Leached a quote from this thread: I can say to myself that a certain guy is good looking and possess great traits, like an ideal body. The ideal buff body (to me) is attractive in a sense that I would look attractive if I had that physique (if that makes any sense). I am also comparing myself to older men that can provide me with the intimacy of a dominant male figure (and not necessarily a father figure). It's not always sexual, but a bond with a man that can be my father is one of my true desires. My so called "admiration" leads to bigger, buffer men that I have a fetish towards. I'm not sure what to call it, but I know at this point that I had no feelings for guys. I'm stopping porn for good, and I'll see where that goes. 7 years of porn is bound to have some negative effect, and I guess it's only getting started. I was also sexually abused when I was younger, twice, both by older men at separate occurrences. Not necessarily father figures, but men in general who had power over me. I've mentioned countless times that if I'm truly a gay person in denial then I'll accept it and move on. However my mind does not agree with that statement because it always backfires with the answer "You've never had feelings for guys". The term bisexual does not fit with me because in a realistic and dating world, I would not date a guy, simply because I am not interested in them in that way. I've always had crushes on girls and it felt natural. I didn't feel like I was lying to myself whatsoever.
There's no question that sexual abuse can cause confusion about sexual orientation. As far as we know, based on the research, it does not influence sexual orientation in any way. And again, porn, according to pretty much every bit of data we have on it (which is a lot) has no influence on sexual orientation. I will say that if you haven't had therapy from a therapist with specialty in male sexual abuse, you really, really need it. This is an issue that absolutely will cause you all sorts of problems, from difficulties with intimacy to anxiety to difficulty maintaining relationships, to confusion over orientation, and it is very difficult to address without a really, really good therapist who really knows and understand the specialty issues of male sexual abuse. I would also suggest getting Mic Hunter's wonderful book "Abused Boys" and also Mike Lew's "Victims No More." Both are a good start to understanding and beginning to work through the issues of childhood sexual abuse.
