Hi all, I posted on another thread about my depression and me coming out, but now I'm confused. Well, to sum things up I wasn't ready to come out just yet, but it I came out for the sake of a relationship with this one guy, didn't work out. Ever since then I started to question myself and I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be in a relationship with a man, well because I've been secretly attracted to them for over 10 years now. The reason I'm questioning this now is because back then I was never okay with me being gay. Growing up the option to date another boy was not an option, I was raised to think that happiness and a successful marriage was always with a girl. So I "dated" girls at a very young age, around 6 or maybe 8, I don't really know. All the way up to middle school where sex became a thing now. That's when I discovered what my mind went towards the most, which was guys. I've had crushes on some of my male class mates, but never told anyone. I was trying not to think like that so I tried my hardest to do the easiest thing ever back then, try to find a girlfriend, it was easier on myself to get girlfriend. But I always told myself, "If I ever get a girlfriend, all these thoughts will go away and I will magically then be attracted to her." Well the time came where around the age of 15 I hooked up with this girl of a friend, my first thought wasn't, "oh yeah I'm finally getting with this girl", no, my first thought, right when I made out with her was, "this is nasty." I didn't feel comfortable, I was actually worried that I might have caught something. That situation alone didn't confirm to me that I was gay. So both through middle school and high school I was always thinking about guys, but I was also trying to see myself with a girl, but the thoughts about guys were stronger. So now I'm finishing my last year in college and that's where all this confusion started. Like i said before, I decided to come out this year, and my body shut down. This led to my depression. Also at the time I was dealing with a bunch of work and I was thinking WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT MY FATHER WOULD SAY. I remember my childhood always revolving around me trying to please my father, but we were never close. Anyway all of this made me go into depression around October 2014. Now I feel like I'm not that depressed anymore, but I can't think straight anymore. Like my mind won't let me think like how i used too, that being that my attraction towards guys is, not gone, but I can't find myself focusing on that anymore. That being said, this led me to question if I could be attracted to girls, which made me more confused, especially when my mind shut down this gave me a chance to check out girls more. Anyway, like I said before I no longer feel depressed, but I can't think how I used to, which is bothering me, because most of the time I feel neutral and I just want to find an answer. The thing is that right now I can think about girls sexually, but I don't get turned on like before when I thought about men. Before I came out, just thinking about a guy turned me on, but I don't now anymore. so this led me to ask this community for some advice, could it be that I'm gay, straight, or bi. I know I need time on this, but I'm just an impatient guy. Hopefully I can get feedback on this. And I'm sorry if it's too long. (I think it is)
It kind of sounds like your gay to me, but only you would truly know. Be patient and know that anything you are is okay because it is a part of who you are
Thanks for the reply. Well, I think so too, but my mind is not working for me right now. Something to add to this is that I remember always filtering out certain things so that no one would ever hint that I was gay, that being the type of clothes I would wear, the way I would stand, the way I would talk, the tv shows that I would see, the music I would listen to, and even the things I would draw (I'm an artist by the way). But you're right, I need to be patient and I just have to be comfortable with whoever I become, without the filters. But I'm an impatient guy...:lol:
Hi! I too was raised to believe in only dating and marrying the opposite sex. But I still like girls. I remember completely suppressing those feelings. I started going through puberty in 4th grade and went to a tiny private school with 22 kids in my grade. So I didn't really find anyone attractive there because I'd gone to school with these kids since kindergarten. And it was a church school. So I spent alot of time with them so didn't really babe any crushes on them. But I did find celebrities attractive. I remember scribbling over girls faces without consciously addressing why I felt the need to do so (because I didn't like my feelings towards girls). It wasn't until my freshman year, I met this girl who I thought was incredible and I started to question myself. It was then that I realized that I'm bisexual. Or thought I was. And I started to realize all the things I did to suppress and not address my attraction to girls. Sexuality is fluid. And you can always discover new things about yourself. For instance, I thought I was bisexual but then I realized I like people in between on the gender spectrum as well. Only you can identify yourself. If you don't feel attracted to girls, then you don't, if you do, you do. I think it's clear you're attracted to guys though. Could it be that you want to like girls because it's how you were brought up. Just a thought. I hope this helped and good luck with identifying yourself. Stay strong.
Thank you for the reply, I too went to small school, but my feelings didn't start till 6th grade, middle school. I remember doing something the same thing in my yearbook, about scribbling out the faces of some guys in my class. Funny how we have this in common, but also a relief that it's something that someone else did. Referring to your question, about liking girls. Well I was brought up in an abusive family and I my family had strict values towards gays, something that my father said was that he would throw out one of his sons if they turned out gay, sooooo..... from there I tried my best to get a girlfriend. I think I've only had three girlfriends and one crush on a friend, but that crush first transformed from a lie that I made up. But in all of these relationships I never felt sexually attracted to them, or so I think (my mind isn't working). In my mind it felt good to have an idea to have a girlfriend, but again when I'm alone or doing anything really my mind went back to men. So I can say yeah, my upbringing really played a big role in what I thought I needed in my life, I always played this role of being a perfect son to my father, that being a son with a girlfriend to show off to him... But now I really can't see myself with anyone, which makes me sad and more confused, especially because I thought I had it all figured out.
