Hey, guys. Recently I've been very confused about my sexuality. The only thing I'm sure about is that I like girls. I've always though that I was bisexual, but now I feel that I used to think this, because I felt I was suppossed to like guys. I had a few relationships with guys, but I never really felt sexually or even romantically attracted to them. I saw them more as my best friends than actual boyfriends and those relationships either lasted only for a few weeks or I was unhappy with them. In my teenage years I just wanted to have a boyfriend and to be seen as normal. Then I realized that I was attracted to girls and the first time I ever felt in love was with a girl, although I never told her. But I still thought I was bisexual and had some attraction towards guys. Soon after that, I discovered that I was trans and that what I felt towards men was more of a desire to look like them than a sexual attraction. Now I think about girls about 90% of the time, I have fantasies only with girls and in the future I see myself with a woman. But I feel that I can have a romantic relationship with anyone, regardless of their gender. Could I be a panromantic heterosexual, is there even something like this? Or am I just a straight guy, confused because of his life as female?
You definitely have a lot going on for you so answers are not going to be clear-cut for you. Perhaps you are panromantic heterosexual. Any identity that can be named can exist. That's the great thing about our community, we are free to explore ourselves and interests and find ways to express our thoughts, feelings and actions. Growing up in a cis-heterosexual world can cause us to question a lot of things and make us confused. There was a gender-script that taught many of us how to act, gender-roles to define our place. Now that we don't have a gender-script or strict gender roles in the LGBT+ community we feel lost and question everything. I think this is due to the fact many of us have not been exposed to other possibilities so we experience mental chaos in situations that we are in but socially are unfamiliar to. As for questioning your thoughts on men, wanting to look like or wanting to be with men. I would first question what does it mean to look like a man versus wanting to be with a man. I think once you are able to differentiate the two things will become a little more clear to you. When I do some reflection I like to take a walk or sit in a quiet place where I am not going to be interrupted. If I compare and contrast something I may use paper, but always make sure it goes to the shredder afterwards or kept in a safe place. Good luck on your journey to self-discovery! It is a confusing world out there and I think what you are doing by reaching out is just the thing to do.
