I've been having a lot of nights as I lay in bed, thinking intensely about sexuality. It's been a pretty weird ride through it. My orientation is (currently) "asexual with complications" and it fits pretty well right now. I've arrived at this label pretty recently, however. I know I don't need a label, but I do take comfort in them. Having an conceptual home is something that eases my mind. Right now it's sort of a lean-to in an increasingly intense storm—it helps but it's not what I want. ...I gotta be honest, I don't really know where to go so I think I'll start with sort of a meandering relevant history or something. I'm a victim of rape. It happened when I was 12 and it took a lot of years to understand and accept what happened. It really messed me up, I think. Growing up after, I wasn't interested in sex. I had lots of crushes but never really got close to basically anyone. Issues with depression and anxiety have gotten steadily worse until now. I masturbated but not a lot and never with much pleasure. Over time, it's basically become a sleep aid. When I do masturbate, I often feel really gross after climax, though some of that also has to do with gender dysphoria too, I think. I was spoiled on romantics with stories and tales of unrealistic stuff and that's never left me at all. I still dream (literally, like actually sleep dreams) of idealized romance stuff. I've never had a relationship, nor been anywhere near close to one, but I guess I'd be homoromantic...? Always dreamed about that special girl that certainly doesn't exist outside of my head. As for the complications part, it's like this I think. I like erotic illustrations. I like reading smut. It's adorable when my friends are thirsty. I like the idea of sex, as long as it's not me in it. Most of the time. Other times I get so utterly disgusted by how sex in everything and how it's so hard to get away from. I still have sex dreams occasionally, and those don't give me much problem. What's the complication? I don't know. It's all very messy especially with the gender stuff I've been dealing with lately too. It doesn't mesh. I like girls, and I like girls being with girls. I don't want to be with a girl, except subconsciously I do. It's confusing. There's no specific girl I've been extremely sexually interested in, but several that have come something close to that. I'm not really close enough to anyone to have a romantic attachment to them, but I have little crushes here and there among them. I'm not sure what I want from this thread either. Maybe feedback on whatever seems relevant? Maybe a more helpful label that I don't know about or hadn't considered? I'm not sure if I got across how frustrated I am about it. I didn't articulate it that well but I've written this post several times over a few days and I think this is as good as it's gonna get right now. Maybe I shouldn't worry about it right now. The possibility of it becoming relevant is pretty slim I think. Nonetheless, the comfort I find in labels is important to me right now. For what it's worth, I've been running with the "gay ace" label to my friends because they more or less get it and it's kind of fun to say (definitely easier than asexual homoromantic), but it still doesn't feel like home.
There are some close roommates I've confided in when it comes to my sex life, they know I don't go out of my way to physically pursue a sexual relationship (or at least I haven't yet.) While I definitely have sexual fantasies, it's just masturbation, just stuff I keep in my head. My understanding of "asexuality" is that an asexual does not feel sexual impulses; maybe there are some who would tell you asexuality is something different. I can't call myself an asexual according to those standards. And by those standards, you also don't fit the bill. My roommate described me as "low desire." I think that's a label I found to be more accurate. Not sure if that will give you any comfort. I will also say that I am confused by "I don't want to be with a girl, but subconsciously I do." Maybe the truth is that you do want to be with a girl if you are aware of your subconscious desire. My head also tells me I want to be with a girl (or other suitable love interest) but where I draw the line is considering the reality of a true, lasting romantic relationship. I'd have to work hard at becoming a better and more responsible person to be there for my partner no matter what. I'd need them to be able to accept the real me, and I'd need to be able to accept them for who they are as well. I know I have a long way to go before I have the willpower and fortitude to live my life that way. So consider that you do in fact want to be with a girl, and maybe there are some issues you need working out, some obstacles that you need to find the strength to overcome so you can pursue that desire with confidence.
Hi! I've not abandoned this thread, just been doing a lot more thinking and talking and thinking. Also some thinking in my spare time. I realize I have sexual desires, but I also have a conscious desire to remove myself from them, where my subconscious isn't quite agreeing with that. A body/mind disconnect, if you will. Seem to be having a lot of those these days, to be honest. I favor my mind more than my body usually but maybe my body has something worth listening to. Perhaps my history with sexual abuse is manifested by my desire to remove myself from it. I may just not be dealing with it in a healthy manner by "running away," as it were. My body might be ready to start healing and move on. Given that, I've decided to just say "it's complicated" and try not to label anything about my sexuality. Just take it at face value. If I'm horny, I'm horny. If I'm sex averse, I'm sex averse. If I just don't know, I just don't fucking know. And that's okay. I don't need to label it. Labels are for other people mostly, in my experience. It's shorthand to generalize a pretty complex subject. Plus it's none of your business if I say it's not. :badgrin:
Can I just link you to something Chip has said about asexuality which I think is something worth thinking about: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/167186-am-i-asexual.html Scroll down for his post. Edit: I found another good post made by him: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/167535-confusion-shame-sexuality.html
