(as you can see from the title, i have been told by many people i have ocd and am not gay but i cant stop obsesing over it)As far as i know i have been straight my whole life.At the age of 8 i had my first attractions to women, i thought hey they're pretty.At the age of 10 i had gotten addicted to straight porn.(i have been addicted to straight porn for 6 years and loved every second of it, i am 16 now.)I hadn't even considered the fact of being gay until 2 years ago...(sorry if this offends anyone,probably will)..about 2 years ago i had somehow gone from straight porn to gay porn and...even masturbated to the thought of my best friend...and the worse thing (IMO) is that i thought i may have liked it...but after every time i would be like "WHY DID I DO THAT :tears:.I have only gotten like 5 boners from the gay porn...through-out that whole time and i still got boners from women and still watched straight porn.(And i still do watch straight porn)No offense to gay people but i would rather die than be gay and i had already considered suicide many times.I am not some crazy christian/catholic nutjob that thinks being gay is wrong or that i'm going to go to hell...infact i'm pretty much an athiest...i just personaly don't like the idea of being gay, for myself)In the past 2 months i have gone through a hell hole...my attraction to women is fading and now when i look at a man it feels like i find them attractive..which scares me.I continuously get thoughts that i hate that are like "don't you want to kiss him" or "isn't he hot " or "you're gay, just come out already".I JUST WANT MY ATTRACTION TO WOMEN BACK...i don't want these gay thoughts..they are literally ruining my life....from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep i keep wondering, AM I GAY!?!....no but wait...you've loved women your whole life...you can't just turn gay....BUT WHAT IF I AM?!. Other peoples response: "who cares if you're gay...if you are gay...you're gay.." My response: "i care if i am gay i have loved women my whole life i have even done the most perverted of things...(sniffing panties and stuff and enjoyed it ..creepy i know)i don't want to be gay i don't like that". I can't even enjoy hanging out with my friends without i gay thought popping up and i just want them to stop:icon_sad: And it's not like i'm thinking.."oh god are my friends going to leave me if i was gay or what will society think or what would my parents think"...i really don't care about what other people say..i just personally don't like the idea of me being gay..cause i've always loved women and now this....Many people said it is most likely my porn addiction had gone way out of hand..which may be right cause it went like this: Straight porn -> Straight porn with fetishes -> straight porn with extreme fetishes -> lesbian porn -> hentai -> gay porn (solo only, just penis) -> gay porn (solo/oral)..this was the kind i fapped to my friend about ->straight porn ->my little pony porn(straight) ->straight and straight hentai -> now...i still masturbate to straight porn but i "check" gay porn to see if i am aroused...usually nothing happens but on occasion i get a feeling in my groin(not really a boner but a feeling, although i get the occasional 1 boner)...i can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't do anything because of these gay thoughts getting in the way, i really just want to kill myself.My whole day is just "AM I GAY?!..no you can't be you have always loved women...BUT WHAT IF I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN GAY AND NEVER NOTICED?!...no that's not possible my whole life couldn't have been a lie right?...I DON'T KNOW, JUST MAKE IT STOP!" ..I just want my normal "straight" life back...:tears: SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME OUT!
You should look for a counselor, especially if you are depressed. And you can call here: The Trevor Project GLBT National Help Center There are people there to listen, support and give advice. You might stop porn for a while and think about what kind of partner you would like... not necessarily the gender but just a general picture... a caring partner... an outgoing partner... etc... then you could try to get out and meet some people, just seeing what you have in common, and take it from there... You might have a look at this: Am I Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender? There is romantic and sexual attraction... and some people say they need an emotional connection first... I'd say take the time you need. There are many other people out there going through this, questioning... asking questions... and finally accepting themselves. Just take your time.
Porn may or may not align with your orientation. I also watch straight porn and then gay porn, and I alternated between the two. One of the reasons why I watched straight porn is that I can immerse myself in the experience as a guy doing the girl. I also watched gay porn but it's driven more by fantasy and father issues. It's not reliable to diagnose yourself through online tests on whatnot. It's best to speak with a psychologist about dirsoders. There isn't anything wrong with being different in general. I never had a problem with the LGBT community prior to questioning my orientation, and I was always open minded so it's made it easier to find out who I am. I am in the process of deciding between gay/bi/pan. Gay doesn't feel right because I've enjoyed making out with girls and touching them, also getting erections. I also get erections from older men in general, and at the moment I'm trying to find out what is about men that interests me... It's taken me 400+ posts on EC to finally realize that I have a gay side in me. Take one step at a time, and find out what makes you happy. If you cut the porn immediately, it opens your mind to reality. You'll be less concerned about sex and more concerned about who to date. Open up your mind a bit, you'll get something out of it.
