I'm 20 years old and male. I am confused about my sexuality and I wanted to get some advice. Since I was very young I have always had a sense of feeling different from my male peers. At the time I had no idea why this was but I have always had this feeling and I still do today. At around the age of 11, I kissed and cuddled with two male friends. I also used to watched gay porn when I was about 13ish but I soon stopped because it was wrong and began to watch straight porn. Later in my teen years, I kissed a female friend and also made out with another. Since them I have not any kind of sexual activity with anyone. I was not a very confident teen and due to bullying I developed depression and anxiety. I wasn't really interested in dating women but I also had no thoughts about dating men, but that's because I thought it wasn't an option because I believed I was straight. I had crushes on girls at school but never acted on them, and looking back I don't think they real crushed. By the time I was 16/17, I had some sexual thoughts about my male teachers but I ignored these feelings. It took until I was 18/19 for me to acknowledge that I probably wasn't straight. I got really excited looking at six packs and I began to watch more gay porn than straight porn. In my first year of uni I came out as a bisexual to a friend and my parents, but I wasn't ready to accept myself as anything than straight so I went back into the closet and avoided mentioning it. Looking back, I feel like I'm not that interested in women. I have a male friend who lives about 4 hours away, who I'd see every summer and he'd stay at mine or I'd stay at his for a few days. When he went home I cried and I really missed him; I'm not sure if I had a crush on him but I definitely felt strongly about him and sometimes wished he was with me. When I see men and women in the street I think they are both hot, but I'm more interested in having sex with the men more than the ladies. I get really excited when thinking about getting a boyfriend and cuddling him and doing things couples do. I have imagined cuddling and kissing some of my closest male friends. I also think that vaginas look gross and I can't imagine myself doing anything with one. Sorry this is such a long message but I have repressed all of this for such a long time I just wanted to get some advice on this. Do you think I am gay? If so, what I could do to make sure? Thanks for reading
Hey J456 I felt like I was reading my own life story, it's interesting how so many of us have very similar experiences while figuring out the complexities of sexuality and attraction. I think you'll find this answer very useful. Don't get caught up on labels. While they're useful in some instances they can also be very limiting. I've always had a much stronger attraction to men growing up from as young as I can remember. Still I had two girlfriends before I ever even kissed a guy. This was mostly due to the fact that I did not feel comfortable with my same-sex attraction due to religious and societal upbringing. I then met my first boyfriend online when I was 17 and we dated for a few months before I broke it off out of fear. However experiencing that relationship, being close to a guy and opening up myself to the desires I had was an awakening for me. I've had three physical relationships with women and all of these combined could not match the intensity of that or any of my other same-sex experiences. Even when I would be with a girl I would always have strong attractions to guys. I'd walk a step behind so I could check other guys out or develop crushes on her male friends. After dating my last girlfriend I decided that it was not fair to me or to any female to enter into a relationship where I could not offer all of me and so I began identifying as gay. My experiences with men have been so fulfilling as a result. I am able to be more connected with my partners sexually and romantically and to have a deeper connection with myself. I'm no longer depressed and feel happier and more comfortable each day. I've also been able to develop lots of wonderful friendships where I'm able to share myself honestly with other people. Like you I find vaginas gross:eek: lol, However my last boyfriend was bisexual and based on discussions that we had I was able to break down and understand how my identifying as gay had really enforced in me certain behaviors and views towards women. Now that I am more honest with myself I find that I do find some women sexually attractive and occasionally my thoughts will stray from that of admiration or appreciation to raw sexual desire. Something I never thought I was capable of. I say all of this to tell you that life is full of many choices and opportunities for attraction and the fulfillment of desire and satisfaction. Don't limit yourself by focusing on conforming to a label, especially at this time when you are unsure. Instead try to tune into your emotional response to the people that you meet. If you find someone attractive or sexually desirable then enjoy that experience. Don't deny yourself the possible experience of a fulfilling relationship with another beautiful human being due to your fear. With each experience that you have you'll walk away knowing more and more what you're desirous of and what you're not. What makes you happy and what doesn't. What traits you find attractive and those you don't. Once you have this knowledge then you can focus on only those things. And remember that your tastes may change overtime so don't worry if later on you find your attractions vary. Just go with what feels good to you. PS I'm not advocating you go on a sexual rampage. While sex can provide very sharp clarity you can also find answers through romantic relationships, dating guys/girls, develop intimate friendships with other questioning or queer people, join clubs or organizations where you can be exposed to interesting people...etc
