So I've always been emotionally, romantically and sexually drawn towards men. All of my "crushes" have been men and honestly I don't think I've ever fallen for a woman before. I came out to myself as gay in 2011 and things felt right but I fell into depression and anxiety because I was convinced no one would ever accept me for who I was. Despite my coming out though, I still felt like I was "different" from other gay men. To me, romance and establishing an emotional connection took an incredibly more prominent precedence over my sexual urges. I hooked up with guys even if they were not attractive just to get the idea of sex "over and done with" but I felt I just never was turned on with them. Even as a child I never really thought about sex other than wanting to be "close" to a guy, ie hold his hands, cuddling, kissing etc. I had this massive anxiety attack which lasted the entire year of 2014 where I had these "what if" thoughts pop into my head where they tried to convince me that what if I was actually bisexual rather than gay and that really worried me simply because it felt foreign and weird to me. As I said, I never thought about women that way before and so all of sudden to be "made" to feel that way was so bizarre. The driving force behind those thoughts was that because I felt low sexually and was not as interested in sex as much meant that I was definitively not a homosexual but something else. I voiced these thoughts here and some really lovely people suggested I look things through the lens of a homo-romantic demisexual and I guess I embraced that label very well, things felt right to be honest. I love men emotionally and romantically more than anything when it comes to sexuality so I accepted that. What still bothers me though is that I have anxiety flare ups a lot of the times and those "What if you're bi" thoughts keep flooding my mind. I have become better at handling those thoughts but there are moments, like now, where they just seem to drown me out. Is it a normal to have denial thoughts in the coming out process as a gay person? I just feel like I have these thoughts telling me "being gay is not really normal, you're not going to get anywhere it, no one will accept you, the future is bleak" so Idk. The reason the bi part keeps flooding my mind is because I'm ethnically South Asian, Indian, and come from a religious, Catholic, background so I feel like if indeed I was bisexual then family will throw that "there absolutely no excuse why you should be with a guy because you just need the right girl since it is possible for you to be with a girl" My anxiety feels like such a liar though because I cannot picture anything romantic with women let alone emotionally in a relationship setting so I just don't know anymore. I just want definite closure that I am gay but it is all just so very confusing So sorry for the essay.:bang:
It's a pity that we -homosexual people, often have to go through very tough periods because of such thoughts. In my opinion, sexuality doesn't change. But we have been raised, thinking it is "normal" to feel sexually attracted to and to have sex with the opposite sex & it is "abnormal" to be the opposite. If you are straight, such thoughts just don't exist in your mind. If you are gay, especially if you are that type of THINKING person, you definitely will question yourself. And not because you are not sure of your sexuality, but because society force you to. If you live your life as a straight person, society won't wait for you to "change". But if you are gay, everyone will always wait for you to "change", because we just are getting raised this way. It's just a pressure. Nothing more. You are who you are. Sexuality probably will never change, but sometimes some people change it - because of fear, because it's easier or because of something else - lying to yourself is different than changing who you are.
Hi Serph, I'm so sorry that you are struggling and hurting. Hugs to you. I believe that your sexuality, whatever it may be, will one day show itself. I don't think it particularly healthy to spend so much time obsessing over your sexuality. I would suggest every time you begin to obsess , do something constructive and healthy to keep your mind busy.
I can't help but over think and obsesses. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this and plus being introverted and bad social anxiety, things just get really hard. It's like every time I turn the television, watch a movie, read the news paper or whatever, I feel like there is absolutely no representation out there for me as a gay person. All I see are jabs taken at gay people on television, "alternative sexualities" peddled as crass jokes for the hetero-nromative audience. Being demisexual too is hard because I feel I can't fit in with other gay people, especially gay men, so I just feel like I'm broken and abnormal. Honestly I just want to know what it is like to feel recognized for who I am and have a guy actually like me but clearly that is never going to happen if I constantly over think things and make everything worse. It is all just a vicious cycle
Serph, thank you for your informative reply. I'm so sorry you hurting and struggling. One day at a time. (*hug*)
