HELP! i'm 21 and so very confused about my sexuality. So its a long ass story, I apologise. when i was a kid, I generally idolised female celebs (not sure what this means). I think I had crushes on both genders but when i was really young in middle school and up I had a crush solely on this boy in my grade for about 5 years, but I don't think it was sexual at all. I never really had crushes on girls but then again I never really had close girl friends. when I got older like in hs, I didn't really crush on anyone. I was pretty asexual. I could admire people's attractiveness but I was a late bloomer. I did, I think, become a little obsessed with my closest female friend but i'm not sure. My senior year of hs i became obsessed with this guy i met online playing games (don't ask I'm a nerd) and we skyped and did gross teenager things, which i liked. Then when that ended (painfully and horribly), I went to college, and started masturbating to porn, and all sorts of porn including lez porn which i liked). In college I had a crush on this guy in my year but it came slowly and I think I may have made up the relationship in my mind, but i got jealous when he started dancing with a girl (he also had a gf it was messed up). Anyhow, then that crush I killed. i became weirdly obsessed with three girls after that (lesser versions of the obsession i had with my hs guy), one of which was so strong that i wrote an anonymous love note to her lol. The problem was that when i became close friends with these girls, all of my obsession (my crushes?) with them faded. idk what that means. Then I fell for this gay guy (he wasn't out at the time) anyhow i liked him and i cried when he rejected me. Then i finally got my first bf (it never occurred to me during this time to pursue women or analyse my obsessions with them, so it was never an option really). I fell in love with him, but more slowly. It wasn't an obsession thing. it eventually had elements of that but i think it was real. he took my virginity and at the time i would have described the sex as amazing (i'd never had anything to compare it to though, but i remember being attracted to him, and wanting to have sex with him all the time). I was heart-broken when he ended things but also i got really clingy i guess. then after that i had a bunch of bad encounters with the opposite sex just like meaningless sex that resulted in no emotional fulfilment. I started to become even more curious about sex with a woman when i was single, and so eventually i had a threesome (NEVER DO IT BAD IDEA) with a couple. and long story short, I become OBSESSED with the girl. I thought about her all the time and she really turned me on. When i kissed her for the first time it was like a feeling unlike anything else my heart actually stopped occasionally. The girl-girl sex we had was incredible. maybe the best of my life to date (though i can't remember a lot of my sex with my first bf) i was super attracted to her. then she went and ended things and cut me off completely and it felt like a break up all over again. Since then i've been so confused as to my sexual orientation. right now the thought of lady sex is SUPER appealing to me. it was so hot and so physically fulfilling. I also loved holding her and like the feelings that i got when we touched. At the same time, i can't really imagine myself in a relationship with a woman (maybe its because it's just not what i'm used to idk). I go back and forth on my sexuality now. Sometimes i'm like oh i could have sex with a man, and other times I'm like ew no i can't. But the idea of a dick in me (sorry this is graphic) is appealing, but i wouldn't melt if a guy talked to me, the way i would if a beautiful woman talked to me. at the same time when i think of a beautiful loving relationship i just automatically picture myself with a man. am i gay? am i straight? am i bisexual? i don't know what i am, and i have major anxiety about it because i don't want to be gay. but i also don't want to lie to myself or not ever feel what i felt with that girl again in my life. i just don't know what to do what to think or what to believe. and most of all i'm scared shitless of dating a girl (in part because of how people would perceive it and in part because i'm afraid of what it will mean for me). At the same time i refuse to lie to myself. HELP! What do you think? i'm terrified.
Welcome to EC Think about yourself, your attractions, your fantasies. Do it slow, there is no need to rush. Do you feel attracted to men? What about women? Do you imagine yourself in a relationship with a man, woman, or sometimes a man and other times a woman? Do you fantasize about men too? I can't answer to you if you are lesbian. Only you can truly look at your feelings and conclude about your orientation. To me, judging by your post, you may be bisexual or lesbian (or gay if you prefer. Don't worry about labels too much). About your worry about what others may think, try forgetting it for now. Come out to yourself first.
Thank you. this is actually helpful. I have major anxiety about it is the thing. And I find I am incapable of relaxing. When i'm totally calm, I have this moment of clarity where I'm like "I'm bisexual" and then I have a fantasy of a woman and I freak myself out again. At the same time I have this strong yearning to hold a woman and see her smile at me, but the idea of dating a woman long-term i find terrifying and almost something i wouldn't want. i've had sexual dreams (fantasies) about both men and women, but lately its been mostly women. Is this something I'll understand in time?
