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The emotions, and realizations just kind of keep flooding in..

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by kaylaa, Jan 8, 2015.

  1. kaylaa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2015
    Messages:
    1
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    Location:
    British Columbia
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    This is so long, and I apologize, but am so thankful to anyone who takes a moment to read:

    I've always known I had a physical attraction to women, and I've always grown up in a family environment that accepted the LGBTQ community fully. But for some reason I always told myself there was no way I could ever be gay. Even though Boys made me uncomfortable growing up.. but wether nice or rude I felt a sense of anxiety and pressure to be around them, and to like them. So I decided I had crushes, I didn't know what a crush even felt like but if I told myself I liked a boy I did, and that was that.

    I never dated as a teenager, never had any real altercations with men until I was 16 years old. And there were several times my mother actually asked me if I was a lesbian, and I remember how distraught id get. The anger id feel towards such an accusation from my flesh and blood, there was no way I was gay. I refused to even entertain the idea. And ended up in a relationship with a man for about a year, and never found myself so Unsatisfied and unfulfilled mentally and physically... The lack of sexual and emotional intimacy made me so depressed, I slept on the couch 75% of the relationship and it spiraled out of control when I decided I couldn't handle the unhappiness anymore. But then about a few months ago, I was introduced to this girl, and automatically just knew I wanted to cuddle her, and kiss her and be close to her in so many ways. I told myself it was a silly fantasy, and not to think anything of it, but I noticed the way we would look into each others eyes. Finally one night about a month ago I ended up going home with her from the bar, and had my first sexual experience with a woman.. I had never been so satisfied, and so happy to wake up next to someone and the relationship picked up fast. Before I knew it she was telling people I'm her girlfriend and it's never felt so good to have someone decide they wanted me for themselves. But the realizations, the emotions I feel lately are something I don't understand. I told myself it was another relationship, an experience to think nothing of. But I'm remembering and realizing so much. My first sexual fantasies being girls from school, my first real crush being my best-friend in middle school, and my first kiss. I remember the butterflies I felt remembering her kiss for the following weeks, and mentioning it out of confidence only to be rejected and told to forget about it. I realize how comfortable I've been with women my whole life, the bonds I've formed with girl friends that always ended in jealousy towards them hanging out with other girls. It's all just stating to make sense, and it's scary. I don't know what to expect, I don't know what to feel. I know my girlfriend is amazing, and I know bisexuality is a thing. But the lack of feeling, whilst being intimate with men, it's numbing and everything I feel around them is so forced..

    Now that I've seemed to open up this side of me, I notice how deep my admiration for women's beauty goes, I notice the butterflies in my stomach when a woman makes a connection with me. But I'm scared of the change, I'm scared of my life becoming more complicated, I'm scared of being rejected by people I've been so close to for years, I'm scared of family members possibly viewing me differently, the way my sexually obnoxious estranged father might react. I'm scared that because this whole experience is in the company of a woman who's completely out, that it could effect our relationship. My mind is spiraling out of control, and i don't know what I'm supposed to do. I cry so much lately when I'm alone, and it's a sense of emotion I don't understand, I'm happy but terrified. Relieved but still hurt. I'm tired of being told it's a phase, or not to worry what others think and to just "do me". I'm tired of people telling me I'm only 19 and to wait 5 years. I'm tired of people trying to justify that my history with men means I must be straight and just having fun.

    I just need to speak with someone who understands...
     
  2. STM29

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2013
    Messages:
    260
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Germany
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello and welcome on EC :slight_smile:I'm sure you'll find some nice and caring people here to talk with.

    It can be hard to discover your feelings and emotions, but it's even harder when you try to hide who you really are. You have found out for yourself that you don't really want to be with a guy, you want to be with a woman. That's okay and when this is what makes you happy then go for it. Do what feels right for you and not what others expect from you. Don't care too much about other people.
    I'm happy for you that you seem to accept yourself the way you are...and your relationship to this girl sounds great and I hope you are happy. Wish you two all the best!

    It's okay that you are scared at the moment - everything is new for you. But don't stress out about it, take it step by step. In the past your girlfriend was in the same situation and she had to come out to people, so she probably knows how you feel right now and can help you trough this.
    When you feel comfortable and ready to come out to everyone, maybe start with your good friends from which you have the impression that they'll react cool. Or a you already out to some of them?
    Real friends accept you the way you are and love you for who you are. If some reject you, they never were your true friends and you don't need them in your life. And regarding family, why are you so scared? You said they are pretty pro LGBT, so they'll probably take it good and support you.

    But of course there are always people that say it's just a phase and people that try to tell you who you are and what you can be and what not...and I really understand that you get tired of that sh!t. For this I don't have a solution...Try to ignore those people. You don't have to justify anything, it's your life and it's non of their business. When people you don't know really good say things like that, don't care about it. If some of your friends say things like that, maybe have a conversation and share your point of view with them.