I want to apologize in advance because I want to keep this short, but since I can't really talk to anyone about what's going on with me right now, this is really the only place I can let my feelings out. I have posted a few times before kind of explaining how it's been about a month since I started questioning my sexuality, and I've been obsessing over it ever since. Basically, I've always been straight, and up until a month ago, I had never really thought about liking women or anything. I just woke up one day and thought... "what if you're gay?" and the thought scared me so much it triggered my anxiety in a way that had never happened before. I couldn't move from my bed, I couldn't eat, I either slept all day or didn't sleep at all, I would cry myself to sleep sometimes, and... it was just... a nightmare, honestly. I started avoiding a lot of things. I stopped talking to my friends, I stopped going out, I stopped going online, I stopped watching TV-- all of this because seeing girls would make all these "what if" questions come back, trigger my anxiety, and so on... In a few replies to my previous posts, some people told me I had HOCD, which is a form of OCD in which you question your sexuality and are scared that you are turning gay, and a lot of other things. I looked it up online, and basically everything that said there checked out with how I felt-- Whenever I started questioning, I'd imagine kissing girls, having sex with them, being in a relationship with them, etc..., all of this just to be repulsed by it (therefore giving me reassurance that I was straight), but then sometimes, after I was repulsed by it, my mind would instantly go "what if this means you're just deeply in the closet" and then it was just a never ending cycle of obsessing over stuff, forcing myself to think about things or repeat certain things until I got rid of the anxiety that came with it all. Anyways, it did sound like I had HOCD, but then I read somewhere on this site that you have to be diagnosed (by a professional) with OCD before, because HOCD doesn't stand alone, and I have never been diagnosed with OCD. I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, but that is a completely different thing! So that must mean that I'm turning gay, because I don't have OCD! And thinking that is giving me more anxiety than before- I want to cry all the time, and I'm back to my "I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't eat" situation that I was in before. I don't like girls! I don't want to be in a relationship with one, nor do I want to have sex with one. I've never had crushes on any girls... but then today I saw a picture of this girl and thought "wow, she's beautiful" and my mind instantly went "YOU'RE GAY" but... ugh I'm so scared. I'm really, really scared that this means that I'm gay. I just want to grow up and marry the man of my dreams, have kids... but I'm confused. and I can't figure it out. I've literally only ever had crushes on guys and major crushes! Even now I HAVE A CRUSH ON A GUY, but my anxiety and my thoughts are getting the best of me, and the fact that I actually love this guy isn't sticking to my head, yet all these unwanted thoughts are. IF YOU STUCK AROUND THIS LONG, then thank you so, so much! Any advice, really any, would be gravely appreciated. I feel like shit, and I don't know what to do... :/
Inner-homophobia? Try thinking about why being gay would be such a bad thing. If you just find the whole idea of being with a woman repulsing, that's fine, but I really don't get why it's bothering you so much... I know nothing about OCD and that type of stuff, so my advice won't be great. Maybe you should hook up with a guy? How have you been taught to view homosexuality and are you homophobic, or is your family? Whatever it is, you should go out and party or whatever. Be careful with the anxiety though.
Oh, no! No, no, no! I am in no way, shape or form homophobic! I've had arguments with my friends and family about how it's totally okay to be gay, and stuff like that. I guess it's mostly bothering me because I know that I'm straight, yet my mind is trying to confuse me and tell me that maybe I'm not when I don't even have feelings for other girls, you know? It's confusing. :/
My personal opinion is that you do not have inner homophobia (at least from what you posted). I've been talking with my psychologist and it sounds like I may have OCD, and judging by all your questions, it would be a good idea to talk to someone who is more familiar with this field. Gay people don't question their orientation 24/7 like OCD sufferers do. If someone is gay, they don't perform checks on themselves or have unpleasant thoughts about their fantasies. If you continue to question yourself, then you need to find out why. If you find an answer, will it be good enough for you to stop asking yourself?
