Hello! I am back to this forum after a year or so. I realised I was indulging an obsessive behaviour before in "needing to know" what category I happen to fall under. But I'm back now and I think I may have finally found out what I am.... I hate using labels and I am against having a label become my identity, but to make things more simple I believe I am Bisexual/Pansexual. I have a very hard time liking anyone of any gender to them point of wanting to make something more happen. I can admire the attractiveness of both genders too. I have a very unfortunate sexual history. Having been raped/sexually assaulted last February and then ten years ago lost my virginity against my will too, both with men. But I have also been with men who I've loved but all my anxiety makes it harder for me to climax. I enjoy being with these men and enjoy the relationship but I rarely climax - but I enjoy being together anyway. I've kissed girls and it doesn't feel anymore special than with guys. I have tried other stuff with women but I got panic attacks and I couldn't let anything else begin. It was very scary and I even tried to overcome it multiple times but it always happens. Or I can never let it go any further/don't know what to do/don't want to encourage something I can't go through with. Yet I still feel like it's something I have to do...but I can't do it. I've loved a man before and for a while I believed I was in love with a girl in my year, but nothing happened with her yet. I feel like if I don't go through with being with a girl I will forever be plagued by "what ifs" and make my heterosexual intimacy even harder to reach climax but every time I try I feel like I cannot go through with it. Catch 22 of my life haha I get very uncomfortable with physical touch in general, I try to overcome that too. I practise meditation and I just went through a year of absolute craziness but I am finally on the other side and I am dealing with things. I do feel like I am bisexual, or fluid and I believe I fall for soul mates, or it takes that kind of connection for me to feel anything for them. Am I being to hard on myself? I'm 22 and I just wish I was as comfortable as my age-sakes, Miley Cyrus and the likes, but I'm so rigid in my sexuality.....and I feel I could be more open - it's just harder for me. Maybe I can't? I guess that is also a possibility..?
You might have a look at this whole thread, there are many hints there for relationships with both sexes: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony...s-who-slept-guys-how-do-you-get-orgasm-4.html And you might have a look at this: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-...fo-you-got-ec-helped-you-accept-yourself.html You might think about counseling... and you might call here: About LGBT Helpline Ireland : LGBT.ie And you might have a look at support groups... a lgbt center... or join a lgbt club or a gsa... I'd say try to relax... get more comfortable... maybe some exercise daily could help, to work down stress... meditation is really god... (*hug*)
