Hello there Late twenties guy here, heavily questioning and need support/information. Always believed I was straight, mostly had crushes on girls since puberty, as in, only girls except for once in senior year of high school and once in junior year of college. However, I did spend time with a gay guy who had a crush on my in high school, but I wasn't attracted to him Never got anywhere with girls, dealing with hardcore anxiety/OCD/depression, never even told my first crush that I liked her. Ever since half-way through college, periodically I'll "realize" that I'm gay, and sort of accept it for a week or so, and then forget about it, and go back to thinking of myself as just an incredibly inept straight guy. I've messed around with guys and it was really comforting sometimes but never really turned me on as when I've made out with women. I've always masturbated to muscle women, but I've been trying to experiment with masturbating to men, with very limited success. Very inexperienced sexually and with dating in general. Lately the periods where I "come out" have been more and more frequent. I'll be straight for a week and then over the weekend flip back to thinking I'm gay. Most people I've talked to have said that I just need more experience, but honestly I"m still really terrified of it, and the idea of coming out and dealing with all that crap just scares me, so much so that I block it from my mind I think. At this point, when I accept my homosexual (or homoromantic?) attractions, I relax, and the obsessing about women stops, and I start to think I might have a chance with women after all, and I definitely push myself in that direction, thinking "at least I could be bi and not have to deal with all the identity and social stigma crap about being gay" I talk to my therapist about it but I'm still waffling back and forth between denial and half-acceptance :bang: Sometimes I'll sleep all day and when I wake up I'm more accepting of it, but when it's time to go to work on Monday it gets buried again Can anyone relate to any of this? I have a lot of fear and self-judgement about it. TL;DR Questioning, confused, inexperienced, scared, angry, can you relate/offer advice? Thanks <3
Welp, it's quite typical for OCD sufferers to go back and forth because of how your mind can never settle on an answer. Your mind goes into overdrive on low fuel and that's when you don't know what to think of it, and that's when your obsessive thoughts temporarily go away. Fear and self-judgement is what I always go through. You're essentially in a never ending loop. For me, I started obsessing over my sexuality as soon as my first relationship with a girl ended. This was the starting point, and older men in general induce the anxious urges I have. Thoughts like these make me think I'm gay, but because I have no feelings for them this cannot be true. A solution for OCD individuals (or at least one of them), is to accept the thoughts. Of course, it's not as simple as it sounds, but you need to find out what is it that's fueling these OCD thoughts, and then you'll realize "Oh okay, that's why..." It doesn't matter when you are able to decide on who you identify as, OCD will continue to attack your mind like there's no tomorrow. I've questioned myself since October last year, only recently have I started to get a better understanding of myself. Good luck bro.
I'm a lot older than you but I also get very confused. Sometimes I'm certain I'm bisexual or even gay, but then I start listing all the reasons I'm not and end up confused. And I still end up thinking I'm not, and it's hard for me to tell if it's denial or something else. I'm working on it with my therapist but it's so hard for me to get past this idea that I'm "making up" being bi or gay, even though I do want to date a woman, and not just as an "experiment." I have no sexual experience with women though, and I keep worrying that if I did get involved with a woman I'd end up not liking it and make us both unhappy. I was married and was with a few other guys before that and liked "making out" but sex never did much for me at all. (I also have depression and I think I also have OCD though I've never officially been diagnosed with it. In my case I don't think it's all that connected with thoughts about my sexuality but it certainly doesn't help any.) So in other words I can totally relate to what you are saying. I'll be sure of one thing and then sure of the opposite. It's very frustrating. I'm not sure I have any good advice for you, but I think it's good that you're working on it with your therapist. Mine has definitely helped me just to not be so upset over the whole thing, even if she can't tell me who/what I am.
