Ok I am going to lay this all out on the table and hopefully someone can help me. To start off, I'm fully aware that sexual identity and attraction is a spectrum and also fluid. I think I am bisexual. Just a heads up, I have depression, have struggled with suicidal thoughts. I don't like myself (or my body) very much and sometimes the future feels hopeless. I have a treatment team of a counselor and psychiatrist. Ever since I was little, I, a female, have had crushes on boys. Wanted them to like me, get all fluttery inside, wanting to talk to them/be around them all the time, can't stop thinking about them, imagining marrying/being with them. I have always wanted to (up until recently, which I will expand on later in the post) marry a guy and have kids. I have a Pinterest board for my dream wedding. When I turned eleven, I don't know what it was, but something inside me was like ".... what if I'm not straight?". This thought would be apparent for stretches of time, and then disappear for other stretches of time. When I was fourteen I got my first and only boyfriend. I cannot remember whether or not I questioned my sexuality while with him, I don't think I did. I was crazy about him, wanted to marry him (lol), I liked holding his hand, hugging him, kissing him, and making out with him (the extent of our physical relationship as we were both only 14). He dumped me after five months and man was I SO CRUSHED. I had many crushes on guys after that one boyfriend but I have always been rejected by guys (hence that first boyfriend being my only boyfriend), which slowly chipped away at my self esteem. But recently I haven't had any full blown crushes. The last full blown crush on a guy I have had was in August on a guy that was new to the job I have while on school breaks. I didn't make a move and we both went back to college and he got a girlfriend. I cried so much, and my attraction to him slowly faded. I worked with him a few times over winter break and the attraction was so faint but I was still happy to see him. Since him, I have felt faint attractions to two other guys. Have these crushes been real or were they fake feelings drilled into me by a hetero-normative society that says girls should like boys? I have seemed to lost interest to being married to anyone as the thought of being with the same person for FOREVER seems so dreadfully boring.... Also I can't imagine automatically falling in love with an alien that pops out of my vagina covered in goop so children also seem meh.... Why do I feel this way now when I wanted to get married and have kids so badly before? Is it the depression or something more? Sometimes when I meet certain girls I feel really warm, like an attraction (this has happened maybe three or four times). However, these feelings aren't like the crushes for guys I was having for years and years and years. I don't think about them all the time like I would the boys. It hasn't been until I started college a year and a half ago that these "warm" attractions began. I can't imagine having relationships with these girls. I have had two sexual encounters with guys since coming to college. Both times I was either tipsy or drunk and it didn't go past making out or getting handsy, the farthest I've gotten with anyone. There I have been times where I've really wanted to give or receive oral and move on to sex at one point but no guy has liked me and casual hookups do not appeal to me. There was one guy I met through *******. We was the first and only guy where thinking about sex with him really got me physically aroused but after meeting him in person I realized some red flags and decided not to pursue a relationship and cut him off. Right now I don't really want to do anything with a guy.... Is this because of the depression? Or because I don't like how my body looks so I don't want anyone to see me naked? For the past few weeks I had been watching a few GGW-type lesbian porn videos (maybe on five separate occasions?) and got off on watching them. However I felt guilty because porn feels sleazy to me so I blocked the website on my computer and don't feel comfortable watching any more, even though there is a small desire to. I live in a fairly liberal area (northern Virginia) and come from a liberal family. I know that no matter my sexuality, my friends, family, and people that matter will accept me and support me. There are a handful of people in my family that are not straight, and my family loves them and accepts them. I have told a few people (parents, sibling, best friend) that I think I am bisexual and am unsure. There reaction was great, very supportive, "we will love you no matter what" (I am very thankful for this reaction as I know many don't have my luck, but I knew this would be the reaction). I have never been taught that homosexuality is wrong. I am agnostic so any sort of "religious" teaching against homosexuality is just kind of "meh" as I am not religious so any sort of teachings don't effect my behavior/beliefs, but I am respectful of other's beliefs (as long as you aren't an asshole). Despite all this.... I don't want to be a lesbian. I don't feel as if I have any sort of deep seeded aversion or prejudice towards LGBT people, I just don't want to be a lesbian. I have some male gay friends and I'm fine with them. When I think "Why wouldn't I want to be a lesbian?" I come up blank. My confusion has turned to an obsession, with every action or thought turning into "WHAT IF THIS MAKES ME A LESBIAN????" to the point of stereotyping like "I haven't shaved my legs in a while/only shave my legs once in a while.... WHAT IF THIS MAKES ME A LESBIAN????" which makes me angry at myself for doing. Every time I settle on "I am bisexual" something inside my brings up all the "evidence" that could make me just a lesbian and I roll over every single thing in my head over again. My worst fear is I will, one day, be married to a dude and have kids, wake up and be like WAIT I AM A LESBIAN AND HAVE BEEN LYING TO MYSELF ALL ALONG. Can anyone at all give me their insight or thoughts? Thank you. I'm having a hard time sleeping with all of this.
You don't sound like a lesbian since you seem pretty comfortable with your attraction to guys, even if you've had a few relationship stumbles with them. I'm not saying you aren't bisexual, but if you aren't sexually attracted to women and you can't picture yourself having a romantic relationship with one there's also a pretty good chance you're actually straight. These women you say you are "attracted" to, can you see yourself thinking of them as more than friends?
I'm pretty sure I am sexually attracted to women. Part of me wants to be intimate with a woman but something inside of me also doesn't want to. I also check out girls a lot Not more as friends, just maybe fool around with. I can't picture myself being romantically involved. However part of me is afraid that maybe I'm in denial.
What is holding you back from dating with a girl or having sex? You think about them sexually, you will always be guessing when you really haven't done it. You are going to go nuts! ha ha! Yes you doing want to go on in life and think about what if...for the rest of your life it's just torturing yourself mentally & physically. I can see that you feel safer with girls, since you haven't been dumped or hurt by them, not yet anyways. Girls or guys depending who they are can be both the same. Girls are so hard to understand. Guys are rather straight forward, which is nice. I too did suffer from depression for many years of confusion. I read a book it may be able to help you. Through Time Into Healing by dr. brain weiss m.d. helped me with my depression. Best wishes.
I dont know why, there is just something inside of me holding me back. Like I want to but I don't want to. I guess I'm afraid of the truth.
You could take your time and get used to the thought. Here might be a few hints: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-...fo-you-got-ec-helped-you-accept-yourself.html (*hug*)
I think the unknown is more fustrating and fearful than the truth. Plus either way you can't hide the truth you have your answer sometime now or later better yet make it sooner than later.
