Never get attached to women, does this mean I'm straight??

I've posted before, but could really use some thoughts.

I decided a little while ago to really give it a try with women and to stop fooling around with guys. This is actually not the first time I've done so and, as usual, it was precipitated by a very anxious time dating a guy, during which my increasing attachment to him was overlayn with fear about my "other side" and the suppression of increasingly strong lesbian desires. This has happened with every guy I've dated (quite a few during my twenties); it was particularly heart-breaking with my long-term male partner during uiversity, who I was really attached to (but perhaps, not totally in love with). This feeling of conflict, of being repressed, the anxiety it provokes, and the sadness of losing my partner has made me suicidal on a number of occassions; I am loathe to return to that state.

I always feel very happy and calm after I decide, ok that's it with guys. I feel comfortable in my skin in a way that really affirms my decision. But then here is where the problem is. All my relationships with women (again, quite a few) are a bit blah...I feel suffocated. I don't get attached AT ALL - as in, I could never see them after they leave me and there would not be too much sadness. I enjoy the physical part at first, immensely, and to a degree that is probably greater than I do with men, but afterwards I feel quite disconnected. In most cases, I lose interest in sex quickly. And there is never a desire to express the kind of romantic affection that comes so naturally to me when I'm with men. There is, in short, no "in love" feeling at all. And quickly, the relationship feels like a massive chore.

I can attach to my female friends, who I love very much, but in their cases, when I think of sex it usually feels a bit wrong because we are so close. I have had a few crushes on girls, but only girls who are totally unavailable.

So what gives? Has anyone else had similar experiences? I guess, what I need to answer is, is this some kind of internalised homophobia..or is this something I am going to have to live with? And if so, how the hell should I organise my life? I want a family one day (badly) and I don't care if its with a man or a woman, but this is really getting in the way of that dream! I feel like this: :bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang:

 

Hi guys,

Firstly, I want to say thanks for responding - it is really nice to see that other people actually care and that there is something of a community. So I really appreciate it.

I don't know about homoromantic bisexual, but I'm interested to ask why you say homoromantic, even though my romantic feelings only come to the fore with the opposite sex? doesn't this mean heteroromantic? Or are you saying that because I freak out with dudes after a while so clearly, something isn't right?

Re: lithromantic. I have never heard of this term. I mean, I do have romantic feelings - walking on clouds, finding people really "amazing", dreaming of them, all the cheesy stuff like listening to a song and thinking about them - about men predominately. And I do like them reciprocating (which is what I think lithromantic is about) - I'm on cloud nine for approximately a week - and then I think, well shit, I'm a lesbian, I fancy girls (at least, ina sexual way) a lot and can't repress it, I broke up with my male exes for this reason, this is unsustainable and then...boom. panic stations.

I feel like I am the only person with this orientation :-/

I guess, I wonder if there was anyone who had these feelings at earlier stages of coming out and how they got over them. I am 28, realised I liked girls (as well as, or more than guys) around 9 years ago, so it feels like I have done enough experimenting, I think I need to make more fundamental change in how I relate to women. I want to feel romantic about woman, because I know how repressed I feel about things when I am with a man, how I fancy women so much, but ultimately, it does feel a lot like I'm swimming upstream when I try and relate to women romantically... :-/

Any advice is welcome - as I said, I am so grateful, also for the hug emoticon, which is really sweet!

 

Thanks MyLittleWorld. I think I do have some deep thinking to do. I always think, is this about sexuality or is it fear of love? and I dont have any answers yet. I guess, I will have to keep trying, keep meeting people and then see how things go. I just hate hurting people and hate being so hurt myself...