Obsessed with sexuality

Hello forum,

I am obsessed with my sexuality. I have OCD about it but that's not to say that I'm not gay. I have had a bout of this before in my 20s where I spent years being paranoid that people thought I was gay. Now it has come back in my 30s and I feel like I need some clarity. I feel that my obsession is caused by a fear of being gay and I think about it all day. The thing is that I have a girlfriend for the past year and a half and I really like her so I don't want to hurt her anymore. I feel that everybody knows I'm gay but her. We are moving in together soon and this is causing me pressure.

I spend alot of my day checking out guys. There are 4 or 5 guys in my office and I picture myself with them. I don't really get aroused by the this but I think that if I am gay that I need to find out now and be honest with my girlfriend. Sometimes I'll think I fancy them other times I don't. It seems to be when I talk to them I don't. All this thinking about sex gets me aroused and when I come home I masturbate but always to women. I have never in fact masturbated to a man but I think I id was with one it might be different.

I found being with a man gross but I have been trying to make myself accept and I feel neutral about it now. Not sex or sucking or anything but just to hold to start.

If I love my girlfriend then why am I having these obsessions? That's my main issue. Am I denying a part of myself that will eventually come out anyway so should I just bite the bullet now?

 

Thanks for your posts. But then I think that when people have same sex thoughts they take a leap of faith and come out as gay.

 

Sometimes I think gay thoughts and then I look at the guy and think gross. For example. There is a really camp guy sitting across from me in work. He's not actually gay just camp. He's talking to someone now and I start talking in a camp voice in my head and picture him and me kinda camp fighting. Then I look at him and think Gross

 

Today I have practiced the method lexington talks about and pretended to myself that I am gay. I have told myself don't bother checking her out. You are not interested. Look at him. Yeah. Imagine living together. Spending all your time together. Having sex.

The results have been pretty powerful. I have been steadily losing intereSt in guys and can feel a powerful attraction to women returning. I will keep on a similar track tomorrow.

Funnily. This method is also advised by therapists for dealing with OCD. It is called exposure response prevention and is about removing fear.

 

Today has been alot more difficult. I have been forcing myself to imagine myself with guys in work for the day. I don't get any pleasure from this but it does cause me anxiety. I think I am trying too hard.

I did get a bit aroused earlier on talking to a girl in work though. Why can't I just accept that i'm straight.