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Share your "I desperately want to be straight" story.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by SonicBoom, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. SonicBoom

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    1st of all I do not have any desire, desperately or otherwise, to be straight.

    I'm 40 and I spent 99% of my life being comfortable with my sexuality of being a gay man . I just started slightly questioning my sexuality last month.

    Because I comfortable with my own sexuality, I was really really in the dark about how other LBGT people really really struggle with their sexual identity.

    I spent a lot of time here reading up on the struggles on my people to better understand their plight.

    I started a number of threads to try and understand the suffering of my people.



    I do know that there are a lot people who know that they are probably bi or gay but whom desperately want to be straight.

    I've tried to look up threads about people wanting to straight but have found none.

    Can someone link threads about people wanting to be straight?

    Better yet, can someone share your story of wanting to be straight?
     
  2. YuriBunny

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    Re: Share your "I desperately want to straight" story.

    I wanted to be straight so as to not disappoint my parents. I tried to make myself think about guys more, but it didn't help anything, of course. I got really frustrated over it.
     
  3. ANewDawn

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    Re: Share your "I desperately want to straight" story.

    When I realized I was gay a few months ago I was pretty much fine with it. Since coming out to my family it's been harder to deal with. But today was a really bad day because my sisters were angry with me that I came out to them, and it was the first time since realizing I'm gay that I cried and wished I was straight.
     
  4. womaninamber

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    Re: Share your "I desperately want to straight" story.

    Sometimes I still want to be straight because of my religion and not believing that G-d approves of same-sex relationships. I know that's ridiculous but I've still internalized it very much. In fact I often deny being anything but straight, mentally and verbally, while at the same time wanting to be with a woman.
     
  5. LooseMoose

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    Re: Share your "I desperately want to straight" story.

    I think my story is not about "desperately wanting to be straight", but more about my attempts to just be 'normal'.
    I am 32, and I grew up in a catholic country, pretty isolated from kids my age and with parents who did not pay much attention.
    At that time and in that place the straight/gay dichotomy as an orientation just did not exist, and I pretty much was not aware that homosexuality existed as an orientation.
    I was aware of homosexuals and later as a teen I had gay friends, but overall the cultural message was that same-sex attraction perversion/taste/something that you *learned* to do. I was an isolated kid who pretty much was educated by literature, sometimes very precocious and 19th century, which all presented me with the message that a woman's sexuality belonged to her husband and that her role was to respond/yield to his desire, based on romantic love. This basically made me completely unaware of the existence of heterosexual *sexual* desire in women towards men, and I never noticed that I lacked it in that way.
    This was reinforced by literature: I read the "Claudine" series of books by Collette: very precocious of me, and in it, although she is evidently bisexual and has relationships with women, her primary romantic loyalty is to a man. I've internalised this idea of true romance, and love as a response to male desire.


    For me, if I allowed myself to think about and desire women, I was not 'developing normally' and I needed to 'develop normally' to be 'discovered' and 'found' by a 'worthy man'. So I made myself think about men sexually, rather than women.

    I pretty much believed that I could respond sexually to anyone who was in love with me.
    Needless to say, it did not work out that way.

    The reality was really that I grew up with a model of sexuality where actions and thoughts determined ones status either as 'normal' or a 'pervert', and so I believed that we have a choice and control over our sexual self.

    Later I took it to an extreme of trying to prove to myself that I was openminded and that I could be attracted to a 'person as a person', despite not being physically attracted to them.

    It was denial taken to the extreme: denial of sexual/physical attraction actually existing, and instead trying to prove to myself that I could have sex with and love anyone, as long as I was attracted to their mind, or they were strongly sexually attracted to me and validated me that way.

    It has taken me time to realise that repressing my sexuality and being able to have sex with people without sexual attraction is not the same as being sexually attracted to them, but I still struggle with accepting that loving somebody will not magically make my orientation switch to make it compatible with their sex.

    In a way I never wanted to be 'straight', its just that I struggled believing/realising that I am intrinsically different from straight people, and I tried to follow all the steps they followed, but it did not make me feel the way it's supposed to make you feel.
     
    #5 LooseMoose, Jan 25, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2015
  6. Weregild

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    I've internalized homophobia from a very early time of my life. And that's what made me want to be straight
     
  7. vicky90

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    I was always thinking about various stuffs that may confirm me straight desperately.

    - I was 21 when I told my friend as I could be gay. I did not understand my feelings completely. I did not know what it meant to be coming out. I just expressed myself that I have fear about me being gay. I am not sure why I told him despite me being not completely sure about understanding my feelings. He told me that it is just mind problem and you can control your mind to like girls.

    In continuation, I would force myself to look at girls - IRL, pictures, lesbian porn. Try to force myself for excitement to confirm my straight-ness. But I failed.

    - Around 1.5 years back - since neither my feelings for guys go away nor my feelings for girls increased - and I was still not able to understand my feelings completely - I told one more friend about myself questioning sexuality. He told that it could be just some curiosity and it is fine.

    In continuation, I proposed to a good friend of mine (girl) to marry me (w/o expressing love). I was NOT attracted towards her. I considered her beautiful but not attractive. BUT in my desperation for straight-ness, I did not listen to mind to evaluate her sexual attractiveness and just thought that my life is finally "normal" and I don't have to worry about my attractions for guys in serious manner again and I am a perfectly straight person with some curiosity.

    - 6 months back, while I was struggling between denial / acceptance - I considered my lack of experience of sexual intimacy with a girl IRL an important factor and thought that I must try that - may be after that I will prove that I am straight or what. Desperation failed. My feelings for guys & girls did not change and I still was attracted to guys to a large extent. It did not confirm that I am straight. It did confirm the otherwise and then I started to figure out things more and understand my attractions, feelings, personality, etc..

    In the journey, I have experienced mixture of fear, depression, worries, thoughts, etc..

    Major obstacle for me was & is - social environment.

    Now I am at the point that I am 1000000% sure I am NOT straight. I can never be. No longer I feel desperate to be so and I am happy with whatever I am :slight_smile:

    Hope it helped ! :slight_smile:
     
    #7 vicky90, Jan 26, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2015
  8. Whisper

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    I only really had this problem in the beginning of my confusion and questioning.
    Sure, things would be easier if I were straight but I don't really have any desire to be any longer.
     
  9. Lexington

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    I spent the first two decades of my life assuming I was straight. It wasn't denial so much as utter cluelessness. I'd get horny, and I assumed that I'd be getting sexual with a woman, so when I'd see a naked woman (in porn), that'd be exciting enough, because "that's what I'll be having sex with eventually". There was no real connection with these women, and in fact, I wasn't even lusting after THEM, really. It was like seeing a bed and thinking "I could have sex on that", or seeing a condom and thinking "I could be wearing one of those while having sex". That was as far as the connection went.

    Once I realized I was gay, that all changed. I was now interested in specific guys (and specific body parts). I lusted after THEM, not just the vague idea that "sex could happen with that". It was like my sex drive was finally completely in place. And that was awesome.

    On occasion, I have wished that certain things for me as a gay man were as easy as they are for straight guys. To take a random example, I sometimes wish I see as much sexualization of guys in everyday life as I see of women. But that's not at all the same as wishing I were straight. Once I realized I was gay, I never once wished I were straight. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  10. YermanTom

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    In my teens and early twenties I thought I was a late developer. I had gone on a date with a girl but nothing happened, not even a kiss. I then moved to a bigger city and developed the biggest crush on a work colleague. He was super fit and a wonderfully nice person. I started to occasionally look at men's fitness magazines and I would get mildly aroused. Every time I went out with my work colleagues to a nightclub or any place where we were lightly to meet girls I would get very tense and depressed.
    Eventually I found the only gay nightclub in the city. (at that time being gay was illegal)
    It felt so right, I was in a place where I was comfortable, I could hook with guys with ease, whereas meeting a girl in an ordinary nightclub was almost impossible. I led a secret double life for quite a while.
    Eventually I started to want to have a "normal" life, a house and family like the rest of my friends. So I went to a therapist to change my sexual desires and help meet a girl.
    Eventually I did meet a girl and have a relationship. I had never let myself have a relationship with a guy, I was too scared of being found out. I really enjoyed being in a relationship, but guys were way better to kiss. I realized that I am more of a romantic person rather than a sexual person. Eventually I met my second girlfriend and got married. We enjoyed each others company and to some extent we are very much sole-mates, but the sex was not good. I started to suffer from chronic low-grade depression.
    After twenty years of a good "happy" marriage I just started to cry! Inside I couldn't lie to myself any longer.
    Now I am learning to be me again, I am becoming happier, more confidant and more outgoing.
    Having met others that tried to live other than who they really are, we all suffered from depression.
     
  11. SonicBoom

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    Thank you to EVERYONE that shared thus far from the heart.

    (&&&)

    Your responses have been most illuminating.
     
  12. Ryu

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    Instead of having a I wanna be straight story, I have a 'I don't care so long as I'm not asexual' story. I was obsessed over working out who I am and the only thing I could come to for a while was that I was asexual because I've only had one crush and that was in year three, but I didn't want to spend all of my life alone, so I didn't care so long as I wasn't asexual / aromantic.
     
  13. AAASAS

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    Dating for me at least, is fucking annoying as shit , with little opportunities.

    I feel if I was straight I'd be in a decent relationship, or already had a couple already.

    There are even two girls at work that were interested in me, that I couldn't even consider.

    Everything in my life would just be way easier if I was straight, everything. Being gay isn't the worst, but I find the loneliness to be a bit unbearable at times.
     
  14. jay777

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    Re: Share your "I desperately want to straight" story.

    Maybe its expectations you had from them...
    I'd say do the things you feel...
    maybe they come around eventually, it has taken some time for you to get used to the thought, too...
    (*hug*)

    @AAASAS you could have a look here:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/166447-how-do-you-make-friends-adulthood.html#5