Hello! I found this board while googling and needed a place to spill my guts. Sorry if this is a long post but I have a lot to tell. In a nutshell, I am genetic male, turning 30 and confused about my sexual and gender identity. I will try to explain as best I can. Ever since I was a child I have had a fluid attitude towards gender. I knew I was a boy, but I wished very often I was a girl. I would think nothing of dressing up in my moms stuff, and I was the bane of her makeup bag for many years. Even at a young age, my affinity was strongly with all the females in my family. I have never felt much of a connection to my father, even though he was a good dad and always there for me. Getting into school I realized quickly that this behavior was not "normal" and basically got on with being a boy, fighting, getting dirty and getting girlfriends. But I was always aware I was suppressing the more feminine side of me. I have no interest in the usual male activities and always had more female friends than male. As a teenager I went through a very androgynous period and my cross dressing re-emerged. But as I moved into my 20s, out of college and into the workplace, I naturally presented more as a typical male out of social conformity if nothing else. I dont like my body being covered in hair (I dont have much but the little I do have bothers me no end). I remove pretty much all but my forearm hair. To be clear, I am pretty sure I am neither male or female "in my head", but a jumble of both. But living and presenting as a "typical" male is not making be happy, but I fear presenting more of my feminine side to workers, friends, the world, etc. Nobody wants to be thought of as "the dude in the dress". Sexually - for the longest time, though I had other fantasies, I was happy being interested in the female of the species, but recently it has become much more complicated. I am dating a beautiful, sexually vibrant girl right now, but I find it hard to get excited about her. I find myself admiring/envying her more than being attracted to her on a sexual level. I also think telling her how I feel is pretty much out of the question at this point as we are still pretty new to each other. Also my sexual fantasies basically ALL revolve around being penetrated/submissive. But I find men absolutely repulsive. That is the part I find most confusing of all. The only part of a man I find attractive is the phallic part. The idea of being penetrated *and I have tried and enjoyed it more than once in the past* and playing the female role is far more arousing to me than being the male role. So.....I dont know. Can anyone make head or tail of me? I find the idea of transitioning to a female terrifying and not something I would really want to go through. I also kind of dont believe I COULD be a convincing woman. Though my face is not very masculine, its certainly not girly. But I feel more and more female within myself. Though at the same time, I am still attracted to females.....I think. :bang::lol: To just complicate things, I live abroad, so getting counselling in English is pretty much impossible. Thanks for reading!
:welcome: Welcome to EC!!! you are definitely in the right place. I'm surprised that there would be no counselors in Berlin who can speak English, but you would know best! You might check with your embassy to see if they have lists of providers who speak English. That's one of the services that embassies provide to their citizens. EC is also a great place to be. It is a bit like going to therapy groups, and there are designated advisers who also jump in with good advice. I think that we are all a jumble of feelings and it takes a lot of life and experiences to figure ourselves out. I was wondering as I read your thread if you might be looking for someone like yourself, someone who is biologically male but not very male in any other way? someone who is fluid? I know that it's not something that you can resolve with just a question or two, but you have taking the first steps on your journey of discovering who you are. Happy trails! (&&&)
You probably aren't cis and you seem pretty aware of that, but if you're still questioning exactly what gender identity you are, I would say that you should look at different identities and see what seems right. It's okay to fluctuate between identities as you're still figuring all of this out. As for your sexual orientation, it seems to me that you are attracted to women only, even if being penetrated is a turn on for you. You could always see if your partner would be willing to wear a strap on. For me, personally, being attracted to men/women/non-binary people isn't just about what parts they have, and you can find men unattractive but still like people with penises. There's a lot of factors that go into romantic and sexual attraction.
