Ok, hopefully you guys can give me some advice on this. I've been thinking about this a great deal lately, but no conclusions yet, only more confusion... So here are some facts... - Have had long term relationships on the past. At the beginning they were fun and somehow I felt ok with all the romance involved. Shortly after (less than 3 months) I began to find everything a bit silly, and then later I had this feeling as if I was trapped, couldn't "breathe", the romance felt even sillier, began to have negative feelings about my partner when expressing romantic stuff, etc... In short, the enjoyment turned into "suffering" more or less. -I used to be more or less romantic, but my own romantic feelings lead to some kind of strange masochistic suffering. The more I "loved", the more I "suffered". -The older I get, the shorter is my patience with romantic stuff. I feel nothing when I hear "I love you". I don't know how to react to this, what to say, and I don't want to lie either, so I just say some silly joke or "Hmmm, ok, good night". -The strangest part is that I like to buy flowers or chocolates from time to time, and see my partner's eyes glowing... I find it ok, as long as my partner doesn't try to get me past my comfort zone, i.e. saying things like "you are sooo sweet" and stuff like that... -The idea of a dinner on some restaurant, with candlelights and soft music, means nothing to me but the headache of facing an expensive bill later. -I feel much more comfortable with the idea of "friendship" than of "romance". I wouldn't mind getting married, but not out of "love". My idea of marriage is just... More like a team of two people joining forces out of mutual respect. -I never thought in my life that sex and love had nothing in common. -I don't think I'm able to suffer that thing called "relationship stress" for long. To fight with my partner leaves me in an awful state for days. I don't think I can forgive and forget, or "accept that there is a price", or anything like that... I don't want that anymore, 'cause I've got enough stress in my life, period. -To hug and kiss is ok, but I don't get as carried away and emotional as I was younger. Again, the older I get, the less I can enjoy those things. -To me friendship is the perfect relationship between two human beings. That thing called "romance" has been always felt alien to me. Ok, those are the facts I can think of right now, so feel free to ask me more if you want. As I've said I've had three LTR on the past, two of them ended badly and the last one ended with the death of my partner. The rest of my relationships have been exceptionally brief (less than 2-3 months), and I had only a sexual interest on the other person. Could it be that I am -and have been- aromantic during all my life? Do my LTRs invalidate my possible "aromantic-ness"? Or am I just dealing with late grief? Any advice would be really appreciated!!
I would tend to think its a combination. -sometimes people adapt too much. Being very sensitive, and having a feeling its necessary to please. On top of that, some people were ridiculed during school. That might lead to a kind of shut down where only limited and controlled responses are preferred. A possibility would be to open up and show more emotions in general, and even more to people who are trustworthy. Simply a more balanced and maybe even laid back and less up and down like approach, instead of a shut down. . you're trans. That might mean you sometimes switch between being emotional and more rational. A balance might be a good thing. Overall a feeling its ok to show emotions. If others can't handle it, its their fault. And looking for people where its nice to be around. Just where you have the feeling you have the space to be yourself. - I think it should be more than friendship. A feeling its a person you can trust deeply. And you like to be around. - if you do not like compliments, are they connected with a feeling they say it for a purpose, to get something from you ? Or are they connected with that you'd prefer a more male role ? A more male role might be assumed even if you do not pass completely. Its about personality. i had a small male cat once, but believe me he was very dominant. (*hug*)
Thanks for your answer, Jay. An emotional shutdown happened, and I was able to trace it back - A couple of years ago, the "one" just decided to step out. That was just too much. If I ever had hopes on a relationship, it had been that one. I gave literally all a human being can give - time, money, effort, bite your tonge, try to communicate in a healthy manner... I even gave up my place, turned down interesting job offers, and etc... I found out shorty after, that it wasn't as serious for him as it had been for me. We are talking here about a +10 years relationship, since I was a teenager. After this, the emotional shutdown happened. It wasn't something I did on purpose, it was more what others said - that I had changed. I sensed it too, but it was beyond my control, and it also gave me the feeling of unlimmited freedom - I gave me the right to be myself, just myself, and stopped pretending a lot of stuff. And a lot of pressure dissapeared too. I wasn't "in that cage" anymore... And then it clicked - I always felt like a prisioner when I was in a relationship, specially with "the one". So it seemed to me, all my relationships have been rotten from the very beginning. Not because of what others want, but because I'm not able to adapt to that state of "being with someone". I don't know how to deal with that kind of pressure, and it takes too much time and effort... I have read about the aromantic question in AVEN and so on. I don't care if it's not something "proven", what I like is that you have a right to be who you are, and you are not forced to be with someone just to be psychologically normal. To be honest, I was never the one who initiated the "relationship", I let the others take me there... So I'm not sure if I ever really wanted it on the first place. I can be open and even friendly with people, but when I detect some kind of romantic interest, I feel only repulsion and dissapointment. They didn't saw me as a person, just a cute body/face, or "someone to hug"... When I say "you are my friend", and I hear in return "but to me you are something more than that", I just don't get it... We get much more from friends than from a partner - She or he might even demand a divorce if you are gay!! So what kind of "relationship" is that anyways?! I think love and relationships are way too overrated. We shouldn't "need" anyone to feel right, or healthy, or even loved : Friends are there for a reason. And they stay even if you are gay, or sick, or whatever... They like you for being you, they see the real you, not some idealized image they made up themselves so they can love you more. Ok, I know this is all but interesting, still I need to rant/vent, and I'm reaching a point where I need to confront this. I have no idea if this is even related to gender. I don't feel proud of being cold at the wring time, I don't like to see others hurt, this hurts me, I'm not emotionless and I do feel, even if I don't let it show IRL, but I'm fed up of faking it... Can't pretend I'm someone I'm not... I keep hearing things like "you hurt me", and it's hurting me too, 'cause it feels as if I had no choice but to hurt...
Well I would say this is a matter of balance. It is possible that even as a kid you were used to adapt to others. Unconsciously reading their wishes, being an image of what they would like to see. It is different now. Now you have a feeling for who you are. You just feel it, maybe you sometimes need a few minutes alone to come to yourself and be you again, if you have been in a crowd, for example. The wish to be together with someone is likely there... on a deep and emotional level. And more than friendship. You are probably very sensitive. So its now a matter of opening up, seeing and accepting ones wishes, and going out there and seeing what comes along. Unconscious expectations attract very much. If you can let go of old patterns-you might compare which people you have attracted, and why- you can start anew and attract people that can fulfill you. You're not attracted by a certain type of people, yet they show they really like you ? Think again... (just an example for a pattern). Its up to you to communicate your desires, needs and wishes. Here is a very good strategy, by the way: How to Practice Nonviolent Communication: 4 Steps (with Pictures) It might take some practice, but it helps having an understanding and non aggressive communication. You can navigate this. Between your wishes and emotions, and others wishes, and emotions. You are experienced enough now. And remember: keep on keeping on. And there is probably more than one possible partner for you. And have some expectations. If you want to be perceived as male, do it, exude it, it will shine through. People are in all kinds of partnerships. I once read a list of someone with requirements I thought not easy to fulfill. They got their wishes. Its possible. Your expectations and hopes are the fuel. Sometimes if something comes along we shy away, knowing it could be good. Try it out, have some courage. Step up and give it a try. If you look back, you probably had a feeling something was off. Simply learn to listen more to that feeling. But keep on keeping on. Its a matter of balance, just keep going in the direction of your wishes . You could do some anger release, to just finish off the past, and start anew... crushing a pillow, crying, shouting (careful you are alone and nobody can hear it)... grabbing a ball and going to a training place while nobody is there... whatever... or renting a training hour at a kickboxing studio... they should have the equipment for lease, like boxing gloves and a sand bag... you should be able to rent for an hour or two... start slowly to warm up and dont hurt yourself... Till you are exhausted. Its like a line to finish with the past . If you feel you need this. Maybe you are beyond that stage already. (*hug*)
Someone told me here that he attracted a particular kind of girl, everytime it was the same "type". So inmediatly I asked myself if this could have been my case, I tried to identify some pattern there... And I saw three very different people in very different life circumstances, with very different jobs and personalities... And a girl (yes, that girl...) that could have fullfilled me, or at least I loved her for who she was, good and bad and everything in between, but I gave up on her because I wasn't born with the right body, and didn't wanted to dissapoint her, or to see her going away, leaving me for "a real man"... And yes, I admit it : I didn't wanted to be called a lesbian. Nothing against them, it just felt... Wrong for me. Like to put even more emphasis in something that isn't true. Maybe back then I was a coward, or maybe I saved her from a lot of troubles (back then I had no idea who I was, and I'm not sure if relationships can survive during transitioning, I think they all break up because the change is... Let's face it, it's just too much to take for most). Everytime I come here, I get some new hope that it can work for me, that I shouldn't give up. You got it right again: I had to adapt since I was a kid, it was the only way to survive in an enviroment totally hostile towards LGBT folks. I think this is still hiding in some corner of my mind. And it seems that the mask I wore for a long time became somehow alive and self-concious, so now I catch myself often with the mask on, and need to take it off conciously... When it happens I feel just mad at myself. It feels as if I'm doomed to play a role for the rest of my life and can't do nothing against it. Or like reeducating a mad dog that doesn't even dig "fetch" or "food"... It's very frustrating... The problem is that with that mask on I've got a lot from life, really a lot, practically everything I need and more, and I'm afraid that when I face the world just being myself, not only my appearance but my ways, I've got nothing in return but rejection. Yeah, I know I need to get rid of the past. I've heard before from others that I'm "living on the past" or "stuck on the past". The problem is that I can't see a future. I think I had amazing relationships with people who had no idea who they were with, but hey... That was all I was able to reach under the circumstances anyways, so why should I care... Right now I try to picture the hope you gave me, myself next to someone who likes me in spite of all... You were right when you said I'm very sensitive, 'cause for some reason I'm seeing someone I didn't expected at all to appear on my picture... It's also not the person I'm spending some time with right now. And yeah, it's someone from my past again, I just can't picture anything else... I'm not that young anymore, love needs to be young and naive, and all those things I don't feel anymore. I don't think you can fall in love 10 times on a lifetime. I just fell once. It was love, nothing else but love. The rest were not much but "spending my time with you"... Nice, but didn't felt like the real thing at all. Sorry to bother you. I'll try to follow your advice and see where it takes me, hopefully somewhere new... Those things take time, I guess. Thanks for the reply.
it might have been too much then. It were different times. Its not too much now. People are much more accepting, there is much more information, and there is the internet with videos etc. And now you have a feeling for what rings true. Just listen to it and act on it. It does not have to be a mask, just know that you adapt too much sometimes, and be yourself. You are a sensitive and nice person. That all makes you really likable. Of course we all have our own preferences. But this can all be communicated in a grownup manner. With experience you will learn to navigate this better and better. You could take a worksheet of an editor and copy there all the answers that ring true with you or you want to work on... and have a look at it regularly, and work on it... and I would disagree that you can only fall in love for so many times... often we limit ourselves through expectations... you might think about what the core of it is you would like... and see what comes along... (*hug*)
