feeling lost: am I an denial about sexuality or is it my anxiety

Hi everyone,

This is a bit of a long one but I'd really appreciate your opinions.

I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning. When I was about 13/14 I had a huge crush on a guy (and a few other guys) at school. My family enjoy teasing one another about each others flaws, which I really dislike. I hate attention (particularly negative attention) being drawn to me. I'm also very shy and sensitive. One evening my family were out and a family member said "is there anybody at school that you like?" and I said "no" because I didn't want the attention even though there was a boy that I liked. She replied in a very matter of fact voice "oh, well you might be a lesbian". I was totally shocked and told my two other family members who were shocked she would say such a thing to a shy teenager going through puberty.

I went off to uni and thought about it occasionally as I'm very sensitive to what others say about me. A few years after I went to uni and I started kissing and meeting guys. It further confirmed to me that I was straight.... based on my feelings, thoughts, fantasies, bodily reactions etc. Every now and again, a member of family (who is married to the outspoken other member of family) said "maybe you're gay". To which I'd reply "I'm not". I would feel totally confident about my answer but afterwards, it would send me into a downward spiral... why does somebody close to me think I'm gay? What is it about me that makes them think that? Do they see something about me that I'm not seeing? I'd go back to uni and meet some guys and my brothers comments would fade into the background.

Then a few years ago I got severe body odour, so dating was out of the question. I was literally mourning the fact that I'd never get married or have children and would cry myself to sleep nearly every night. I couldn't go out- so I couldn't meet any guys and even if i did, I felt that they would repulse me anyway based on the odour. I couldn't see any way out- I wasn't able to work, I wasn't able to socialize, have friends or boyfriends and my family weren't very supportive of me. I found out just in time what was causing it thanks to a wonderful doctor. It was something that was very simple but overlooked by many doctors. He saved my life because had he not known what was wrong with me I would have committed suicide.

Early last year I got better. It was a gradual process. My body is better, but my mind is not. I have what must be terrible social anxiety because of the illness that I had. I'm easily startled, afraid to talk to people, hate crowds and I also must get regular panic attacks.

I've gone from thinking men are out of the question based on my illness to they are now a possibility. However, I'm finding it very difficult to meet them despite having joint lots of things.

So, I bet you are thinking.... what's the problem?

Well, during the summer I went out with a friend and two of her friends neither of which I knew before. I had been talking to one of the girls just to make conversation (and also to practice conversation without my odour problem). It was going fine. Then the other girl came along. We both said "hi" to one another. Then when I looked away she looked at me again and I thought "omg, she's picking up one the odour" and I looked at her again. Then I had to kind of talk myself out of thinking like that, seeing as it wasn't as bad anymore (at that stage). I thought I'd better be welcoming, polite, friendly and nice. The girl that arrived first had her head down and looked like she didn't want to talk at all (she suffers from anxiety/ depression). I thought I couldn't direct conversation to my friend seeing as I already knew her and I didn't want to freeze the new girl out. Well, basically everytime I did she kept cutting me short. It took me a few times to realise what she was actually doing. I was
a little upset but I realised she thought I was hitting on her.

Then during the night... my friend kept analysing my every move. It made me really self-conscious. Added to the fact that I was already feeling awkward because it was the first night I had been out without having an odour problem and (even today... a year later) I still think about it and all the hurtful comments I received.

I got over that and thought that maybe a change of scene might be good for me. It was for the most part but there has been a few occasions where I get randomly turned on when I sit beside someone or if someone sits beside me... and usually they are women. I tend to meet more women than men through work and during hobbies that I have. The thing is, I'm not in any way attracted to them. I couldn't imagine myself with them. Although, I do notice that I get into a panic and overanalyse when I talk to the person. I have so much going on in my head when I'm talking to someone.

Also, I have a tendency to look at other women. I have very low self esteem. I'm constantly thinking- I wish I was skinny like her so I could wear nice clothes, both of which would make me more attractive to the opposite sex.
There was a time when I lost weight and stopped all that comparing. It was great!

Anyway, basically I want to know who or what I am. I feel totally lost. I keep hearing people saying/ asking each other - "is she a lesbian?" The comments from one particular family not been helpful. Whenever I say I'm not gay to him... He'd say.. Well you are in denial.. Or maybe you are bi.

Thing is, I don't want to be... It's not what would make me happy.

 

Anyone?

 

Hi greatwhale,

Thank you so much for your post. I really appreciate it.

With regards to being turned on when women sit beside me. I don't really understand it.. Like, when I used to have an odour problem I used to have such a massive panic attack... and be very uncomfortable when someone would sit beside me. Now, I'm better in my body but my mind - habits and feelings (avoidance/ panic attacks) are still the same.

The physical sensation I get by women.. Doesn't seem to be based on anything. Like the other day I randomly got turned on by a woman that I don't find attractive ( in many ways) and would be sick at the thought of having sex with her. The next day, I'm not turned on by her at all- no physical sensations.

I guess I'm not used of people being in close proximity to me ... Seeing as I feared that when I used to smell.

I still very much get turned on by men... But I don't meet them as often as women unfortunetly.


I could not see myself going on dates with another woman. It wouldn't feel natural to me as a person... Not because of society.

Fantasies about women- not really. I'd almost say never. I have watched straight porn before.. And on the whole I don't think that's good for the mind at all... Really regret it now.

I've never had a crush on another woman.

Making me happy sentence: I would not be happy because I don't think lesbianism is for me at all. It's not what I imagined for my life. It's basically not what I want at all. The whole thing with society doesn't bother me too much.

 

Hi lil star,
I have since recovered from my odour problem physically but mentally I haven't.

Jax12 this is what a very close online friend has suggested to me. In fact he knew I wasn't gay. I have lots and lots of worries and get panicked and paranoid about things and ruminate about them and he's been very kind in helping me through them.

I have read that anxiety and worrying about being gay can cause physical sensations to members of the same sex.

Also jax12 your comment about taking a deep breath has really helped. I don't see a woman as anything else but an acquaintance/ friend / colleague. Like I don't have any feelings in that way for them.

All I want right now is a boyfriend!!!

Am going to counselling to try and work on social skills/ anxiety.

 

Why do you say that?

 

I don't get it- so many people think I'm gay except for me!! The fact they doubt me makes me wonder if I am...


Then again I'm a very nervous, indecisive and unsure person...

 

Thestorminside, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I think you are very right in what you say. I am totally letting other people define me.

And no, I haven't really had much of an opportunity to interact with men. Like, take for example... I went out for a night out... And was delighted at the presence of so many members of the opposite sex(men) in the bar! I've ALWAYS felt like that.

I don't look or dress masculine in any way. As far as I can see anyway. I love girly clothes, make up, ON ME.

Being with a man feels right tome. Tony gut etc

When I think of being with a women... And have only thought about it because of other people's comments.... But it doesn't sit with me well... It makes me sick... Feels unnatural to me.

 

True... Don't know how to let go of it though. I'm so bad at talking to people and afraid of people when they get too close in a conversation.