I need some help. No one I know understands. I'm a 20 year old woman, about to be 21. And I struggle with my sexuality everyday. I never liked boys. Since I was a little girl, I always thought women were beautiful. I first noticed girls in a different light when I was 10. I knew then I wasn't...straight. I was different. I was open about it, because my mother taught me there was never anything wrong with love. I went through a lot of hate at school, my estranged father, my friends even. When I was 16, I started dating boys. I liked the...feeling of being safe? I still don't know how to put it. But kissing men, touching them, it makes me want to vomit. Not like 'oh I hate men', but it feels hollow and just not right. I still look women, but I don't make any moves. I still date men, even though, I have to really like the person to touch them. Even then, it never feels right. Growing up in a college town, I did the bar hopping and hooking up with guys thing to make it better. In my mind, ya know? It ended the same very time. Crying. Am I bisexual? Pan? Lesbian? I don't know. I have two best friends. My first best friend, I have known since I was a small child. I think I fell for her when I was 15. But she is straight, and I would never, ever want to change her. I would rather be a friend than lose her. But it hurts. My current boyfriend, he has been my best friend for 6 years. He doesn't understand that I would rather watch Netflix and hang out with him than have sex. Am I wrong for being this way? I care about him. Love him even. But maybe not the way I should. Have I been lying to myself for too long? What the hell is wrong with me? I feel guilty...depressed all the time. Sometimes I struggle to even get out of bed I just feel...hollow. All the time. I'm afraid.
Hello ddgink, welcome to EC! Only you can think about your feelings and conclude about your orientation. From what you said in your post, it looks like you are lesbian (or gay, if you prefer), but, even if we can help you to discover more about yourself, only you know your orientation. If you prefer to not use any labels, that's fine too, of course! There is nothing wrong in being non-straight, it is perfectly normal. There is no shame on that, and no need to feel guilty. No. Sexual orientation is something that you can't choose. You love whoever you love, and that's fine. If you conclude you are indeed LGBT, it is perfectly fine to take the "news" slowly! This forum is a great place to seek for more advice through the whole process, if you need! Hugs
You have no idea how warm that made me inside. Thank you so much. I don't really know what I'm doing in this stage of my life.
Glad to be of help! It has been less than 1 year since i came out myself, so i know it can be a hard process. Feel free to ask for more advice and just chit-chat here on the forum. I recommend taking a look at the Resources page too, there are lots of useful stuff there! Empty Closets - Resources
I only came out a few months ago and it does take a while getting used to it. Now for the poster, ddgink, it looks like you are a homosexual [gay/lesbian] based on what you wrote. It's normal to feel safe in an opposite sex relationship because you know you will be accepted and it is considered 'normal.' But I assure you, being normal should really mean being yourself, naturally. Remember labels are only words, that are meant to help describe someone in a word to make things easy. Just be yourself, its your life to live so make it good!
Ah my heart is with you here. I was with a guy for years and he was my best friend, too. It was all very confusing and towards the end full of guilt. It took time to get through that and it nearly destroyed me. It wasn't until I took myself out of the relationship that I was able to think clearly about what I really wanted. You will get there. Take your time but also be brave and don't stay in a situation which doesn't make you happy.
Hello there You don't have to be afraid. Trust me - everything takes time. Even in the darkest periods you have to know that it only takes a little time and everything's going to be alright. I'm a lesbian, but when I was young, I was thinking I was straight or just bisexual. But years passed by, I had boyfriends, but every time something was missing. It was ok and nice to be with them, to talk with them, to hug them, but the physical part...I just couldn't feel it right. Never. I have always thought it's just a matter of time, but this time hasn't come and here I am - almost 30, I haven't been with a man, because at some point I just realized - I didn't want to, because that was not me. It takes a while to meet yourself. And often you go through struggles, because it's hard sometimes. But you have to learn how to love yourself and forgive yourself (yes, sometimes you could feel mad at yourself for being different). And know that not everyone realize they like the same sex, when they are young. Sometimes you feel something is missing in your straight relationship and after that you realize you are not in a right one. By the way, ask yourself this question - Am I attracted to men? and Am I attracted to women?
From what you're saying, that you've always only been attracted to girls, you seem quite gay. That being said, plenty of lesbians have dated men and enjoyed certain parts of it. But if the thought of having kissing or having sex with one grosses you out that should tell you something. I'm the same age as you and only just realized I'm gay (with ECs help). I never thought I was because I was attracted to guys too but now that I'm older and faced with the choice of actually dating one and having sex, I am clearly not gay. And I'm fine with it. It's a lot less scary to come out as gay then to imagine staying in the closet the rest of your life.
@ddgink there's nothing wrong with you, but if you told your best friend, why would you change her? You couldn't if you wanted, so maybe tell her (subtly?)
You don't really seem to enjoy men sexually, that would make you a lesbian. If it doesn't seem right it probably not the right fit. Try the other side and you can compare.
