So stressed and confused about sexuality, it's affecting my mental health

Hey there! Haha I already wrote this but now I'm trying to rewrite it. But yeah, for the past 4-5 months, I've been going through this huge clusterfluck of confusion. It's honestly really stressful and I think about it so often, it's affecting how I work. This is probably going to be long and disorganized, so sorry about that in advance. I hope you'll stick with me to the end of it.

Basically, I started to like girls something like 1 year ago. I don't really remember the specifics, but at the start of the year, I was getting gradually more and more tomboyish to the point that my best friend had to ask me to clarify my sexuality fo her. Honestly, that got me to start thinking, not seriously, but just wonder because I'd never considered it. At the start of the new semester a few months later(I'm still in high school), I had a crush on a girl for the first time. It was insane, just a completely foreign and confused feeling. My feelings went away pretty quickly, after a couple of weeks, but it was like a turning point for me. After that, for the rest of the year, I had small crushes here and there. It was mostly just me wondering what I was, trying to analyze my little crushes to see if I was capable of a sexual and/or romantic relationship with a female, but they were there and significant to me.

This generally continues through the rest of the year. Summer was when I really got into my feelings for girls, embraced it whole heartedly. Any fading interest I had for guys was gone and I was so attracted to girls in general, it was ridiculous because of how sudden it was. I saw my best friend a lot that summer and she basically told me that she was bi-curious. Essentially, I think she was doing what I was. I had a big crush on her for a while. A few times we hung out, I noticed how date-ish it was and it really confused me because I had sudden full-fledged feelings for her. They went away eventually, but it still really confused me.

The new school year started and I went back to my little crushes. I'll go more into it later, but I should mention that I'd never dated anyone before. The last time I loved someone for their personality was back in middle school. The past 3 years have been nothing but me finding people attractive, liking them a lot but always being to shy to initiate any conversation. However, I'd never been infatuated with girls like I was with guys, or not for long periods of time. But then, there was this girl in one of my classes that I found very attractive. She was the first girl I ever liked that much. I liked her like I had liked every guy before her and it made me ridiculously euphoric. Around then, or a bit later, I started orienting myself as bisexual. I was very unsure about it, but I felt it fit me best. I was more than just curious but I didn't feel like a real bi, like I was in denial. But then I read that you don't have to like genders equally to be bi, so I stuck with it. Like I said, it was the closest to what i felt I really was. .

I was really happy because I was content with my sexuality until I noticed a few weeks ago that I becamesort of numbed or dessensitized to everyone. The girl I liked, girls and boys alike. I didn't like anyone and any attraction I felt was replaced by a sort of admiration. Instead of it being 'wow i find him/her really hot', it was ' I should find them really hot. That worried me. I felt it was tmeporary, but then I wasn't sure. Was I asexual? I have no idea. I still felt sexual attraction, but I didn't feel the "pull" that I did before to anyone. I still feel the same way and I'm bothered by it because I'm not sure about what I like anymore. My attraction for guys never returned but then I lost any and all attraction for girls as well. At the moment, it sort of fluctuated a lot but I still don't really like people.

Something about me that messes with my head a lot is that I can't tell if I'm truly bi for an overwhelming number of reasons. It's hurting me because I KNOW I want to be bisexual. I don't want to be straight. But then, now I'm unable to tell if I'm just bi-curoious and in denial or if I really, actually like girls. Its crazy, I know. Because I realize you can't change who you're attracted to, you just are, but I still want it. And I'm terrified that I'm just in a stupid phase. I don't want to think it's just my hormones being crazy, and I'm probably one of those people that gives bisexuals a bad name, but i have to consider that it's just me experimenting in my teens and I'll be straight as a board when I'm 30. That idea just makes me cringe, I hate it.

Another reason I think I like girls is I find them more conforting than guys. I've been close to my mother all my life and knew her before my father. I can say that for some part of my life, I hated him. Not only did he cause me emotional trauma, but he was visibly a shlitty husband. It made my mother so depressed I hated him deperately. He gave me a disgusting image of marriage and of males. Furthermore, my mom was always saying how terrible and disgusting men are when I was growing up in early JHS. I feel bad, but I think I've given up on males in general because of how I grew up. I know they're not all bad, of course, but I'm afraid that the way my parents acted affected me. I've barely had any male friends and I've always talked to girls. I just feel safer with them. I'd still date a guy, I suppose, but then I feel so much conflict over it, I honestly don't know what the future holds in store for me.

Also, like I said, I've never dated anyone. No one has ever shown interest in me and I'm very introverted and shy. My sexual attraction fluctuates so badly, I'm afraid of trying to date someone because I could easily lose my attraction for them. And I've never dated a boy, so I can't compare my feelings for girls with what I used to feel with the opposite gender, All I can compare is the intesnity of my crushes, or rather, infatuations. Anyway, even if I did get a date with a girl by some miracle, I'm terrified that in that moment, I'll realize I never liked girls and that I have to tell her that. I try to simulate a romantic relationship with a girl in my head and I have issues sometimes. There are points I can see myself being perfectly capable of loving a female in that way, but others I can't see it happening. I have definite sexual attraction for girls, but I don;t know if I could date someone and love them. I want to, but I don't know.

It just goes round and round my head every day. I can't ever know what I'm truly feeling or if it's real or just some figment of my imagination. I want to like girls so badly, but I'm so confused right now, I cant. I could be straight, bi-curious, bisexual, asexual, I can't tell. I can't tell what's temporary and what's not. I think about it so much sometimes I don't sleep until much later or I'm always spacing out when I should be working. It gives me an unreal amount of stress. I feel relatively calm right now compared to how distressed I am some nights. Got any ideas what I am or what I should do? I know labels are bad and limiting, but I feel so lost without knowing what I am or what's wrong with me. I mean, I was going to wing it and ask out that girl I found attractive, but I can't bring myself to.

I'm sorry about how long this probably was I think I was ranting for too long. And I feel like I forgot something, but maybe it'll come back to me. If you could please just give me advice. Thanks for taking the time to read this.