I'm a 23 year old guy spends almost every day trying to figure out wether I am gay or straight and I am not getting anywhere. I have just come out of a long relationship with a female who I loved and still love deeply. While I have doubted if I love her or not I believe I am able to come to the conclusion that I really do. Because of my constant doubt our sex life was never great for long periods of time, however that's not saying that we did not have good sex. When I was not focusing too much on proving anything to myself and just enjoying it it was definitely very good. I would smile and feel very happy afterwards and I would feel satisfied. Other times I would barely be able to go through with it and feel absolutely crap. Never had any problems with getting it up, but if I was not in the right mental state I was not able to enjoy it. I was and still am at the mercy of my current mood and there seems to be nothing I can do about it other than not doing anything and hoping it will switch eventually. Now, the reason I doubt my sexuality is because at some point in my teens I started watching shemale/gay porn, and get off to it. In the beginning I thought nothing of it, but at the time I was just entering into a depression which I am still struggling with. If I remember correctly (my memory is terrible) I would mastrubate almost daily and often to gay or shemale porn. It was like a quick fix which lasted a few minutes at the most, and I felt like I had no control over it. I often felt numb afterwards but just carried on with my life without ever developing any feelings for men. 3 years ago when I met my ex I was in a very bad state, a heavy drinker and not able to fully enjoy life at all. But with her help I became much better, quit drinking and was able to actually do things with my life. But I would constantly struggle with thoughts of being gay and anytime I felt low I would mastrubate to gay thoughts or porn. After a while I told her about it and (she is a psychologist) she was very good about it. To her it was not a problem at all, however she could see I was really hurting from it. Over there last years, I have done it less and less frequently and anytime I do it now I will cry afterwards. I often also feel sick and have actually thrown up after doing it. Despite this, whenever the thoughts pop into my head I feel immense anxiety and sometimes I have no choice but to go through with it. When our relationship started going downhill, for many reasons but my mood and constant doubt definitely a big reason, I decided that I need to figure out why I am like this. I went to a gay club, and to my surprise I felt nothing. I spoke to some of the guys and eventually left. Still searching for answers, a few days later after coming home from work my mind started flooding with thoughts of gay sex and how much I would love it etc, in the same way the always have. So seeing as me and my ex had broken up I figured I would go to a gay bathhouse and try it out. When I came there, I felt nothing once again. It was strange seeing naked men everywhere, but it felt like when you are in the gym showers. I was not able to get into this crazy fantasy mood of mine, and I kept pushing the guys approaching me away. I did not feel anything to be honest. Went into a room with a guy and tried giving him a blowjob and I still felt numb. He tried to touch me but I wouldnt let him so he left. I then proceeded into the toilet where I forced my fingers down my throat and cried. So, pretty damn confusing. I have now told my parents (without details) about the fact that I am doubting everything and especially my sexuality. I have no problems with being gay, but it just doesnt feel right for me. I dont fear what other people would think, only that I dont feel like being gay is what I am. But the thoughts and fantasies will likely continue in the same infrequent manner they have lately and I will still be stuck in this constant doubting. Sorry for the long post, but if you read it - what do you think?
Hey man, just wanted to let you that I'm also the same exact age and going through a VERY similar situation, but haven't gone as far as you in terms of testing the waters. Dude it sucks man. I can't stop thinking about whether or not I'm gay. Almost everyday, all day. It's an incessant source of anxiety that has gotten so bad that I also just started seeing a therapist. It's weird because part of me is convinced that I'm not gay, but how can I be more aroused by gay/trans porn than straight? I mean I used to be really into straight porn, but it got boring overtime. I started watching normal stuff, then it became hardcore, and then just this past year I started watching gay/trans. I would progressively get more and more bored and seek out ever increasing thrills, and here we are. I think in part our dependency for pornography from a young age has made as addicted to the drug effects of porn induced masturbation. I started watching porn on a regular basis since I was 13 and only this past year have I made concerted efforts to stop, with my longest streak being 45 days (I actually just relapsed after 15 days because I couldn't handle the anxiety). When I relapse, it's always to gay/trans porn first, since it's the most arousing... a crackpot theory of mine says that it's in large part due to the overwhelming fear I associate to it, which is well known aphrodisiac. In any case, it's possible that porn is distorting our view of our sexuality and whenever we try to stop watching it, we experience some level of withdrawal symptoms, as we aren't accustomed to using our imagination or even having another person satisfy us sexually. I should also note that stimulants, coffee in my case, intensifies the degree of obsessive thoughts I have about being gay and increases my desire to masturbate to feel relieved. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that we're not gay/bisexual. Keeping in mind that sexual orientation is both on a spectrum and fluid, it may very well be that we are in denial of an important aspect of ourselves because we were ingrained with heteronormative social expectations from a young age. I definitely remember having some gay thoughts as a kid (though I mostly had straight ones), repressing said thoughts when I was 12-13, and then being a "normal" heterosexual teenager. Throughout high school and college, I never experienced same sex attraction in any meaningful way, whether in the locker room or having a sleep over with a guy friend, and I even had a gay roommate at one point and didn't think anything of it. I also had sexual problems with my ex very similar to yours (I could always get it up but sometimes it felt stale; I loved her very much and she made me a better person), and it turns out that she came out as lesbian a few months after we broke up, which fucked me up in all sorts of ways since I lost my virginity to her and have deep rooted insecurities about my ability to attract the opposite sex. When I think of my attraction to men, or at least to gay porn since my attraction to men in real life is almost nonexistent as far as I can tell, I realize a two things: A), I am almost exclusively interested in the dominant role (the person doing the penetrating). B), the person I am interested in seeing penetrated is young and highly effeminate (e.g., twink, teen, femboy, sissy, crossdresser) or is a straight up MtF transsexual. I read about Ogi Ogas research on porn sites, and it turns out one of the most searched terms by supposed heterosexual men is transsexual porn, since the visual cue of the penis is highly arousing to males of all sexual orientations. He terms transsexual porn an "erotical illusion" for straight men, since it combines the four fundamental visual cues of sexual arousal in males (chest, butt, feet, and the penis) into one highly psychologically stimulating package. Also, fun fact, it's been reported that many straight women watch lesbian porn, though I haven't researched the actual reason in too much detail. Taking all that into consideration, ask yourself this: if you desire to enter a lifelong monogamous relationship at some point in your life, could you personally see yourself spending it with a man or genderqueer person? I could, because I think I'm a friendly dude and at least to some extent bisexual, but that doesn't mean I want to. I personally am what some deem "heteroromantic", in that I desire to fall in love with a woman and raise a family like my parents did. Remember that monogamy is not "natural" per se; it is a cultural institution that has evolved over millenia which requires a great degree of self-restraint and self-sacrifice for it to work. Whether you're gay, straight, trans, or anything in between, the fact of the matter remains that if you want to be spend the rest of your days with someone, you will have to age with them, be there when they're not as sexy, and potentially raise a family with them. Personally, I stand by my initial feelings that I would like to share all those life experiences with a woman as my soul mate. Porn creates a mental image that has little basis in reality. It taps deep into our psyche because it allows us to experience virtually what we cannot experience physically, for whatever reasons, and satiates one of the most fundamental urges that human beings experience. However, because it is fantasy, creating an identity around your porn habits seems to me like the wrong way to go about finding yourself. I often wonder, in my endless daily obsessions with this topic, if I met a hot twink/transsexual/crossdresser/whatever in real life, how aroused I would be. I mean I guess if the right guy came along I'd want to have sex with him, but the fact of the matter is I've never actually met such a person... IN PERSON lol. The image I have in my mind approaching me and seducing me is a fictional character (or a virtual representation of a real person), but bares little resemblance to most men I encounter in reality. For that reason, in my personal, unprofessional opinion, I think it's best for both of us to explore our sexuality with real human beings with personalities and emotions, albeit safely, rather than having porn be our guide... along with psychological help to manage our obsessive/addictive tendencies. Whatever conclusions we may come to, we have to accept ourselves for who we are, and demand that the people who love us accept us as well. Part of what holds me back form adopting a bisexual/gay identity (other than everything I just mentioned haha) is that I don't think I want a label to announce to the world what I do with my private parts. It was and still is a necessity for many people to find support in communities often hostile to LGBTQ individuals, but like you, I live in an environment in which most people would accept me as such after the initial shock of surprise. Although it matters to me that my partners know of my orientation, whatever it is, I don't want to create my identity around being gay/bisexual because I already like who I am, and it's not like I'm spontaneously changing out of nowhere. Given that a lot of what determines sexual orientation is biologically determined before birth, I highly doubt that most people go from "totally straight" to "totally gay" in a lifetime. The feelings we had for our previous relationships, sexual, romantic, or otherwise, were real, and a reflection of who we are. Nothing can take that away from us, regardless of what we find out about ourselves in the future. PS: I know we're not supposed to provide personal info (mods this is my first time using this site so please don't ban me to kingdom come for saying this), but if you want to reach out to me and have someone to confide, send me a PM and I'd be happy to talk with you.
Thank you Curious13 for your answer. I am literally going insane over this, I simply cannot understand what is going on with me. I will be starting therapy shortly to try to figure this out. You see, for me, watching two men having sex is not really arousing. That is, when I am actually watching the porn clip from start to finish. Most of the time, certain things are a big turn off for me. Despite this, I either have to confirm that I am not gay EVERY single time I watch porn by watching gay porn first to "check" if this time I am finally going to realize I am gay or if I will find some kind of proof that I am not. If for whatever reason I get hard (mostly semi-hard, and it feels different to when I'm aroused to a female) I will end up finishing to it and generally feeling terrible afterwards. If I get turned off/not turned on, I switch to straight porn or solo girls and a lot of the time it feels great. I mentally high five myself afterwards, get happy and enjoy myself for a while, until the thoughts hit me again, normally within half an hour to two hours. I have tried accepting that I am bisexual, but it just doesnt sit right with me. I feel that I am either gay or straight. I believe that I must either be in some kind of crazy denial about the whole thing, and that one day I will realize that I am 100% gay, or that this is all some kind of self-destructive behaviour or OCD. I mean, I really do believe I am being honest with myself. I have never had an interest in men, but I have always felt inferior to them. Unlike you, I never imagine myself as the dominant one, always the submissive one, the inferior little boy without any power or will to do anything. Whereas with my ex-gf or when watching straight porn, I am the dominant one. I don't know if it's possible that I have suffered some kind of trauma during my younger years where I felt so inferior to everyone and was too afraid to even talk to anyone, especially girls. This is something I need to talk to my therapist about, no matter how strange and awkward it will feel. I have a history of OCD-like behaviour, and mental illness is present in my family. I have also been diagnosed twice with OCD, but I still don't believe that I have it. From what I have gathered, people with OCD never acutally gets aroused by what they fear, eg gay sex or being a pedophile - however, I have also understood that straight people can get aroused by gay porn for whatever reason, and some people do have gay fantasies despite not being gay. My gay fantasies have always come from something I have watched in porn, and always pretty much been exactly the same since whenever they started. At the moment, I have quit my job and decided to dedicate all my time to figuring this out by doing therapy. But as I am so completely confused with all this and quite fucked up to be honest, I am not sure whether to get therapy for OCD, talk to a sex therapist or talk to someone about accepting my homosexuality - even though I don't really believe I am homosexual, I still feel that if I learned to accept that I could be, I might be able to move on. It could also potentially make me even more confused, or it could dawn on me that I was acutally in denial. I always read how powerful denial can actually be, but I must be completely crazy if that is case. I mean, I REALLY try to accept that I am gay and then when I watch gay porn or fantasize I am generally not able to get off to it, but instead I end up getting off to a female - but nothing ever sticks. I does not matter how many times I prove to myself that I am straight, or gay for that matter - I still question it. I apologize for rambling, but my mind is racing and I am just so desperate for all this to stop.
Here I am again, in the middle of the night, wondering what to do. I am reading coming out stories, looking at pictures of guys and wanting to really be completely honest with myself, but I feel nothing. Thinking back on my time with my ex-gf and how happy she made me, but these thoughts just never stopped bothering me. I just can't seem to make any progress. I have read that trying out, by being honest with yourself and just allowing yourself to think and do whatever you do, is a good way to figure out whether you are gay or not. I feel I have done this loads of times, but maybe I am still just denying that I could potentially be gay. I have always felt that once I accept it, the thoughts kind of stop and I feel better. I still don't feel attracted to guys, but atleast I am not ruminating 16 hours a day. Most of the time I end up testing myself at some point with porn, and then feeling confused again. If I try to go on a dating site or a hook up site, without feeling ashamed about it, I once again end up feeling nothing or have no desire to actually meet someone. When I try to fight it, the opposite happens (opposite as in I doubt whether I am attracted to a guy, or want to have sex with them). I am gonna try to find a therapist today to talk to, because I suppose I have gone pretty far with this questioning business and that no amount of reassurance or help from anyone here is gonna give me an answer. However, if anyone has any advice at all I would love to hear it.
Hey man, I'm so sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner. It's been a couple of busy weeks for me. Dude, I really feel for you and I'm deeply saddened to hear how much you're struggling. I want you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way (as this site makes it clear). First and foremost, please please PLEASE set up a meeting with a therapist/psychologist. Since you have been diagnosed with OCD in the past, you need to accept the fact that you've gone so far off the deep end that you need professional help. There's nothing to be ashamed of: I personally just started seeing a therapist for the same exact reasons. I believe reaching out to people when you can't figure it out on your own is a sign of strength, since it's an acknowledgment that we are not entirely in control of ourselves. The opinions, knowledge, and experience of others can help guide us on our paths towards happiness. I'd like to point something out here: I'm no expert, but this seems to me like textbook example of OCD. The relief comes with "accepting" that you're gay, but is reinvigorated as soon as you attempt to confirm that belief with an actual homosexual action. It's this endless cycle which provides stimulation to that part of your mind that feels profound anxiety. The same exact thing happens to me, but not just with "accepting" that I'm gay; often times, when I'm stressed, "giving in" to whatever is stressing me out provides relief since I am no longer challenged by what ever it is I need to confront. For example, as someone who is diagnosed ADHD, as a kid I would often feel profound anxiety about the amount of homework I had to do, and would obsess with how big of a project lay in front of me. It is often the most difficult obstacle to overcome whenever I have to begin a large assignment, that being the awareness of the size of the task that lay before me. However, if I simply accept that it's not going to get done, I feel a profound sense of relaxation, even if the consequences of not doing whatever project I have are severe. Another similar mental cycle I experience is thinking about death: it arouses intense fear, I attempt to rationalize it, fail, and then accept that I'm going to die. Nonetheless, whenever I think about death again in the future, it arouses the same cycle of obsessive thoughts (here I'm using the word "obsessive" informally) which again reach a similar conclusion, and then a brief period of relief. Maybe part of the reality you're going have to accept is that you may never be completely sure of what you are, and that in fact you might change overtime. Many people say sexuality is fluid, so who's to know that even if you aren't gay or bisexual now, it could happen sometime in the future. Like I said in my previous post, it's not "typical" for someone to swing like a pendulum from one end to the other as far as I know, but it exists in the realm of possibility, and that's okay. It's like worrying about the fact maybe your kid might have a mental disability. Sure, it's entirely possible, but in the present moment, is it worth obsessing over? Herein, lies the key: we are obsessing over possibilities, when our actual feelings speak volumes. You said you loved your girlfriend, and have felt heterosexual attraction all your life. How likely is it that it's entirely a fabrication induced by cultural expectations via heterosexuality, versus a genuine interest in her entirety as a person (including her sexuality). Personally, I think the latter rings true, taking into account what you said in your initial post. Given that there are hundreds of millions of single women within our age group, it's likely that you could find someone out there and experience the same type of feelings... or even better. Although I can't speak for you, I personally think I need to accept that I have bisexual tendencies, and that it's okay that I'm not 100% straight. It doesn't mean I'm a 100% gay, or that I'm equally attracted to men or women. It doesn't mean that I have to adopt any label or lifestyle, or change who I am simply because I experience same-sex attraction towards effeminate males and MtF transsexuals. No one is obligating me to engage in same-sex acts or relationships with anyone, and the same goes for you. I personally am not interested in doing so, but if they day ever comes that I do (assuming I'm single), then there's nothing wrong with me pursuing what I want. You don't have to constantly check, confirm, or prove whether or not you are gay, ESPECIALLY if it's via porn (which I discussed it's misleading/deleterious effects earlier). You aren't lying to anyone by saying you identify as "straight" if that's what feels right. And if you're not sure, you don't have give an answer to anyone (except maybe your significant other lol). Trust yourself bro; no one knows you better than you!
