Hi everyone, I just feel so confused right now. Ever since I started to question myself I started digging for evidence of my past, so if anyone can help me with my situation that will be great. I'm trying to determine see if I'm either gay,bi, or just straight. Here's my "evidence": Had "girlfriends" at a very young age 6-9. Nothing special. Discovered masturbation for the first time at age 11. It was to a shirtless man in a magazine. I started to fantasize about my male teachers later on. Around age 12 I got my first job a burger joint. Fantasized about two of my male coworkers. Even kinda flirted with one. Around 13 I got another girlfriend, wasn't special didn't even kiss. 14 I discovered gay porn and haven't stopped since, I'm 22 btw. 15, I also discovered other forms of masturbation and haven't stopped since. Around 15 I started to have crushes on some of my male classmates, but mostly still one teachers. I tried to get excited for girls, but nothing. 16, made out with girl. Didn't like it, grossed out. 17, tride to get another girlfriend that was a close friend. Didn't work out so no. I also didn't find any women sexually attracted, my mind usually to men when I thought about that stuff. Even random men that I saw down the street would do something for me. College. So far I've lied to my dad about having girlfriends and I also tried to get a boyfriend but that didn't work out. That's when I started to question myself and tried to find the evidence. I hate that I have to find evidence on this. It kind of makes me feel desperate . I knew about these feelings for a while, but never accepted them. So they were a secret and I liked it being a secret. But when I exposed my secret I went through depression and had some panic attacks. I'm going to therapy and my emotions are numb, even the feelings that were kept a secret. So that's why I'm confused right now and trying to find my evidence. I'm trying to accept them now but this numbness is in the way. But I'm trying to reach out as much as I can, that is something I have never done. I could still look at guys and kind of see myself with them but my mind isn't letting me do it as freely as before. So that's why I started to look at girls and I get mixed emotions that I've never had before. My therapist told me to stop, but I can't. I just really want my mind to be intact with my emotions again. I'm a very emotional person and I used to cry for comfort, I can't do that anymore. So if anyone is willing to help me out I would truly appreciate it. Thanks.
Based on the evidence I would confidently say that you sound very gay. It's clear that you are not heterosexual if you are not sexually attracted to girls and are grossed out by kissing them. That even rules out bisexual. Stop worrying so much about labeling yourself and do what comes naturally.
Where you are in your life is a scary lonely place, I've been there. All that getting a girlfriend or boyfriend and it not working out means is that: that relationship didn't work out, nothing more. Forgetting all the "evidence" if you were to were to say "I am straight", "I am bi" or "I am gay" out loud (with no one in earshot) which one would feel honest? (&&&)
This is quite similar to what I went through. Desperately searching for evidence even though you've always known. Mind going into overdrive once you admit what has been a part of you all along. Looking at girls and feeling weird about it. Questioning when there's really no questioning to be done. I don't have all the answers yet because I'm still dealing with it a bit too, but what I can say helps is this: when you look at your evidence, it's pretty clear you're gay. Think about that, and try to see that no matter how many girls you look your orientation isn't going to change. Go with the flow of your attraction and be happy that you're actively engaging a part of yourself that has been kept bottled up for so long!
That's what I'm kinda doing right now. It's actually bad that I'm in this situation because I'm about to graduate from college and I have all this other stuff that I have to worry about. I'm trying to at least get more involved with the lgbt community, something I've never done before. It's also hard to be happy when my family basically yelled at me and said awful things to me when I at least tried to tell them my situation. ---------- Post added 30th Jan 2015 at 08:23 PM ---------- I've done a bit of that. I always had to stop myself and think if I was actually straight, saying it to other people made me feel like I was lying to them. I've always seen myself more happy with men, but growing up being gay was a sin, and it had its consequences if it was even mentioned in the household. I've known for a while and I've always tried to come out when I was younger, but I was way too scared. I'm now where near comfortable to say anything because, like I said, my emotions feel numb.
Ah, yes, that's a busy and stressful time. It's hard to have something so big on your mind as you prepare for post-college life. Getting involved with the LGBT community is a great thing to do – it's comforting to meet other people who have gone through what you're experiencing. It'll make you feel less isolated and should help with the numbness. You won't have to censor yourself around other LGBT folk, which is a surprisingly powerful thing. I'm so sorry to hear that I imagine you'll have more independence after college, right? With a bit more space from your family you can start to be yourself amongst friends and deal with coming out to your family later on when you feel more comfortable.
I can't tell you for sure what you are, but to me it sounds like you definitely attracted to males. Whether that means your gay, or bi with a male preference, is something that only you can say for certain. Until then, don't rush trying to label yourself. You're you, and you're the best you you can be.
Yeah, I'll have more independence after. I actually am doing that right now. I haven't really kept in contact with them for a while. It's sad because my numbness doesn't know how to feel about it. I have my space, which I need, but I just feel so alone throughout all of this. I just feel like I'm telling myself the same thing over and over again. It's exhausting, I'm just over it really. ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2015 at 12:40 PM ---------- Thanks for the reply. I'm really not sure what to label myself right now, which is okay. I'm really just trying to focus on who I was really attracted to before. I'm taking it one day at a time and it sucks because I hate waiting.
I understand what you mean. Obsessing over it won't get you anywhere, though, so as hard as it is, do your best to take a deep breath and step back from it. It will be what it will be, and the best way to experience the real you and be happy with that person is to be open to feeling your feelings, no matter what they are. Try not to pass judgement on what you feel. It's much easier said than done – I know that from personal experience – but it does help. Can you think about what it felt like before you "exposed your secret?" Am I right in thinking your attraction was (at least comparatively) effortless, happening of its own accord? It seems that during that time you were only attracted to men. That seems like something you can take solace in; you know you're attracted to men, so is it worth the time to think so much about it? It's good to hear that you're not rushing into labeling yourself. Trying to pigeon-hole yourself into a label can open up a whole new can of worms. And even once you do know for sure who you're attracted to you don't need to label yourself. It can be sort of liberating not to feel like you have to conform to a set of expectations imposed by a label.
Well before I exposed it, it felt like it was something that I had to hide no matter what. I had to filter out everything I thought was considered gay, that including the way I dressed, music I listened to, the way I stood, and even the way I talked. But yes, these feelings for men came effortlessly at a very young age. That being said, I did feel ashamed on both the attraction towards men and even giving a hint that I liked guys. I actually went back to therapy and my therapist said that I still have depression, because of the lack of motivation and emotion. The funny thing there's this guy who is really nice and he keeps on flirting with me, but my mind isn't really in it right now. He isn't my type, but I'm really just waiting for the right guy. I also don't think I'm ready for a relationship if I really don't understand myself.
This first part that I quoted are things I believe you should consider. Notice how I removed porn related points? What I went through that is similar to you. As a straight man, I enjoyed my first kiss with the girl. It felt natural and I liked it. I remember talking to my guy friends about it and it was something that a lot of guys would talk about when they get their first kiss, dating, etc. I've imagined dating and real sex with guys, but I do not like it. In the porn sense I might, but porn does not necessarily reflect reality. But with all things considered, I am not the one who will identify your orientation, that is for you to decide. From what I've learned, people are much happier when they be themselves, and this isn't just relating to sexual orientation. When you can be yourself among your friends and whatnot, that's when you'll be happy.
