I dont know if im gay or not

Hi guys,

so im suffering because i cant figure out if i am gay or not...
I guess it will be a long post so feel free to read it or dont.

I cant remember when it started but as i was younger i always had a feeling that im diffrent. My family and I moved many times so i wasn't really a communicative person and rather be alone than going out with friends. I never thought about the possibility of beeing gay because i never really was into sexuality and stuff like the others in my age. As i grew up i always thought i was straight but i never had a girlfriend in my life (im 18 btw). I have two brothers who had girlfriends all the time so i felt a pressure to get one because even my parents were like: do you have a gf? or: why dont you have a girlfriend? or even : you are so funny and attractive how could it be that you dont have a girlfriend? So i forced myself to get a girlfriend! I felt bad as i had my first date so i stop looking for a girlfriend because it didnt felt right at all ! this was by the age of 15 to 16 i guess! So from that point on i thought maybe im gay? this thought was so scary
at first that i pushed it away as long as i could! So i lived my life normaly and watched porn for the first time! with 16! It was a straight couple doing all sorts of sex and i didnt enjoyed it much but i cant say that i didnt like it because i wanked to it! I switched to sexy pictures instead of whatching someone doing it because that felt strange. But these pictures were drawn pictures so i dont had to watch a person doing it!
So i did this every day and after some days i realized that i cant look at me in the mirror!
everytime i was doing my hair i looked in my eyes and instantly looked away.
This feels really strange... but i dont know if it has something to do with me or that i dont accept me the way i am... lets keep that in mind and look on something else.
I mentioned my brothers erlier. one of my brothers kept saying that i m gay and used it as a insult and picked on me every day. e.g i eat a snack and he comes and says homo or gay. i dont know why he kept saying it and thought that i may seem gay to him or just appear to be gay in his eyes. One day he said it at dinner while all my family was listening.
There was silence for a moment and than my mother said to my brother that its not good to treat your brother i that way!
(important)she said: Even if he would be gay it would be fine and you have to accept it! Since then i am thinking about it all the time. no mater when, what, where! I wake up and i start thinking about being gay or questioning myself if im gay or not. I think about it in the bathroom, at breakfast, lunch, dinner, while in school, while hanging out with my family. I think about it every second! While im driving the car or playing a game
or listening to music or even speaking to someone! Even when i do simple stuff like walking. Like bringing the dishes from the dining room to the kitchen. you get what i say. I think about it the whole day! And i think about it since half a year from now.
It drives me crazy.

Im sorry for this long thread but i need any help i can get!

Moving on: I know that it seems like im gay and just denying it! But now comes the real tricky part! I think i was straight because i didnt know anything about being gay. so i grew up thinking that im straight! So i was never really checking out girls like my friends do! I dont look on girls butt or breasts because i presonaly dont want them to feel uncomfortable around me which doesent mean that i m gay just friendly in some way. So i thought: if i dont check out girls am i gay? But gays check out boys! And i never checked out guys! So i checked guys out on purpose! But does this mean that i want to be gay or what? That leaves me with the question: If im checking out guys on purpose am i -Forcing- myself to become gay? So i "tested" myself and wanked to gay porn! It felt the same way as straight porn! Maybe its because i am surrounding my self with gay people (not in reallife) on youtube for instance! I enjoy seeing a gay couple that live their lifes while being overly happy! And i enjoy it seeing them kiss and being happy and i personaly feel good and happy but then this one question bumps right into my head again! Do i make myself watching this to know more about gays or just to learn how
to handle being gay or do i watch it just for fun or to cheer me up or to know how to be gay? Im not the person which shows his feelings to other persons
which makes it even harder to judge myself! Maybe i dont know how to feel in certain situations or im just hiding them.
Right now as im writing this im trying to blink away my tears. One recent video made me feel my feelings. Its a video form The Rhodes Bros where this twins are coming out to their dad via a conversation. I was trembling the whole time and i was almost crying and had a lump in my throught. I am really confused and i know you are too. if you even read
this far... I am really not spontaneous and a diva in a way! I dont eat everything.. I always plan everything.. I am really overly tiddy..that as a side note.. maybe it helps idk.. One thing remember now is that i dont really love being touched. but i enjoyed it as a kid being together with my brothers and crossing our legs with each other so its nice and warm around us three but they kept pushing me away... (maybe thats just over interprated) Back to the topic: I will graduate the next 4 monthes and i dont consider getting a gf or bf until im graduated because i think you have to spend a lot of time with your partner and let them feel good and not like irrelevant. I guess i will move to my own little flat and beginn studying.

Im truly sorry for those who have to read this but i cant stand it holding everything back.

So i think that there is a chance that im gay but im not really sure.
oh and one big thing i missed is that i loved it to disgues myself as a girl. with the clothes of my mother (i know this is really fucked up) and a wig. So there was a phase where i thought i might be transgender but im pretty sure that it was just for the sake of experience. On that note i also begann to experience my sexuality as i grew up. I did
several things to make myself go so experienced anal penetration at first with my fingers and moving on to bigger objects like a banana. This was at the time when i watched "straight" porn pics. And this feels really weird! I love it being ****ed and wank
to it... seems pretty gay to me. But there is a possibility that this is "just" an experience phase where i try everything possible while being straight or my straight "phase" was just an expirience for finding out that im secretly gay? Or am i pretending being straight or even pretending being gay? I dont consider my self being bi sexual because that feels false for me (Please dont take it in a wrong way i mean false in a way i cant imagine it myself being bi [ i rather think i am gay than bi or straight than bi] English is not my native language so im sorry for that aswell). I dont have many friends and there are no gays that i could ask or "compare" or reffere to. And i never gone to a gay clubs due the lack of friends and i dont want my family to think that i am gay while im not or they find out and i am... Well i rather tell them that i am gay than just being busted like that..
what means busted i... i dont want them to think i am gay if i am not sure! If would be gay i dont think i have a problem telling my mom because she is really supportive! The only problem i think i might have is telling my brother... or probably my stepfather.
But thats another question. I cant come out if i dont know if i am gay right!
So i hope you can somehow get the point of all this.
I cant really tell if i am gay or not.

It feels akward and great to write everything down.

I dont know if that covers everything but i think it is good for now.
If there is anything you want to ask please do so i really appreciate every single one of your comments!

Thank you sooo much! It really does mean much to me!

 

Hey guys,
First of all thank you so much for reading and commenting!
I realized and learned very much and I will take it easy from now on.
Many things will become clear by taking my time and just be who I am!
It really help a lot to speak everything from my mind! I feel a bit confused but I guess that's normal.

Thank you guys! I really appreciate it!

 

Well sorry for a second post in a row but I forgot to ask something...
I don't know what to do with my family because lately everyone really wants to know my sexuality. They don't put pressure on me but its annoying that I know that they want to know it. But I can't answer that right now so I am pushing it aside and they think or presume except for my brother that I am straight. But I don't want to tell them that I don't know my sexuality. For now everything is possible and everything takes its time.

Maybe you have some good advice and I thank every one of you!

 

Thank you for your fast reply!

First off telling that I m asexual at this point may slow and calm everything down but could also be taken in a wrong way. I mean that I don't think I could tell them that I might be asexual and than figure it all out and then come out to them. The therapist is a good idea and I consider that as a possibility for me because a therapist is an expert who I can rely on. I think I wont tell my family anything about my sexuality orientation issue by now and figure it out by taking all the time I need.

Thank you again and I appreciate your kindness!

 

I'm sorry for asking but I can't seem to figure out which question I answered you mean maybe its just my reading comprehension!

Thank you for being nice all the time

 

My last post was a bit dumb sorry I understood it now
Haha stupid me !

@Ditz
You posted these lines:
"Either way, realise that you are you and perfect in any and every way, you don't have to identify yourself as this or that, just be yourself and follow your heart"

I cant stop reading those inspirational lines ! Thank you !

 

Thank you again for your help!
I think it helped alot talking about it and I guess I got some useful advices. I will get back to this thread if i found something out or have some questions!

I really say this too often but I thank everybody!

 

Thank you Mister Sparkles for your comment!

This was really interesting and gives a whole new perspective on sexuality.
I completely agree with you that straight, gay, bi, trans and so on are labels but these can also be guidelines I guess! These labels are made by a society that wants to categorize all peoples without exceptions. But I can't say that putting yourself in one label is bad because it can help you to figure out who you are! Sexuality is very confusing for me and for many others I guess and the fact that sexuality is fluid and can change doesn't make it easier to figure all out. It is nice to have some kind of freedom in sexuality as mister Sparkles said. But my whole life is so confusing and so is my sexual orientation and that's why I find it helpful to have some guidelines.
On that note I wanted to say that I question myself in that point that I don't think that I am straight anymore. I could be everything but questioning your sexual orientation makes it seem unrealistic to be "fully" straight. And the fact that I am questioning my sexuality the whole time I kind of think because I think about it so often that it is hard to belief that i am straight.
One thing that made me really sad is that my mother who I thought is so supportive has a pretty linear sight on sexuality. I kind of felt "weak" and unhappy the last few months because I was really confused about my sexuality and now I kind of regained some strength as I informed myself and talked about it. But now my mother noticed that I feel happier and said that she can imagine me finding a girlfriend with my current conditions. This made me quite sad because I don't think I am straight anymore and she really beliefs that I am straight...
Maybe I am just getting a bit upset and and have a unclear view on it.

Thank you guys for your continues support!

 

Hey mister sparkles,

I thank you for clearing that up! I wasn't really focused on my moms feelings! Now it makes somewhat more sense to me!

I know I say thank you too often but I cant say it in other more fitting words!

It might just be placebo but I think I gain some confidence and strength while talking about important stuff (for me).

I really appreciate every single help and comment and thank everyone!

 

Oh guys,

Yesterday I did something really unexpected and I never thought I could do that.
I was alone with my brother for about 3-4hours and we hung out and chilled. And I don't know why but my brother said something about me and gay maybe it was another insult... I don't know how he put it but anyways. I wasn't really thinking and asked him why he thinks or why he is so sure that I am gay. I was shocked about what I said and wanted to say something like nevermind but I couldn't. There was short pause. And then he said something like because you just are. You never had a girlfriend and you shave your whole body. I was stunned at first and changed the subject so he don't thinks that I have orientation issues. I know that this may sound really stupid but my brother Isn't the smartest guy on earth so I can't really rely on him.
But I don't know what I that means. I know that he doesn't know that have some issues.
What do you guys think about it?
And please I'd you have some questions about me or something else please let me know!

 

Hey there,

First off @Ditz thank you for your kind words they mean a lot to me!
It could be that my brother is convinced and use it as an insult so that would be a mixture of your suggestions 1) and 2).
I usually laugh it off so he can't feel better by calling me gay.

One thing is for sure and that makes me kind of happy:
If I would be gay or anything else I would accept it. If that is the case I can't change myself.
I am who I am and if I would be gay I would be fine with it!
So with that In mind I just "need" to find my orientation and live with it!
I would be happy to find it out soon though because I read many posts were people really suffer for ages and I don't want to.
I dont know if that's right but are there certain things I could do to find it out easier other than going to a therapist and taking my time?
Because finding your orientation makes living your life a lot less stressful I presume.

I love all your continues support!