Hey everybody! I’ve been confused about my sexuality for about a year now, and it’s really bothering me. I can’t tell if I’m actually attracted to other women and want to be in a relationship with a woman or if I’m just scared of being in a relationship with a man. I don’t care if I’m attracted to women or men or both, I just want to know. When I was five two older boys made a male friend and me touch our private areas together, and obviously it affected me. I don’t like physical contact. I hate hugs and kisses. I hate being touched in anyway especially if it’s a guy. I only hug my parents and very few close friends, most of whom are girls. I don’t even like to see a guy touch a girl. My brother was rubbing his girlfriend’s back, and it made me uncomfortable. A guy I hung out with one time was very touchy, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. The only time that I was ok-ish with a guy touching me was on a date with a guy I really liked, he held my hand during the movie we saw. The thought of being intimate with a guy freaks me out and is kind of gross to think about. Like kissing a guy or anything more doesn’t sound as appealing as doing those things with a woman. And I don’t know if that’s because I am actually attracted to women (only or in addition to guys) or because I’m just scared of being with a guy. I do find girls attractive, and I possibly have a crush on a friend who is a girl, but I don’t really know how I feel about guys. There was only one other time where I “questioned” my sexuality. In gym junior year, a lesbian in my class asked me if I was a lesbian, and my automatic answer was “I don’t know.” I feel like a straight girl’s automatic answer would “No,” and they would just go on to deny being a lesbian. All growing up I was attracted to guys. My crushes have always been on guys. Pretty much I feel like my confusion is more that I’m scared to be in a relationship, other than friendship, with a guy because of what happened to me when I was five, and not that I’m actually bi or lesbian. I feel like my feelings towards intimacy and fear of being with a man are because I have not gotten passed what happened. The only part I don’t have an explanation for is my “I don’t know” answer. Yeah, I don’t really know what I’m looking for here guys, but I got it out…
Sweetie, it sounds like you might need to talk to someone about what happen to you when you were younger. I think the main thing is realizing what you do want - a relationship, a friendship, a companion? Some people just aren't touchy feely, but maybe you should see whose presence you feel best around. Let people know you need to take it very slow, and don't worry so much about the whole sexual intimacy and going all the way. Just take things in strides and be around people who make you feel comfortable, and slowly but surely things will all work its way out. Just try to be honest with yourself, and make sure to let others know when you're enjoying or not enjoying something. You got this <3
Thank you for replying. I am actually seeing a therapist, and we have talked about it. Only a bit though because it is so painful.
Hi there The aftermath of childhood abuse is very difficult to deal with. It takes a lot of time and its very natural to question your adult sexual feelings when you are still working through feelings of betrayal and the pain from what happened to you as a young girl. In many ways, I feel the effects may be unapparent to the victim for a long time. In my case, I was abused for a very long time during my childhood and only now, when I've realised that I'm into women, are some of the after-effects becoming more apparent. For example, I've started wondering whether being abused by men/boys creates an automatic association in the mind that sex typically involves a penis (apologies for the bluntness). Other associations like that maybe it isn't supposed to feel "amazing" to be intimate with someone no doubt also creep in. The point is: give yourself space to feel whatever you need to. Try not to badger yourself over not figuring it out fast enough. Let things develop organically with whomever you're attracted to and be sure to take things at the pace that feels most comfortable for you. And don't feel bad about the people touching you thing - perfectly normal. It's about personal space and it's perfectly acceptable to (very politely) inform someone if they're over-stepping boundaries.
I was sexually scared by men when I was a teenager. I never thought I would have a boyfriend, nor marry a man. I felt safer with girls. I was scared of men, but when I found the most gentle and loving man I no longer I'm afraid of guys. So how you feel right now, can change someday depending who you meet. To like girls is different than to be sexual with a girl. Who you are sexually attracted to determines your label...
That's interesting because I was also sexually abused twice by older men, and I don't know if that has anything to do with my sexual thoughts with older men. They aren't pleasurable either, it stirs up a lot of anxiety and confusion in me. I know I had feelings for girls and girls only, but I have an overwhelming fear that I will have a relationship with a older man. You just gotta hold true to what you know about yourself, that's all I can say.
A step at a time is all you can ask of yourself and the fact that you've been willing to seek help and talk - no matter how little - is brave of you because it can be really difficult and emotionally and mentally painful to revisit traumatic memories. Though the past can certainly affect the present and future, it isn't written in stone, either, and what sublimeprincess said could very well be true and taking things slow and without pressure is a great way to go. Be good to yourself and know that you can absolutely take your own time in finding yourself and if you really want answers for yourself - your own true answers - be willing to keep an open mind and continue to be brave and honest with yourself. I wish you all the best.
