Ive been looking for a forum for some time now to see if anyone can help me out. I wanted to explain my situation and get some honest output on it. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. For most of my life I have felt 100% straight and have only done things with girls. Lost my virginity my freshman year in college with a girl that lived next to me and then had sex with another girl a few months later. All throughout high school I had crushes on and 'dated' girls. For the past ten years of my life, I have spent time at an all-boys summer camp in Michigan. I have spent my summers there for a LONG time. When I was in high school I wrestled and became really good friends with this kid and sometimes I would fantasize about him. I never did anything with him though. For the past 9 months or so since Ive been a sophomore in college, I have had very strong feeling and/or curiosity for boys. It really started last February when I started to watch a little bit of gay porn but not full insertion. I was really only turned on by guys jerkin off by themselves. This past summer was the first summer out of my ten years at the summer camp where I kind of developed feelings for some one. They didn't know at all and I didn't tell them but I was turned on by them. Its weird because it never happened before at camp to me. This summer it really bothered me. Why now? I have continued to watch men jerk off. However, watching anal and thinking about anal really TURNS ME OFF. That bothers me for some reason. The penis, however, excites me. For the past couple of months, I joined the app ****** to test out the waters. I have had some intense conversations and get turned on but when i am about to go and see a guy, I chicken out and decide to not do it and pleasure myself on my own. I get scared and think that my reputation and self-worth will be tainted or altered. I live alone so I get horny a lot and sometimes when I go to the gym i check some dudes out but at the same time, I still have some feelings for certain girls. I did some research and looked up something called Homosexual OCD, which kind of described me. Sometimes I still look at porn of women and it turns me on but lately its been more guys jerkin off. Its really weird and it really bothers me. Could it be that Im curious? Gay? (I doubt it) Bi? I honestly could never see myself dating an guy (except for maybe ONE person) and when I think about my future I get really scared. Could being at an all-guys summer camp have shaped me to be like this? What should I do? I am just really confused.
Hi. First, welcome. You are in the right place. I can totally understand how upsetting this must be for you. Anyone who has to confront the idea they might not be straight has similar feelings. That said, what you are describing is not consistent with OCD. (HOCD does not exist as a standalone diagnosis according to anyone credible.) OCD is characterized by uncontrollable, obsessive thoughts and/or behaviors for which there is no rational basis for support. OCD is also characterized, in nearly all class, with multiple obsessions. You describe arousal from certain type of gay porn, and arousal from talking with guys on hookup apps, and being able to masturbate to orgasm to both. These are patterns consistent with sexual attraction to men, and bear no resemblance to OCD. The aversion to anal sex is actually pretty common to people first addressing and becoming aware of same sex attractions; what is going on here, I suspect, is that you are struggling with feelings you don't want and are trying to get away from, which, again, is normal for someone just becoming aware of these feelings. When anyone suffers a loss, in this case, loss of perception that you are straight, there are stages of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, grief, acceptance. So what you are describing is pretty close to the first stage: finding a way to deny what you are feeling. If you were truly straight with OCD, you would not feel any sexual arousal to penises, to talking with guys, or to watching guys masturbate. I know this is not what you want to hear. While I can't tell you whether you are gay, straight, or somewhere in between, I can tell you that most everyone who has been where you are (and that's most of us) went through the same thing. The best thing you can do for now is to take a breath, and simply sit with this. It isn't something you resolve in a day or a week. But given time, it will become clearer and more comfortable for you.
I'd say take your time. You could get used to the thought, build some community, meet some people on a friendship basis and take it from there. You might have a look here: Am I Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender? You might look for a GSA or a lgbt club... have a look at the next lgbt center, with courses and events... there might be support groups there... you might even think about counseling, there might be counselors at your college, or you might talk to someone from an lgbt center... and you might have a further look here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-...fo-you-got-ec-helped-you-accept-yourself.html But I'd say take the time you need, and proceed as you feel comfortable with...
Finding the answers to our lives will always be a on going journey. In your case perhaps experiences shaped your sexual interests, however there are plenty of people of people who have been to all-boys camps are never had any attractions to men. All of this is your experience and it is valid. Why do you think your self-worth and reputation will be hurt if you pursue men? It is okay to chat with people and change your mind if it doesn't feel right. I think what you're experiencing is normal, however I do think you may be sexually repressed? It's okay to explore, it's also okay to do what you are doing. Human sexuality is very complicated. My last question is, what about the future scares you?
