Hey everyone, This is gonna be long but please read it and tell me what you think, every opinion matters to me I've posted on here a couple times before but I think I finally have an answer for why I've been confused sexually. I'm a 18 year old guy and I think I'm straight. Growing up, I always had crushes on girls and always asked them out but was always rejected, idk why because I'm a good looking guy (not conceitedly). I always checked out girls, got aroused by women either naked or just seeing a pair of boobs in a movie would be enough to get me hard. I always checked girls out naturally, like there was a natural attraction, and have always hoped I would be able to be in a relationship with a girl, have great sex, get married, and have kids. Growing up in school although I was constantly crushing on girls, I was made fun of a lot and told i was gay. I had no idea why and it constantly made me insecure and totally ruined my confidence. I wasn't gay, never had gay thoughts, only was aroused by women, but a lot of kids made fun of me, maybe because my voice was high, i dont know. There wasnt one day in school where I would have to walk past the jocks lunch table and they would shout homo. So even though this happened, I still tried dating girls, talking to them, and be able to make someone like me back or something, and they would all reject me, and I always thought it was because they heard that I was gay or something, and I always thought everyone in school thought this way about me, even though only some would bully me. I always watched straight porn growing up, I used to go through my dads playboys I found and even went through his pictures on his phone one time and saw naked women, and got an instant hardon. Theres so many instances where I'm aroused by women, but this still doesnt make me relax about my sexuality. I feel like I have ocd because I stress about every little thing about myself, the way I look (even though i'm told i'm hot a lot, not trying to be conceited or anything i know how it sounds), my penis size used to bug me so much that I thought everyone around me and in my school must have a bigger one than me (although i've got a pretty big one now, again not trying to be conceited) and was constantly analyzing everything about myself because I did not wanna come off as seeming gay to anyone. I remember I started watching gay porn after a while probably in my sophomore year, I didn't like what it looked like, it disturbed me and felt gross to me, but I was aroused by it a lot. I continued watching gay porn for probably the next 2 years on and off. I finally realized the beginning of my senior year that watching gay porn is gay, for some reason it never dinged on me because I was never attracted to guys outside of gay porn, but I realized I had to stop it. I stopped watching it about a year ago and have been worrying about my sexuality since then. I'm not completely sure about it, but I think I know why I was aroused by gay porn and naked men for a while and this is my reasoning for it: I was aroused by it because It showed a guy having sex with another guy, and it was completely forbidden to me, I tried basically my whole teenage life being bullied and picked on that I was something that I'm not, that once I finally saw gay porn, it was something that was soo forbidden. Since i stopped watching gay porn I've tried to figure out my sexuality, and there are days or weeks when I feel completely straight, look at womens boobs and puss and get raging hardons, and have no arousal to guys at all and can go through pages and pages of naked men and not be turned on. Then I go through days where I feel like I have to test myself to see if I'm actually gay, and I won't be aroused by nude men, until I look at it so much and test myself that it starts arousing me and I get so much anxiety out of looking at them and my heart races, and then women arent able to turn me on. I think this has to do with my insecurity, I feel like I dont have any self esteem enough to be able to seek out women, so I look at other guys in my life that are handsome, seem confident, and look at them as something different from me. I hope this makes sense, because it kind of seems to make sense to me. Again, the only time I'm aroused by men is when I find something about myself that I start picking on, like I think I'm not good looking, my nose is big, and even those these arent true, I worry about them so much that I am jealous over other guys that do have these things, and it sexualizes it. I hope I dont sound ridiculous or dumb for saying this stuff, but its all that makes sense to me. As soon as I stop resisting to looking at naked men, and the anxiety and stress goes away from it and just say "whatever I guess I'm gay", then the attraction to guys goes away, and I cant get aroused by guys anymore. Which is making me think that it is my stress and jealousy that is causing this sexual feeling. I've never wanted to kiss a guy, never had a crush on a guy, never even conjured the thought of being in a relationship with one, but I still fear I'm gay, even though I would never want to me. Not because of what poeple would think, but because I know what It's like to love a woman, and be aroused by women, and when that attraction is there, theres nothing else like it. I've had a girlfriend once, and the most we did was just making out because we didnt have any opportunity to go further, but everytime we made out kissed, or even touched, I would get an instant boner. I was embarressed by it and always tried to hide it, because I'm such a shy guy. I dont think I'm gay because if I have an off day and feel like I'm gay any theres nothing I can do about it and just give into it, suddenly the attraction stops and I'm not even able to become aroused by all the naked guys on there. So maybe the anxiety and stress of the situation is what drives the attraction? So all in all, when I'm confident and feel like my normal self, I'm able to be aroused by women, able to feel comfortable around them and get turned on by seeing them naked. But when I feel low about myself for any reason, either it be the way I look or whatever, I start looking at guys out of jealousy. And also, I have never been aroused by a guy that wasnt 100% ripped, muscular, handsome, or had a large penis. If I see a normal guy with just an average penis, there is absolutely no turn on... so maybe that means something too, like maybe I'm only aroused by them because I think they might be better looking or more well endowed than me? And even if a guy is really muscular and good looking, I wont be the slightest bit attracted if he has a feminine (gay) voice or something or an average penis. idk... If you read all of that, thank you, I dont mean any disrespect about gays, I have 2 gay poeple in my family and love them just like the rest, but it has never been something I wanted to be part of or even thought I would have to be. I'm thinking it is some kind of just psychological thing I'm going through..
If you've never been attracted to a man then the chances of you being bi are very small. (It really doesn't sound like you're gay). It just sounds like you've let other people get to you about your own sexuality, when they are obviously just stereotyping you. Just because you might have some feminine mannerisms doesn't make you gay. I know several more "feminine" men who are very comfortable in the heterosexuality and don't let people get to them who try to call them gay after they point out they're not. Remember, no one knows your sexuality as well as you. Just because people call you gay doesn't make it true. The only thing that makes you gay/bi is being attracted to men.
Hey there! Your post sounds like me! Actually, after reading your post, I find that a lot of what I find attractive in men are the aspects that I wish to see in myself (like a strong buff body). I too never had crushes on guys, and only on girls. I'm a heavy porn user, so I know where you're coming from. However, you must understand that porn is very one dimensional, meaning that it only shows one thing and one thing only: sex. For all we know, the actors in gay porn could be "pay for gay", however we wouldn't know that because the point of the whole video is based off of fantasy. It doesn't sound like you're gay, or even bi at the very least. I know what you mean when you find aspects of a guy attractive in a sense that you wish to see yourself like that. You probably heard of girls saying things like "She has a nice ass!" or "She's soooooo hot", etc. They're basically comparing each other's attributes, and to me that sounds like what you're doing (myself included). You don't hear guys saying things like that, so to you and me it sounds like we're gay, but in actuality we are not. Watching too much porn can also desensitize you to it, so be aware of that.
Your sexual orientation is about who you like and not what others think of you. If you are gay and someone calls you "fag" they are an obnoxious person if you are straight and they call you "fag" they just as obnoxious. If someone is camp it doesn't make them gay if they are "straight acting" they are not necessarily straight. I have been refused entry into a gay club because I was too straight looking! If you sometimes feel "confused" don't worry about it don't put a label on yourself. At that moment you "like" a particular person and that is all. If that person is a girl or a guy , so what. All I'm saying is be yourself and accept yourself no matter what, regardless of what others think.
Don't be scared, it's okay to be straight... And it's okay to appreciate the beauty of a muscular guy, or whatever. Doesn't make you gay. If you aren't physically/sexually attracted to guys, you're not gay. I asked out maybe 5 or 6 girls in high school and was shot down or friend-zoned. Doesn't build up your self-confidence at all being rejected, I know that feeling. I had about the same luck in college. Never really got past kissing, and cuddling with any of them. I always thought I was tall, skinny, ugly and that nobody would ever like me, let alone love me. Now, when I show guys and girls a picture of me in high school, they are like, oh, you were so cute back then. Nobody told me that back then. I would have had so much more confidence in myself. People even call me handsome now. Work on your accepting who you are, and being comfortable with your body, and self-image. I would stop worrying about your sexuality, and get out there and live your life.
Thanks everyone for the feedback, I'm gonna stay away from it all and get out more. I just got a job and feel so much better already being out and getting my mind off things. It must be psychological that I can get arousal to gay porn but not to any pictures of men. Anal and male kissing grosses me out honestly but its the other stuff that can get me turned on if I let it, but just seeing a picture of naked women gets me going and lesbian porn turns me on a lot, so I guess I'll see where it goes from here.
