The only thing that made me "different" as a girl, and was maybe a little boyish, was the fact that I loved dinosaurs. (still do, okay? they're great)

Anyways... I didn't remember this moment until I started getting these thoughts recently, but when I was about 7 years old, I remember we were at school and my best guy friend and I were looking through a magazine and we came across this page in which there was a partially naked girl, and I was SHOCKED. I was like "gross, what is that? am I going to have those?!" (referring to boobs) but I was kind of... I don't know, it was weird. It was the first time I saw a girl like that and it was weird! and I don't know if it's because a) I like girls or b) I mean... first time seeing something like that? you are bound to be like "what the hell"

So... anyways, those two things probably don't mean anything, but for some reason, my brain is trying to convince me that they do! That the fact that I liked dinosaurs and once looked at a picture of an almost-naked girl and thinking "wow", means that I might be gay. Do they mean anything?

The thing is... I don't like girls. Yeah, they're pretty, whatever, but I don't want to be in a relationship or have sex with them. I like guys! I always have.

The confusion started when my anxiety got really bad. Exam stress and whatnot. I started getting these thoughts in my mind going... "what if you're gay?" "what if you like girls?" what if, what if, what if... it was horrifying, because I'm pretty sure I don't like them! I've tried imagining kissing girls, having sex with them, and I don't like it! In fact, when I think about it, it kind of just... grosses me out. I don't want to do it! You know? And it's so confusing, because even though my reaction is "NOPE!" my mind goes... "are you sure?"

I've fallen in love with guys so many times, I'm scared that maybe I reached my limit? It's stupid, but what if you can only like, like... I don't know, 50 guys in your whole life, and I have already reached that limit and now am going to like girls? Is this my transition into being a lesbian?

I don't want to be! I don't want to date any girls.... all I want is to grow up, marry the man of my dreams, have kids...

I'm really scared right now. These thoughts have given me so much anxiety that I have literally stopped going out, I've stopped eating, I live in my room... it's ridiculous. I'm scared of wearing certain clothes that might make me look boyish or whatever, I'm scared of hanging out with my friends because... what if I find out that I'm gay? I'm scared of going out with a guy because... what if I don't feel anything for him? Does that mean that I'm gay?

It's so frustrating because... up until a few months ago I was fine! I felt fine. I had a crush on a guy I think I still like... I'm not even sure right now! I have desperately tried to feel something for guys, but I can't. Every time I find myself going "do you find him attractive? Do you want to have sex with him" while watching a TV show, I have to remind myself that when watching TV shows, I don't usually feel anything. But... the thoughts are still going. "What if you're gay?"

All I know is that penis turns me on, I don't feel anything when I think about boobs, and still, my mind is reeling and making me believe that I'm gay.

Am I?

Sorry this is so long, but God, am I confused.

 

There have been way too many stressful events in my life recently to even count... Those few weeks before my anxiety got really bad, I was in exams. I was really scared that I might not do as good as I had to so I could pass all my classes, and it was all just a roller coaster of emotions. I was having trouble with some friends... I mean, it was just... things happened all at once, and then the weekend before my hardest exam was when it all started. You know? The thoughts, the anxiety attacks...

I investigated a little bit about Homosexual OCD, and it does sound like it's what's happening to me right now, but... I don't know, I'm still scared. I guess knowing what it is kind of helps with the anxiety because it's kind of reassuring me that I am, in fact, straight. But it's only for a little while... after "the calm" my mind just starts "what if you're trying to convince yourself that it's that because you don't want to be gay?" and it just... it goes bad once again.

Thank you for reading all that, by the way!! I honestly thought nobody was going to reply.

 

hey, don't worry! I'll figure it out, I guess. Maybe in the future, when I'm married and have kids or whatever... I'll look back at this and be like "hell, why was I so confused?"

but for the moment I'll just... have to wait. Think it through, but... not so much that I have anxiety attacks, just enough to figure it out... thanks, though.