Sooo, gonna put it all out here, I need help, badly. I've considered myself bisexual now for a while. Many of my friends and family know at this point. I am in a committed relationship that is about to go to marriage. I am struggling. I've never been with a man, but I can't reasonably enjoy sex anymore without her in a strap on or spending a good amount of time on top of me in one capacity or another. That's not to say however I don't enjoy the feeling of being inside her, but boobs only look good to me in skimpy shirts or with a cute/sexy outfit. I still think about and become horny to big attractive men and penis every day, but I can't say the same about boobs or vagina other than maybe imagining myself having boobs. Boobs and vagina just are, and as sexable as they might be, it's vanilla. I'm constantly fighting with "contempt" with my current partner. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been told by her it's because of my sexual deviancy, but I just can't buy that. Gone are the days when I would have sex with myself or masturbate and feel shame or immediately be turned off by the concept that I just did it thinking about having a man on top of me. In many cases, thinking about it after now is an immediate turn on. I shave everything, almost solely wear male panties with cute designs, thongs, leggings, short shorts (male clothes - not CD), tighter shirts, work on my figure, apply lots of beauty products like skin toners and lotion. I still notice women, more than men though on the street. I think in general women are more prone to be sucked into the sexual appearance industry than men and spend more time showing well taken care of skin. Also, men keep themselves covered rather well in unflattering baggy clothes. However, at the park, when the fit men come out to play I can't help but watch them with great interest (at the fear of being caught by my fiance who knows). Such was the case with the extremely tall, dark and handsome Asian man who walked by me yesterday with his GF. Yet I find myself turned off by things like beards, hair features, and unkept men Then again, I don't like hairy women either, or hair on myself so there is that. I've gone my whole life with horrifying thoughts. For instance, I would be talking to a male CEO, vendor, sales rep, executive, whatever at work who I didn't know well and I would just imagine reaching over and kissing him passionately. I would shake the thoughts immediately, out of a mix of fear, repulsion, and the general practice of avoiding sexual assault. This is not something that happens with women. I don't have those "urge thoughts." Yet I see women walking down the street in short shorts and a bare mid-riff thinking, "I'd hit that." You know, if I wasn't in a relationship (I won't cheat). Yet I don't see myself topping men (other things but), yet watching vaginal sex/porn doesn't do enough for me either. It's always anal and always because I imagine myself as the girl. I've always had girlfriends, yet sex has always been a problem in the relationship. It's like I lose interest. Although, my therapist suggested it might not just be related to sex, but also how I treat my partner in terms of attention but I am still working on figuring this one... I don't think I want to get married, I went through with it for a lot of different pressure and expectation, also however, because I really do love her and I think that needs to be emphasized as well, my love for her. Now, it was 5 days later and the dress was bought, venues are being booked and explored, money is being spent, I feel like a Mario ghost following her. Next year apparently isn't a damn option, no matter how I try to explain it. It always comes back to what's inconvenient or not feasible. Now I worry about my dad not getting grand kids, disappointment, hurting my fiance, finding out after it's over that being with a man isn't what I wanted. Yet I can sit here and tell you I've probably fantasized about romantic settings with men as many times as I have sexual settings with men. Or even worse, just ending up in another relationship with a girl whose not nearly as accepting of what I wear and want in bed. This stupid situation goes back (at least with sexual fantasies) to when I was 13 I think. Maybe earlier. I was thinking I should tell my dad I am bisexual, I am afraid though he will tell me I shouldn't get married. Half my friends think I should, others are very against it as they say I am in no place to get married. Yet when I have these talks with her, she's very adamant that we can work. She points out that I will always have fights in other relationships, and while she makes her case many times, I am always left 50/50. There is a child involved that isn't mine, making this life change and reverting later hurts a lot of people. I feel so guilty and powerless. Like my indecision is going to commit mass genocide on everyone's emotional spectrum. I'm starting to doubt that I am bisexual, maybe just a more extreme case of bicurious or maybe I think the thought of men is more than the touch and power of them. Is that possible? I've put it all out there for you all. Please, what is this that I feel all the time...
Ugh what a sticky situation. I'm so sorry that you are in pain and struggling. (*hug*) I have no words of wisdom. I do feel that it is good that your fiance knows what you are going through. Just be sure to let her know that you will continue struggling with your issues for some time after the marriage. Hope that helped. (*hug*)
im pretty much in the exact same shoes as you. don't know what to do either. either i hurt everyone, go into a path unknown that will maybe eventually make me more happy even though its not what i want to do or i stay and are comfortable as i got it..
Ugh, I feel for both of you. You both have to deal with your own doubts and issues which already bad enough. On top of that you both have the added pressure of disappointing people and you folks fear ruining people lives. :bang: (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
Bonjour to you all, I very much can relate to your story Ada M7, and although I am unable to give you an easy answer, I want to share with you how I see your situation, through my biases. My girlfriend is an angel, straight from heaven if there is such a thing. I’m sure you feel the same for yours. I love her very much and her family as well and it is reciprocal. Although we are not planning on getting married, we are talking about having children and we have been together for a few years by now. I am a caring and sensitive individual, always looking after everybody’s wellbeing and happiness. My girlfriend is built on the same mold as me. We’ve undergone some work on ourselves to see where this behaviour comes from and are learning to recognize and to question it when it shows up. We came to the conclusion that we are very good at neglecting our own feelings, even basic ones, and have a difficult time making decisions, even easy ones as well… I use “easy” because it seems natural for others, for people that appear to me grounded with their feelings and self. I’m also sure that you’ve noticed it in individuals around you. I believe the secret is there, with this connection with oneself, and that to listen to it, to you, this honesty in sum, comes with a price. I say I believe because I haven’t experienced it fully yet. I haven’t felt it entirely yet. But it’s there, deep down within me. And I feel that there is an energy associated with it that can shine through any boredom, depressed eyes and fear. When reading your text, I could relate this feeling of entrapment you are in and the infinite questions it provoke; what are these feelings and what if those feelings, those desires are simply that; desires. Is it only a cycle, like urges that come through the night and that an orgasm can postpone? What will she think of me if I expose my insecurities? What will they think of me? Am I even sure of what I want and need? How can I be sure about it? For me, the answer, I feel, is in this honesty. And this honesty is found by looking at who you are and what you have done. Memories sometimes are very much revealing, when given the weight they deserve. When you say you wear more and more male panties, shave everywhere and work on your figure… By doing this you must feel desirable. What kind of desire are you trying to attract, or to succumb to… I don’t feel the need to name what I am when talking about my sexuality or my attraction, I don’t want to compartmentalize it yet. But I remember for an example, when I was working in a hotel a few years ago, that I could not suppress the excitement I would have when I went, alone, for a first naked shower in a public restroom, even though I always despised the thought of going in public showers in school. I stayed alone the whole time but I felt sexy and I wanted to be desired… And this vulnerability was strangely empowering. I wanted to be seen and taken. What I want to tell you, in a nutshell because I have to go back to work, is that I too often mute my own feelings for “higher purposes” that are making me, in the long run, unhappy, dishonest and miserable even though I have been blessed with life. I strongly feel, as I felt when I subscribed on empty closet a few months ago, and as I am writing those lines, that I’m honest with myself in doing so. I also feel that everybody deserve to be happy and true and to finish with a quote I like: “The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful” Oscar Wilde. Sincerely, Almasy
It sounds like you are experimenting with your fiance, you have been open and honest with her and she is accepting. I think that is an important first step. As for what your friends might think, that should not be your top focus. They will probably accept you no matter what and those that don't aren't really your friends anyway. I have had a similar situation with my gf and although we are just starting to talk very seriously about a future together, I have doubts. Several of my friends have talked about doubts before marriage, even in happy relationships. I also lost someone I cared tremendously for in the past to explore sexually and I have felt regret. Maybe one day I would want to be with someone else and I do at times have intense longing and periods of regular sexual/ physical attraction to others but at the end of the day, I know this person is irreplacable to me because she loves me for who I am. I can't tell you what is right for you but if she is willing to love all of you (bi-sexual, female looking clothing and experiment with you in the bedroom), it might be hard to find someone like that, in either sex. I've not found many quality partners (who aren't focused on primarily sex IAR to be very open and those people haven't been as emotionally connected). Your therapist, if he/she knows you well, may be onto something. I know I push people away with sex and other ways when I get worried I'm getting emotionally too close or scared about the future. That's been a problem for me and I'd say you have to make yourself happy too but it's easy to date around for a long time and have the sex you desire but not find the partners who emotionally fulfill you. That is hard to leave behind for me so while I know fantasies and even intense periods of desire will come and go, someone who loves you ultimately for who you are can be very difficult thing to find and that process can take many years. I would consider that you may be bi-curious also. It could be either. Yielding to temptation as one might suggestion, can end up making you hurt others you love and unhappy on a long search for someone who will emotionally fulfill you. I bet your fiance would be willing to think about a longer engagement if you explained to her that you are most concerned with making your relationship work but if you want therapy to consider how to be with another, that may be like you are already looking for someone else. I'd also consider who you are shaving and taking care of your figure for. Is it so others will notice you and want / sexually desire you? If so, maybe you want to get focused on what you and your partner want first- before starting to present yourself as a single person. That's just my experience. I hope you find the answer you are seeking. You said your fiance knew about your sexual interest in other men. Maybe she is becoming more accustomed to it and probably will not be bothered by it much, over time.
It sounds a bit like genderfluid, or androgyne to me... you might express that in a non sexual way, trying to satisfy parts of you in a way you feel adequate... You might think about deepening your partnership. Exchanging fantasies... If you are so inclined, you could look up for exercises for pairs to exchange and use sexual energies. Like breathing in the same rhythm... massages... etc. That way you could have the feeling part of your sexual energy is kind of transmuted into love. The male energy sometimes is looking for a release. This way it could be more like a flowing river. (*hug*)
