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"I'm a lesbian" - but why is it so difficult to say out loud?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Purplefrog, Jan 9, 2015.

  1. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    Because I think in all probability it is true - but I doubt myself.

    Over the last few years since being on here, I have come to a place where I realise that I have no desire to be with a man, don't miss dating them or sleeping with them. I can appreciate them and feel fond of them without thinking I therefore *should* be dating them.

    Within this time, I have properly been with a couple of women and realise what I was missing out on. Having experienced what I have with women, I have appreciated them in ways I never appreciated with men. I desire them in a very different and more intense way than I did with men. Having just properly broken up with my first girlfriend of 8 months - eventually going onto date another woman/women seems the next natural step, rather than finding a boyfriend. Finding a man just doesn't make sense any more.

    I have moved from being bi- saying I have preference towards women, to saying now that I only want to be with a woman. I suppose over the last couple of years I've become more enlightened about where I actually more comfortably/naturally sit with my sexuality.

    But... there is something nagging at me about being a fraud, of not being a proper lesbian for the straight life I led before (the crushes/relationships/being turned on), where I did want to be with a man because that's all I knew/thought was the only way I could be a sexual person. There's a fear I've got it wrong, maybe it's a phase etc.

    Currently amongst my friends - they know I only fancy women, and only want a relationship with a woman - but to actually say "I AM A LESBIAN" is really, really scary, as I suppose there's some sort of finality to it all. I know I can't be bisexual as I don't have any desire to be with men anymore.

    Anybody felt similar or care to tell me I'm being rather silly? :bang:
     
  2. biAnnika

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    Yes, it's scary because it is final...it closes a door.

    Do you find it similarly uncomfortable to say "I would prefer my romantic and sexual relationships to be with women" or "Sex with other women feels much more alive, passionate, and real to me?"

    If saying "I am a lesbian" sounds too final, but the above is comfortable, then why not just say the above? There is no need to define your sexuality in an existing word...just live it.

    If the above statement *isn't* comfortable...then ask yourself why not.

    But as to the "pure logic" angle of your argument, honestly, who knows where your desires will go? No, you don't have desire to be with men anymore...*now*...and you may well never again...probably won't, even. But you've also just spent years with men, worked out that you want something else, passed through fire to claim the right and self-permission to have relationships with women...that's going to have a suppressing effect on your level of desire for men, even if that level of desire was *never* very high. I'm just saying that there are lots of reasons you may feel very anti-men right now.

    Rather than adopting a label that feels uncomfortable...why not stick to statements you *know* are true and feel comfortable saying? I'll bet that after 5 years (or maybe 1, or maybe 2 months) of saying "I prefer women", the word "lesbian" will sound less intimidating...unless it really *is* the wrong word.
     
  3. XenaxGabby

    XenaxGabby Guest

    It takes time. You could also say "I prefer the X chromosome." Good luck!
     
  4. LooseMoose

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    It feels like it could have been me who wrote that post, Purplefrog!

    At times I find myself feeling like a fraud when I call myself a lesbian, at other times I feel like a fraud when I don't. When I think about it rationally I know that the issue is that all labels are narrow, and really don't capture my sexuality & emotional attractions 100%, hence when I adopt any label I feel that I suddenly limit myself to certain way of being in the world.
    Really I am more panromantic, demisexual and sapiosexual than homosexual, but nevertheless I am homosexual when it comes to purely physical attractions, and I feel like I have been equipped with 'gay circuitry' when it comes to being with people physically. Since I don't have interest in pursuing relationships and sex withe the opposite sex I feel that calling myself gay or queer is most appropriate, but still it feels like it does not fully represent me.
    I feel much more comfortable calling myself gay when I think about it in terms of preference, that way I feel that really the reason why I call myself gay is because I dislike heterosexuality and relationships with men, it makes me feel like I have a choice and a preference.

    When I think about calling myself lesbian not because I simply *prefer* women, but because I am actually not capable of being physically attracted to men, my mind just hits a blank wall.
    It goes against all the 'open-mindedness ' and 'love is love' kind of thinking that was at one point one of my values.

    Understanding sexuality in this narrow, deterministic, essentialist kind of way, one which says that people are born either gay or straight or bi makes me feel completely out of control, which I am not yet prepared to accept.

    I know for sure I am not sexually attracted to men, but I was also attracted to people who happened to be men for all other reasons, other than sexual attraction, does the lack of physical attraction make the whole experience and my feelings for their soul somehow less valid? It just seems such a narrow way to define ones whole romantic/personal/emotional/sexual way of relating to people on the basis of sexual attraction.

    Having come out to myself, and having learned to realise feel what sexual attraction actually is, it feels like such a small element out of all the other possible ways of liking people that it almost feels laughable that society differentiates between identities on the basis of that particular kind of attraction.

    Another aspect that I feel pretty strongly is the aspect of refusing to conform & finding ways to 'not fit' because for me that is the most comfortable way to be. It is almost like a defence mechanism, or maybe a way of sabotaging myself, I don't know.

    I remember that there was a time when I socialised in lesbian circles a lot, and was accepted as a lesbian, and prior to that I did not feel any attraction to men, at all. But the moment I started 'fitting in' in to that group of people, I started to suddenly pay attention to men. Why? I don't know, but my guess is that I simply always felt more comfortable as an outsider and was doing everything to prevent myself fitting into the lesbian box, or maybe just enacted internalised homophobia and prevented myself from feeling belonging, because I secretly felt I did not deserve it?
    I don't know, but I feel that if very strongly identified with being a lesbian I'd probably find ways to sabotage it by 'returning to men' & making myself unhappy again. If its internalised homophobia, or a 'rebellious' refusal to be defined by one label & accepting a certain biological determinism, I don't know.

    I don't have any particular advice in that matter Purplefrog, other than saying that I can relate to you in some way & that really labels should not matter, because we are real, 3-dimensional beings who relate to others in complex ways, for which one-dimensional labels rarely fit and that subconsciously nobody really likes to be defined in one way. Labels are a necessity in a world in which you are either straight or not, but that does not mean that they are some absolutes and that we like having to label ourselves.

    We label ourselves to prevent others from labelling us, but we often will resist those definitions on a subconscious level, because nobody likes to fit into a box.
    In my case the acceptance of the 'lesbian' label is difficult because I ask myself " is this ALL I am?' and at the same time I feel that I 'don't deserve it' because I 'don't fit' into it, I am *more* than what the label prescribes, and yet other labels also don't fit either, because I am *less* than *bisexual*: I am NOT sexually attracted to both.

    I think it is more important to find acceptance for yourself, within yourself, rather than through finding a perfect identification through a label, because if we want to grow and move on as human beings we will always have to transgress any kind of label, rather than trying to fit it.
    Sorry to have rambled, but your post resonated with me in a personal way.
    Good luck!
     
  5. ForNarnia

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    Hang in there :slight_smile: These things take time, so don't rush yourself. The only other advice I can think to give is using a different term than 'lesbian.' I know some girls prefer 'gay' or 'queer', but you can use whatever term you want, or just don't use one at all.
     
  6. indiqo

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    NO. you are not a fake because you have a past with males. don't let anyone tell you this because how you identify is your own realisation. it does not matter what life you have lived previously. honestly a lot of people have. in the world we live in there is a lot of pressure to live a heterosexual life, it isn't indicative of what you should or should not identify.

    I think though that perhaps the fear of things being too final could be because you could be maybe pressuring yourself into finding some category you fit into, which can be super helpful, but it can also make you feel some kind of urgency and it can be scary because of the finality. so I would say not to worry too much about those categories right now. I know to some people they are important (personally I am very analytical, so I understand the need to place things in categories and only feel comfortable when it's possible).

    I don't identify as lesbian, because I feel it is most commonly used to identify female same-sex attraction in terms of both sexual orientation and romantic orientation. I am only physically attracted to biological females but I am romantically attracted to people of any biological sex or gender identity. it's such a long description though right.

    I can relate a lot to not feeling comfortable using the word, but remember you don't have to. find a word you feel comfortable using, even if you make it up ^^
     
  7. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    Thanks guys. Have just come back from a night out with one of my good gay male mates. We went to a couple of gay bars. For me, going out meant I was reintegrating my gay sense of self post break up (it somehow felt easier I accepting my gay self whilst in a lesbian relationship).

    My ex and I had met earlier in the week when I was picking up a couple of things I had genuinely left behind by accident - and we discussed the chances of bumping into each other post break up, which we agreed were very slim. Imagine then my shock therefore when I realised walking into the bar that SHE was there, in the midst of me trying to go out, have a good time, and enjoy the prospect of potential lighthearted flirtation with other women.

    It was really not ideal her being there, but she did come over with her friend to chat to me and my friend. But - her being there, and the fact I am so not over her yet, was really driven home. Being around her again made me realise the full extent of my desire to be with women, and really how I never felt like that with men. I guess unless in the midst of that desire, it becomes somehow quite abstract. I can tell you that at that moment, I wanted to forget that we had ever broken up, and to go back to hers, straight to bed...

    Also, being in a gay bar kind of felt like home, that this was me, and this is where my people are (despite the majority of people there looking young enough to still be at school...).

    I might struggle with the label, but tonight I felt so affirmed in being gay, that thoughts of my former straight life seemed irrelevant. In short, when immersed in the "world of gay", with a few drinks on board, I feel freedom to be fully me, and feel I am fully me, and calling myself a lesbian becomes natural. In the cold light of day, it is perhaps harder to accept.

    Btw, I particularly enjoyed your input loosemoose. I think I must still have some remnants of internalised homophobia, that can be more easily drowned by events such as tonight than before, but nonetheless do exist. I kind of feel I'm delaying the inevitable, as I too feel ultimately wired to be gay. I too am scared that if I make some grand statement about being a lesbian, that I will suddenly run back to men and look like a fool (I do actually know a previously proud self professed lesbian, who is now married to a man - she previously swore blind she would never go near men again). I think labels can be constricting, and to different people the same label can be interpreted differently. I suppose if I were to ultimately use the label lesbian I would like to qualify it/add a footnote stating: *with an ounce of nuance*. Furthermore, I guess it is about educating people that not all dykes have to hold the hardline attitude of "I knew when I was 3 years old, I have never been near a man, and anyone else who has as much as been in sniffing distance of a man, isn't really gay". Ok I may have exaggerated there, but you get my drift.