do you often go through the phase where you look at yourself and send homophobic messages towards yourself. Like call yourself a faggot, why can't I be normal, I'm a freak of nature, what's wrong with me, why can't you just get a girlfriend and marry and have kids like everyone else, I'm an anomaly that needs to be eliminated. That kinda stuff?
I don't want to "eliminate" myself, but in a way I do feel what you describe. But I guess that is because it's only been a while since I've accepted I'm almost exclusively into guys.
I know what you mean. It took a long time for me to admit to myself that I was gay. And I often thought afterwards it could be easier if I was just straight. However the longer since I've came out and luckily nobody I knew cared, it's something that crosses my mind less and less.
I wouldn't call it homophobic... but i do say to myself a lot why can't i be with a man... then i say to myself yes i can... then i go back to why can't i be with a man. I sometimes talk myself out of liking a girl. It takes time to accept yourself... it took time for society to put the facade/identity of being straight onto you. Will take time for you to break down that facade/false identity. If that makes sense.
My internalized homophobia loves making me it's bitch. I wish I could get rid of all my romantic and sexual feelings entirely. Despite this, I'm obsessed with love, and I get extremely jealous of people who have their "special someone". I'm starting to think that I am simply undatable. This meme comes to mind. I know, I'm super pessimistic.
No, I don't have these feelings anymore. I accept myself the way I am. Even if I could choose between being me and turning a straight guy, I would choose me, because I wouldn't know that straight guy. I believe that a human being is memories and experiences. My memories and experiences led to me, and I don't want to change it. But at the same time, I sometimes feel sad because I am 30 and not into a relationship. I feel sad when I see my friends getting into relationships, while I am terrified of approaching anyone, a girl or a guy. I am just terrified!
My father used to call me "fag" when I was a teen and showed no interest in dating (not that I think I would have been a good partner...) and I've internalized that a lot when toxic thoughts on sexuality come up. I'm honestly extremely abusive to myself in self talk but it really gets intense when sexuality and gender stuff comes up.
I've had these thoughts, gone into quite deep depression due to those feelings. I am starting to come out of it, though sometimes they resurface. I get angry at myself for being "abnormal" and think "If I just tried harder, I could be with a guy, and not be strange or different, or disappoint those in my family." It helps to respond to those thoughts with rationality. Yes, being gay means being in the minority. But being a minority doesn't make anyone inherently "less" even though this is a message as gay people that we have received for much of our lives. Other minority groups have faced similar (or far worse) discrimination, and the world has continued to progress past that, and I feel eventually LGBT "rights" will no longer be LGBT rights, but human rights, the same way women's rights or black people's rights are today in the US, at least. Additionally, my personal desires hurt no one, what may hurt others are their own attitudes toward it. I can't control who I am attracted to or want to be with, but *they* can control how they react to it or perceive it. It's also helped to come out to some accepting friends. To know that there are people who my sexuality really matters very little to helps a lot, it reminds me I'm still me, and for many my coming out will not change that, nor should it.
